The Science of Gaydar Pt 1

Interesting article in the New York Magazine, called The Science of Gaydar.

It's quite long, so I'll post it here in two parts. But it's really interesting and you can go read it on your own if you can't wait. Based on my own research and then coming to my own conclusions, the latest findings seem to agree to what I believe. We're all born gay (nature) and it all started in our mothers' womb.

I'm not denying the effects of the environment (nurture) but my guess is, it probably has less than 20% effect on our orientation.

Gays who had been sexually abused by men when they were younger would probably disagree. But really, I doubt that they would turn out straight, even if they were not molested. It probably seem like childhood sexual molestation caused gayness because gay men are more likely and ready to admit so, as how many straight men would admit the same thing?

Oh, apparently one of the findings is that gay men tend to have thicker and longer penises than straight men ;P

The Science of Gaydar
If sexual orientation is biological, are the traits that make people seem gay innate, too? The new research on everything from voice pitch to hair whorl.
By David France

EXAMPLE A: Hair Whorl (Men)

Gay men are more likely than straight men to have a counterclockwise whorl. Photographs by Mark Mahaney
(Derek : I'm not sure about mine; someone need to check for me.)

As a presence in the world—a body hanging from a subway strap or pressed into an elevator, a figure crossing the street—I am neither markedly masculine nor notably effeminate. Nor am I typically perceived as androgynous, not in my uniform of Diesels and boots, not even when I was younger and favored dangling earrings and bright Jack Purcells. But most people immediately read me (correctly) as gay. It takes only a glance to make my truth obvious. I know this from strangers who find gay people offensive enough to elicit a remark—catcalls from cab windows, to use a recent example—as well as from countless casual social engagements in which people easily assume my orientation, no sensitive gaydar necessary. I’m not so much out-of-the-closet as “self-evident,” to use Quentin Crisp’s phrase, although being of a younger generation, I can’t subscribe to his belief that it is a kind of disfigurement requiring lavender hair rinse.

I once placed a personal ad in which I described myself as “gay-acting/gay-appearing,” partly as a jab at my peers who prefer to be thought of as “str8” but mostly because it’s just who I am. Maybe a better way to phrase it would have been “third-sexer,” the category advanced by the gay German sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld 100 years ago. The label fell into disrepute, but lately a number of well-known researchers in the field of sexual orientation have been reviving it based on an extensive new body of research showing that most of us, whether top or bottom, butch or femme, or somewhere in between, share a kind of physical otherness that locates us in our own quadrant of the gender matrix, more like one another than not. Whatever that otherness is seems to come from somewhere deep within us. It mostly defies our efforts to disguise it. That’s what we mean by gaydar—not the skill of the viewer so much as the telltale signs most gay people project, the set of traits that make us unmistakably one.

The late psychologist and sexologist John Money famously called these the details of our “gendermaps,” which he believed are drawn primarily by life’s experience and social conditioning. Money planted some of the earliest flags in the nature-versus-nurture war by claiming that dysfunctional parents, not inborn biology, is what produced “sissy boys,” tomboys, and other gender variants. But today, the pendulum has swung just about as far in the other direction as possible. A small constellation of researchers is specifically analyzing the traits and characteristics that, though more pronounced in some than in others, not only make us gay but also make us appear gay.

At first read, their findings seem like a string of unlinked, esoteric observations. Statistically, for instance, gay men and lesbians have about a 50 percent greater chance of being left-handed or ambidextrous than straight men or women. The relative lengths of our fingers offer another hint: The index fingers of most straight men are shorter than their ring fingers, while for most women they are closer in length, or even reversed in ratio. But some researchers have noted that gay men are likely to have finger-length ratios more in line with those of straight women, and a study of self-described “butch” lesbians showed significantly masculinized ratios.

The same goes for the way we hear, the way we process spatial reasoning, and even the ring of our voices. One study, involving tape-recordings of gay and straight men, found that 75 percent of gay men sounded gay to a general audience. It’s unclear what the listeners responded to, whether there is a recognized gay “accent” or vocal quality. And there is no hint as to whether this idiosyncrasy is owed to biology or cultural influences—only that it’s unmistakable. What is there in Rufus Wainwright’s “uninhibited, yearning, ugly-duckling voice,” as the Los Angeles Times wrote a few weeks ago, that we recognize as uniquely gay? Does biology account for Rosie O’Donnell’s crisp trumpet and Charles Nelson Reilly’s gnyuck-gnyuck-gnyuck?

“These are all part and parcel of the idea that being gay is different—that we are different animals to some extent,” says Simon LeVay, the British-born neuroscientist who has dedicated himself to studying these issues. “Hirschfeld was right. I support the idea that we’re a third sex—or a third sex and a fourth sex, gay men and lesbians. Today, there’s scientific documentation behind this.”

EXAMPLE B: Thumbprint Density (Male)

Gay men and straight women have an increased density of fingerprint ridges on the thumb and pinkie of the left hand.
(Derek: I'm not sure either, but I remember mine looks more like the on one the left)

Richard Lippa, a psychologist from California State University at Fullerton, is one of the leading cataloguers of the many ways in which gay people are different. I caught up with him a few weeks ago at a booth at the Long Beach Pride Festival in Southern California, where he was researching another hypothesis—that the hair-whorl patterns on gay heads are more likely to go counterclockwise. If true, it will be one more clue to our biological uniqueness.

As he recruited experiment subjects, Lippa scanned the passing scalps, some shaved clean, some piled in colorful tresses. “It’s like a kind of art. You look at the back of people’s heads, and it’s literally like a vector field,” he says. “We assume that whatever causes people to be right-handed or left-handed is also causing hair whorl. The theory we’re testing is that there’s a common gene responsible for both.” And that gene might be a marker for sexual orientation. So, as part of his study, he has swabbed the inside cheek of his subjects. It will be months before that DNA testing is complete.

I was surprised at how many people quickly agreed to lend five minutes of their pride celebration to science. “If I could tell my mother it’s a gene, she would be so happy,” said one, Scott Quesada, 42, who sat in a chair for Lippa’s inspection.

“Classic counterclockwise whorl,” the researcher pronounced, snapping a photo.

Quesada, who is right-handed and seemed to have a typically masculinized finger-length ratio, was impressed. “I didn’t know I had a whorl at all,” he said.

By the end of the two-day festival, Lippa had gathered survey data from more than 50 short-haired men and photographed their pates (women were excluded because their hairstyles, even at the pride festival, were too long for simple determination; crewcuts are the ideal Rorschach, he explains). About 23 percent had counterclockwise hair whorls. In the general population, that figure is 8 percent.

A string of other studies, most of them conducted quietly and with small budgets, has offered up a number of other biological indicators. According to this research, for instance, gay men, like straight women, have an increased density of fingerprint ridges on the thumb and the pinkie of the left hand; and overall their arms, legs, and hands are smaller relative to stature (among whites but not blacks). There are technical differences in the way most men and most women hear, except among lesbians, whose ears function more like men’s. And there are gender-based cognitive differences in which gay men appear more like women. One involves mentally rotating a 3-D object, something males tend to do better than females—except gay men score more like straight women and lesbians function more like straight men. In navigational tasks and verbal-fluency tests, gay men and lesbians tend to have sex-atypical scores.

From these findings, it might be tempting to conclude that lesbians are universally masculinized and gay men are somehow feminized—the classic “inversion model” of homosexuality advanced by Freud. But the picture is more complicated than that. There is also evidence—some more silly-sounding than serious—that homosexuals may be simultaneously more feminine and more masculine, respectively. The stereotypes—that lesbians tend to commit to relationships early and have little interest in casual sex; that gay men have more sexual partners than their counterparts—turn out to be true.

One study that supports the hyper-masculinity theory of male homosexuality involves penis size. An Ontario-based psychological researcher named Anthony Bogaert re-sorted Kinsey Institute data—in which 5,000 men answered detailed questions about their sex lives, practices, fantasies, and, it turns out, measurements of their erect organs—along sexual-orientation lines. Gay men’s penises were thicker (4.95 inches versus 4.80) and longer (6.32 inches versus 5.99). The measurements, it should be noted, were self-reported and perhaps involve reporting bias, but no one has done a study investigating whether gay men are more prone to exaggerating their assets, so, well, draw your own conclusions.

But if true, these findings negate the inversion model, Bogaert says. Instead of picturing gender and orientation along a line, with straight men and women on either end and gay people in the middle, he suggests, a matrix might be a more accurate way to map the possibilities.

Some of this work has been derided as modern-day phrenology, and obviously possessing one trait or another—a counterclockwise hair whorl here, an elongated ring finger there—doesn’t necessarily make a person gay or straight. But researchers point out that these are statistical averages from the community as a whole. And the cumulative findings support the belief now widely held in the scientific community that sexual orientation—perhaps along with the characteristics we typically associate with gayness—is biological. “We’re reaching a consensus on a broad question,” says J. Michael Bailey, a psychologist at Northwestern University. Is sexual orientation “something we’re born with or something we largely acquire through social experience? The answer is clear. It’s something we’re born with.”

Because many of these newly identified “gay” traits and characteristics are known to be influenced in utero, researchers think they may be narrowing in on when gayness is set—and identifying its possible triggers. They believe that homosexuality may be the result of some interaction between a pregnant mother and her fetus. Several hypothetical mechanisms have been identified, most pointing to an alteration in the flow of male hormones in the formation of boys and female hormones in the gestation of girls. What causes this? Nobody has any direct evidence one way or another, but a list of suspects includes germs, genes, maternal stress, and even allergy—maybe the mother mounts some immunological response to the fetal hormones.

EXAMPLE C: Digit Proportions (Female)
The index fingers of most straight men are shorter than their ring fingers, and for most women they are the same length or longer. Gay men and lesbians tend to have reversed ratios.
(Derek: This one I'm sure, coz I can measure. Mine is same length.)

Immunological response is the ascendant theory, in fact. We know from a string of surveys that in any family, the second-born son is 33 percent more likely than the first to be gay, and the third is 33 percent more likely than the second, and so on, as though there is some sort of “maternal memory,” similar to the way antibodies are memories of an infection. Perhaps she mounts a more effective immunological response to fetal hormones with each new male fetus.

To determine whether the fraternal birth order might also suggest that baby brothers are treated differently in a way that impacts their sexual expression, researchers have studied boys who weren’t raised in their biological families, or who may have been firstborn but grew up as the youngest in Brady Bunch–type homes. In every permutation, the results were the same: What mattered was only how many boys had occupied your mother’s uterus before you.

Some of this research may prove to be significant; some will ultimately get chalked up to coincidence. But the thrust of these developing findings puts activists in a bind and brings gay rights to a major crossroads, perhaps its most significant since the American Psychiatric Association voted to declassify homosexuality as a disease in 1973. If sexual orientation is biological, and we are learning to identify how it happens inside the uterus, doesn’t it suggest a future in which gay people can be prevented? This spring, R. Albert Mohler Jr., the president of a Southern Baptist theological seminary in Kentucky and one of the country’s leading Evangelical voices, advocated just that. “We want to understand why some persons will struggle with that particular sin,” he explained. “If there is a way we can help with the struggle, we should certainly be open to it, the same way we would help alcoholics deal with their temptation.”

That in part is why gay people have not hungered for this breakthrough. Late last year, Martina Navratilova joined activists from PETA to speak out against an experiment that sought to intentionally turn sheep gay (it failed, but another experiment successfully turned ferrets into homosexuals, and the sexual orientations of fruit flies have been switched in laboratories). Some 20,000 angry e-mails clogged the researchers’ inboxes, comparing the work to Nazi eugenics and arguing that it held no promise of any kind to gay people. “There are positives, but many negatives” to this kind of research, says Matt Foreman, executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. “I will bet my life that if a quote-unquote cure was found, that the religious right would have no problem with genetic or other kind of prenatal manipulations. People who don’t think that’s a clear and present danger are simply not living in reality.”

A study found that 75 percent of gay men sounded gay to a general audience. Were they responding to a recognized gay “accent”?

At the dawn of gay politics a half-century ago, the government treated gay people as a menace to national security, and much of the public, kept from any ordinary depictions of gay life, lived in terror of encountering one of us. It was routine, and reliably successful, for defendants in murder cases to prevail by alleging they were fending off a gay assault. (If confronted by the pathology of homosexuality, jurors believed, force was not only appropriate but utterly forgivable.) Back then, many psychiatrists treated homosexuality with shock therapy, detention, or a mind-twisting intervention called “aversion therapy”—a practice that was still in vogue in the late seventies, when a lumpy-faced psychiatrist put me through a regimen of staring at Playboy centerfolds.

The groundwork for change began when Evelyn Hooker, a UCLA psychologist, was approached by a gay former student in the fifties. He had noticed that all research on homosexuals looked at men and women who were imprisoned or institutionalized, thereby advancing the belief that homosexuals were abnormal. He proposed that she study men like him as a counterpoint. Over the next two decades, she did just that, proving that none of the known psychological screens could detect a healthy gay person—that there was no clinical pathology to sexual orientation. Of necessity, research at the time was focused on demonstrating how unremarkable gay men and lesbians are: indistinguishable on all personality inventories, equally good at all jobs, benign as parents, unthreatening as neighbors, and so on. On the strength of Hooker’s findings, and a Gandhian effort by activists, the APA changed its view on homosexuals 34 years ago.

Thereafter, the field of sexual-orientation research fell dormant until 1991, when Simon LeVay conducted the very first study of homosexual biological uniqueness. He had been a researcher at the Salk Institute in La Jolla, California, when his lover fell ill with AIDS. He took a year off to care for him, but his partner ultimately died. Returning to work, LeVay decided he wanted to concentrate on gay themes. “Just like a lot of gay people who’d been directly affected by the epidemic, I felt a desire to do something more relevant to my identity as a gay man,” says LeVay. “Some people have said I was out to try and prove that it wasn’t my fault that I was gay. I reject that. In my case, since neuroscience was my work, that just seemed like the way to go.”

Electric Dreams

I had a very interesting dream last night because I seldom have or remember them.

For the first time, Nyk was in it.

We were all at this rich colleague's house. I have been to her actual house before, which is a double story house in a gated community. In my dream, the house grew another two floors below. Basically, it was a huge house, with nice furnishings and many butlers and maids.

The group of use were staying over a few nights to go for outings somewhere. This part is a bit vague.

What I do remember is that I was sharing a room with an attaching bathroom, with a couple. A gay one at that. I was coming out from the shower and they were in the room. They went into the shower together and when they emerged, asked me whether I could leave the room or not.

And so I left.

In the dream, I was dating this high school friend of mine, who is completely straight. Well, I did harbour a crush on him back then, but it was only a little. There were another person whom I liked more at the time.

Anyway, I was dating him, Lanky Larry. For a straight person, he was treating m very well (Nyk said: Duh! He's dating you.) He still had this very heterosexual character and personality about him.

I got the feeling that, he's as straight as they come, except for the fact that he's dating me. He was like trying to win me over, but I wasn't warming up to him.

Surprisingly, Lanky Larry wasn't staying together with us at the posh house.

And where does Nyk come into play?

Nyk was staying in another room. He was still treating me very nice, still cared for me (which would imply that we used to be together).

I distinctly remember that I still longed for him, still wanted to be together with him. I felt happy when I was with him, but I didn't know how to tell him that.

Finally, I decided to bring him into the basement to have a personal chat with him. I remembered the part when I asked him to go with me and as we descended the metallic staircase into the basement we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves and we ravished each other there and then ..... the dream ended.

Yeah, my dreams are usually squeaky clean ;P

Infamous

Since I came back from China, I have watched four movies within the period of a week. Which comes up to one movie every other day.

First, there was Infamous, starring Tobey Jones as Truman Capote and Sandra Bullock as Lee Harper. It was an excellent film and as expected, it would be compared with Capote, the Oscar-nominated film last year.

I did not watch Capote, but from reviews online, Infamous is better. The latter is funnier and more light-hearted, and the gayness and flamboyance of Capote was more obvious.

Capote was always made fun of in the movie and mistaken as a women, which he took in his stride with witty comebacks.

Capote: May I speak to Mr Dewey please?
Secretary: I'm sorry, but Mr Dewey doesn't speak to strange women.
Capote: Who are you calling strange?

When Capote was visiting Perry Smith in prison, one of the prisoners shouted from his cell, "Come suck my cock." Capote replied, "Well I would love to, if you can get your thing through the bars."

If you are familiar with Capote, who wrote the famous book In Cold Blood, which was described as fictionalised non-fiction, he bonded and developed feelings for one of the murderers on death row, Perry Smith (played by Daniel Craig, the latest James Bond).

Capote and Smith actually shared an on-screen kiss, and it elicited an audible "Ughh!" from someone in the audience.

I was thinking, "That definitely has to be a straight guy."

Like, you don't see me going "Ughh!" when I see a straight couple kissing.

Anyway, it was a very good film and showed the gay side of Capote which was not explicitly shown in the earlier Capote movie. The director, Douglas McGrath says that his interpretation results from trying to understand why Capote's writing career faded after In Cold Blood. A principal source of material for the movie, contained an account in which someone pointed out that Capote bribed prison guards to stay away so that he and Smith could have sex.

I doubt this movie would be shown in Malaysia.

In short, it was fun, flamboyant and fabulous. Four stars out of five.

IMDB rating: 7.4 / 10
Rotten Tomatoes: 7 / 10

Snippets

Someone has been bugging me to update my blog, which admittedly has not been very up-to-date.

Let's see. To recap, from last month, some interesting things which happened.

On the first weekend of the Great Singapore Sale, I spent close to $500. That is like the single most expensive shopping day I have ever had! I know it may not be much to all those shopaholics out there, but it's like the highest ever, even in absolute amount and without conversion to Ringgit.

I bought a pair of shoes which cost $380, a shirt from Topman and a little something for Nyk from Bods Bodynits (I know, the gay brand).

What else happened?

Oh yeah, I thought that this would be the last time that I would be asked for my age. But evidently, it was not.

On my flight to Shanghai on Singapore Airlines, the stewardess asked my colleague and I whether we wanted wine. I said yes, white wine please and my colleague wanted red wine.

The flight attendant looked at me and asked, "Sir, may I know how old are you?"

I was like, too shocked to reply.

My colleague said, "Trust me, he's old enough." And I managed to answer "I am twenty one six."

She gave me a glass of wine and then said, "Sorry. Take that as a compliment then."

Erm, OK.

I wasn't actually ecstatic, but neither was I happy. I did try to look on the bright side and yeah, probably she couldn't see very well that means I still look young.

I haven't mentioned about the men in Shanghai, have I? Well, there weren't many cute ones which caught my eye. Out of the six days I was there, less than 10 I met on the streets which I consider cute.

Probably it's just me and my preference. For others, the whole street of Chinese men with rosy cheeks might be just up their alley.

I did see a young guy who was shirtless while I was sightseeing. His body was wonderful, tight abs and defined pecs.

My first thought was, "Wow, this is my first look of an actual Chinese meat guy's body."

My second thought was, "Damn, where's my camera?"

As I was about to take a shot, he had walked past me and was quite a distance away. I couldn't possibly turn back and take a picture without coming out with a good excuse to my colleague. I don't think "Oh, I missed a piece of scenery back there. Give me a minute OK?" would work.

Just last Friday, I hinted heavily of my sexual orientation to my colleagues. Somehow, we were talking about manicures and pedicures amongst ourselves, three guys and a girl. One of the guys said that he wouldn't do a manicure, but he would consider a pedicure.

Let me state for a fact that the two of them are straight. As an arrow.

Hearing that, I was a little surprised. I mean, why be receptive to one and not the other?

I think he said something like, "Oh, pedicures they really remove those dead skin cells and it's good la. Can do once every few months."

I was like, "Why pay other people to do that? I scrub my feet every other day and I use moisturizer on them."

Hope that wasn't too much information, guys.

Anyway, my colleague replied, "Really? You are the only guy I know who does that. I mean, no one I know would do that. Really metrosexual. Why would you do that? Who looks at your feet?"

*rolls eyes*

"I like to have smooth feet can or not? I have a foot fetish."

Actually, I don't.

"Can, as long as you declare it."

Whatever.

Yeah, I have weird colleagues.

Filler post

Haven't been blogging this month and still haven't got the mood to blog yet.

This will be a short one. Was in China for a week, from 31st May till 6th June. Mostly I was in Hangzhou, a city described as
"Above is heaven, below is Hangzhou" goes a famous Chinese saying that pretty well describes the glamorous city of Hangzhou! With its amazing scenery and fascinating cultural attractions, Hangzhou is indeed heaven on earth!"

Actually, the saying includes Suzhou too. Suzhou has more man-made beauty while Hangzhou has more natural sceneries.

Hangzhou really is a city in a garden. The top tourist spot in China, which naturally made the whole city a giant tourist trap.

Will blog about my trip the next time.

Anyway, I shall leave you guys with a cute model ;P



Imagine you're a huge huge fan of Enrique Iglesias. And imagine him serenading his hit song "Hero" to you, like this:

Enrique Iglesias Thrills Gay Fan
Uploaded by funscenes3

Isn't that like, the coolest thing ever?

TGIQ II

Another thing which Rev White shared was how even though he struggled with his for those 30 years when he was married to his wife, he is still a Christian. Even though almost everyone in the church told him that homosexuality is wrong, he was also constantly reminded in his childhood that Jeses loves him. The power of love ultimately triumphs and made him realise that Jesus does love him, for who he is and just the way he is.

He knows that many gay Christians are still Christians because whatever bad experiences they have had with the religion, those experience have only made them stronger and better. It has given them the strength to be themselves and to help others who are struggling. Which was how the church he started grew from less than 100 to more than 10,000.

As he said, gays and lesbians have big spirits and bigger hearts.

In the audience that day, there was a good friend of his (erm, can't remember his name). Let's call him Jeff. Jeff had a similar experience of struggling with his sexuality and he too attempted suicide.

Currently, Jeff is dating a Cambodian, Kim. Jeff came from a strict Christian family and when his father died, he was disinherited from the will. He got nothing. Jeff said, "Well yeah, I lost a couple of million dollars, but what's a couple of million?" He smiled contentedly to Kim.

Yes, being true to yourself and standing up for your own happiness can be costly, in the tune of million dollars.

On the other hand, Kim's family has become Jeff's family. Coming from a Buddhist background which is more tolerant and understanding towards homosexuality, they accepted Jeff and Kim being together. They have been together for three and a half years.

There are military officials who are open-minded about this kind of things. This is not surprising especially those who have fought together with their comrades, straight or gay.

As Rev White said, without gays, there would be no army. If the church is really intent on kicking out priests and bishops who are gays, there won't be many of them left to serve the church ;P

Hell, a lot of things won't exist without us!

"Whenever I am invited to give a talk on homosexuality to university students, the first thing I ask is "Who masturbates?" No one raises their hand. Well, I would say, if none of you ever masturbated, you expect you guys can listen to and accept the topic of homosexuality?"

Sex is not a taboo thing. Only the Catholic church made it so. Abstinence. No contraception. Result: HIV prevalence and the Philippines, respectively.

There are lines in the Bible which encourage people to have sex when they have reach the proper ages.

So did Jesus masturbate? Was Jesus gay?

After all, he was surrounded by men most of the time.

TGIQ

Thank God I am Queer - A Gay Christian's Journey

When : 24 May 2007, Thursday, 7.30pm
Where : Free Community Church

The Rev. Dr. Mel White is a former ghostwriter for fellow evangelicals, including Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker, and Jerry Falwell. Inspired by the nonviolence movements of Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., White developed a program based on their principles to address the suffering of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. In 1997, he was awarded the ACLU’s National Civil Liberties Award for his efforts to apply the “soul force” principles of Gandhi and King to the struggle for justice for sexual minorities. He is the author of over 16 books, including Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America, published in 1994, and Religion Gone Bad: The Hidden Dangers of the Christian Right, published in 2006.

Not only is he a celebrated writer, he's also a powerful advocate for being Christian and gay. And he speaks from a position of authority, having been the Dean of the Cathedral of Hope MCC in Dallas (the largest gay-lesbian church in the US) and Minister of Justice of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches. At the personal level, Mel White struggled with his sexuality for more than 30 years, before he finally accepted his sexual orientation as "a gift from God.

The above was what attracted me to attend his sharing earlier today.

Rev Dr Mel White started off with how he lived with his wife for 30 years and one day tried to kill himself. Even though his wife is a wonderful woman, there was always this tension behind it. They had two kids; one who is Mike White who is now a millionaire (Hmmm, all those years of suffering. But thank God I now have a millionaire son!).

After the suicide attempt, the wife said to him, "Mel, I think you're gay. I want you to be happy, and I want me to be happy. You're not coming to terms with it and I am doing it for you."

The wife gave him a coin, one side which shows the Statue of Liberty (liberation to be who you are) and the other which has a pair of eagles with two eaglets. Even though he is gay, they're still a family (the four eagles) and they still love him.

He also shared his experience of how he tried to exorcise the demons within him, the demon of homosexuality. He went to the most famous church of exorcism and they can't help him. He went to see a psychiatrist and begged to be to be electrocuted, even though it was not recommended.

Every time he turned a card and there was a picture of a hot man behind it, he would be shocked with electricity. If it was a woman, there would be a mild shock. In the end, he had a crush on the cute guy who administered the shocks! ;P

Basically, homosexuality is not something that can be erased, eradicated or exorcised. It is a desire and a longing to be with another man, to come home and be greeted by a man, to wake up beside a man everyday, to hold another man's hands and walk on the beach. Homosexuality is an orientation and it's not just all about sex.

And the Biblical authors surely did not understand the concept of sexual orientation in that era, as even many do not today.

He has so much energy and passion, even though he is 67 years old. His message is of love and acceptance of oneself. God created each and everyone of us. All of are loved by Him and has a purpose and no one should tell you otherwise. God loves all of His creations.

A lot of things he said is very logical. It doesn't make sense for the Being that created you to hate you.

And the Bible has been misused many times to support all sorts of atrocities - the Inquisition, Crusades, child labour, slavery, keeping woman inferior and "in their place", etc.

He said he loves the bumper stinker which says "Jesus is coming back and he is pissed", as the church has been fuelling bigotry and killing young gays and lesbians silently. Jesus came to spread love to everybody; he embraced and included especially the marginalised and outcasts; he served the people. The church is now doing the exact opposite.

Rev White said he knows of a famous dance photographer who donated $10,000 to his church and then killed himself because "he has been rejected by his family, friends and church".

Another 16 year old killed himself in front of the mortuary and lied on a piece of plastic so as not to give much hassle to those who would take the body away. He was valedictorian for his year.

All in all, Rev White personally knew of 23 persons who took their own lives in the last 12 years.

In addition, Rev White believes in "freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance", as written from the Soulforce website. This was inspired by people like Martin King Jr and Gandhi.

Something that he did was to attend Jerry Falwell's church and everytime they say something bad about homosexuality, they will stand up in church and protest. He said to Jerry, "We will win your hearts and minds, but unfortunately he died."

As can be read from the article in Wikipedia, Rev Dr Mel White has been together with his partner Gary Nixon for 23 years.

After his sharing, he was asked a few questions. One of them was about sexual ethics.

Rev White shared with the floor about the time he was caught cheating. Gary asked him "Did you have sex with him?" and he said no. Gary then called him you lying sack of shit.

Later when they talked about it, Gary said that it was not the cheating part that hurt, but it was the lying. It starts with one lie and who knows where it would end? That thought was scarier and more hurtful than the infidelity. The foundation of trust and honest communication has been broken and a meaningful relationship cannot be built based on that.

The point being that there is no fixed sexual ethics. Monogamy, polygamy, menage-a-trois, open relationship - all these have to be based on honesty, trust, integrity and love.

Jesus mentioned something about using people as sex objects. Buddhism mentions something similar about sexual misconduct, defined as that which brings harm to oneself, to others or to both oneself and others.

If one were to "bounce, bounce, bounce and bounce from one bed to another, it could become an addiction or sickness". One night of sex based on a meaningful relationship and love is worth more than a hundred random sexual encounters.

It has been a really enjoyable evening for me. The message that being gay as a gift from God was mentioned many many times. That God created you and loves you just the way you are. The sooner one accepts that the better.

There was so much positivity in his sharing. It is seldom that I come across this, as the usual case would be more of criticism and condemnation of gays, gay lifestyle, sinful and hedonistic endeavours in the media and political speeches.

I am not a fan of religion, especially Christianity. All the violence, discrimination and killings justified by religion really gets to me. I know the religion itself is all about love, but I find it difficult to separate that from the Church.

Jesus himself was a great person, with lots of wisdom, compassion and love. If I were to look at those positives and ignore all those destroying of whole villages, killings of the young and innocent, raping of woman, I suppose it isn't such a bad religion after all ;P

P/S His long term relationship of more than 20 years does show that it is possible for gay relationships to work and it's not all doom and gloom. I really want something like that with Nyk ;P

The HIV scourge

The issue of homosexuality is in the media again, thanks to Lee Kuan Yew's statement a last month where he said, "If in fact it is true, and I have asked doctors this, that you are genetically born a homosexual because that's the nature of the genetic random transmission of genes, you can't help it. So why should we criminalise it?"

Actually, the issue has been in the limelight since the review of the Singapore Penal Code, where the law now allows heterosexuals to have anal and oral sex, but that it is still a crime for two males to do so.

It is not a crime to be gay, but it is a crime if one indulges in anal sex.

It doesn't make sense, I know, but this is Singapore. Even though it has been said many times that the law is in not going to be actively enforced (which begs the question why is it retained?), it is there to appease the conservatives and the religious right.

But what makes it dangerous and in fact costing lives, just to appease these people are the obstacles involve in HIV and AIDS prevention for MSM (men who have sex with men).

At the AIDS Memorial on Sunday, the 34th edition of The Act, a publication by AfA (Action for AIDS) was given to all attendants. You can download it here.

There was a section on consequences of Sections 377 and 377A of the Penal Code on HIV prevention. The below is an extract, which I am deeply concerned about:

4 Inability to address the needs of young MSM
It has been very difficult to reach out to young MSM who are contemplating or already having sex. Young MSM are especially at risk of STI including HIV infection because they are less able to access sources of information and advice about safer sexual
practices for the following reasons –

a) School-based programs do not have information and materials that discuss homosexuality in an impartial and unbiased manner, including emotions, identity, sexual practices, safer sex techniques and negotiation skills

b) Young MSM may fear seeking professional advice (e.g. from doctors, teachers, youth workers) because to do so would be to admit having committed a crime;

c) Support groups and youth organizations for young MSM are practically non-existent; if they do exist they tend to keep a low profile to avoid drawing attention to themselves. Many young MSM will not know of sources of support and peer education;

d) MSM venues and clubs operate under clear age-restricted rules to comply with licensing laws. Young MSM are thus not exposed to AIDS education messages and campaigns; young MSM are also less likely to be able to afford the cover charges levied at these clubs and venues. They are also less exposed to the social climate within the organized gay community, which strongly supports "safer sex";

e) Young MSM may feel isolated and marginalized and regarded as not part of the broader society due to the criminalisation of their sexuality.

An application for funding of a program that included a component catering to young MSM was rejected because the government agency either did not think it was important or deemed that it was too sensitive a topic to address.

5 Censorship of MSM educational materials and events
Action for AIDS has on several occasions been asked to stop distributing materials containing information on homosexuality even though these materials were meant specifically for MSM venues and events. The reasons repeatedly given by the authorities was that because homosexual sex is illegal, it cannot be mentioned; therefore providing information on safe sex relevant to MSM is also illegal.

Because of the law, some young people are HIV positive because the relevant information and sexual education doesn't reach them. When something is thought of as bad, crime or sin, how does one expect it to be discussed and brought into the open?

It is a fact that young people, especially high school students are having sex with strangers from MIRC and personals websites. And this reality is borne by the testimonies of young MSMs in the publication.

Extracts (prints in bold are my own):
"It is hard to place a timeline on when I discover or realize I was a gay. Given that I had an interest in guys when I was 12 or 13 years old. My first sexual encounter started when I was like 15 years or so, when I got to know the MIRC, Internet chat rooms where I find out there is a gay channel and sgboy channel inside. Through there, I met my first sexual encounter and I had my first anal sex without protection...

From then on, I met guys out for fun and sex until I had a 6 – 7 months of so-called relationship with this guy purely based on sex, which has a term of buddy sex. During the ending period of this relationship, I fell sick a lot of times while he has some nose issue with himself and the doctor but we still continued having sex sometimes. Although we met up regularly, we still do meet other guys up for fun. But in this buddy sex thing, there was not any protection used and most of the time he would ejaculate inside me. But when I had fun outside, the guys would use condoms.

It was when I was 17 years plus, I had a month of prolonged illness of flu, cough and sore throat. I remember it was in near December, Christmas seasons. I started getting sick, and after each recovery I would get sick again. Every visit to the neighborhood
clinic made me spend more and more as each time the doctor would prescribe a stronger antibiotic for me. The last visit during that period cost about $90/-...

I do believe that, no matter what, I cannot let my parents find out about this. Each passing day, I would just live my life just as normally I have been doing, but sometimes thoughts that I am going to need medication brings confusion into my head. I did not really have a way of dealing with having HIV. But having thoughts about it running through my head here and there is kind of stressful. My family isn't really financially well off as one of my parents is retrenched. All I had in my mind is to soften my mother's burden and not letting her worrying over my condition...

I do believe that education to the young is the only way in helping us and the society in learning more about HIV, safe sex etc. No matter how young a person is we are exposed to the world in various ways which can influence us in some way. Educating the young in safe sex should be included with the various symptoms of all the sexually transmitted diseases like HIV." - Chinese 19 years, diagnosed at 18

Another one:
I knew I was gay when I was in secondary school. It was also during that time that I had my first sexual encounter. However I did not tell my friends in school about it. The first time I told a friend about my sexuality was when I was in junior college...

I believed I contracted HIV when I had unprotected sex with someone I knew over the Internet while I was serving the army. I had underestimated the importance of safer sex. I did not think I would be unlucky as to contract HIV. I had sexual encounters too early and the importance of safer sex did not hit me as being crucial. To me, it was more of a form of contraception than a protection against STIs at that time. HIV and other STIs were simply diseases which I thought were gory pictures showing infected genitals...

I am convinced that a better awareness of safer sex and the various STIs can protect individuals. They should be empowered with the necessary information in order to make an informed decision. I wished I knew the dangers of having unprotected sex as well as knowing how I could have protected myself. By casting sex as the forbidden fruit, it made me curious, and I am sure many others feel the same. Being open and honest about sex could be one way forward... - Chinese 23 years, diagnosed at 20

Even though the message for safe sex seems pretty common for me, it is quite obvious that it is quite uncommon for a lot of young people. The best way would be to reach them in school, through some campaign or awareness program.

But then, how relevant and how effective can it be, when even straight sex are still somewhat spoken in hush tones, what more homosexual acts. As you can read from the above, words like "homosexual" and "gay" can't even appear in print in reading materials for distribution.

There are many who doesn't have access to the internet, printed materials, etc. Even if they do, the importance of safe sex have to be emphasized and reinforced over and over to make sure they get. Especially for teenagers, where it is the phase of experimentation and rebellion, things like this might just whizzed past them. Seem like trivial. Like what are the chances?

If only humans are like the HIV virus - non-discriminatory. It does not care about one's race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, wealth, social status, whatever. It does not care who it infects.

And that is what makes it so dangerous and lethal.

AIDS Memorial 2007

Yesterday, Lloyd and I attended the AIDS Memorial Day, which is held every third Sunday of May. It was held indoors this year, in one of the lecture halls of Singapore Management University, unlike last year where there was a candlelight walk outdoors.

There were ushers to show us the way to the hall on the second floor. Even though we were 20 minutes early, there were a lot of people already seated. One can tell that a lot of them are gay, with some straight people. Both the right and left seats were taken up by the Red Cross, whose members are quite young, less than 15 years old.

There were representatives and religious leaders from the various faiths seated on the front row. I counted eight of them and I recognised one of them to be Reverend Yap, who used to be the pastor of the Methodist churches in Malaysia and Singapore. He is one of the few pastors who speaks out for homosexuals, as can be seen from his speech not too long ago.

Anyway, the memorial started about 15 minutes later than the scheduled 7 p.m. time. The service was started off by a short welcome note by the MC, who gave an introduction to what the AIDS memorial was all about and thanked the relevant parties.

This was followed by the opening address by the chairman of the organising committee, Dr Derrick (can't remember the surname). His speech was peppered by a lot statistics which basically drive home the fact that HIV infections among the gay community, not just in Singapore but in many Asian countries are on the rise again, outnumbering the heterosexual infections.

The next item was a song, sang by a duo called Flying Without Wings.

What came afterwards was the remembrance, where the 77 people who died of AIDS in Singapore last year had their names called out and volunteers would go on stage to place a name tag on this arrangement of flowers.



It was indeed a solemn affair. I was quite moved by this act to remember those who have passed on, to honour their courageous fight towards the end.

However, there was something that saddened me. The 77 people were not called by their name, but by their initials only. Two, three and four letter word combinations came up on the screen - LYK, BJB, SS, WSTK. I was wondering why on Earth can't these people be remembered properly, when it hit me ...

The stigma. The discrimination. Not to those who have died, but their living family members and friends.

That is something which society is at fault. As the Organising Committee Chairperson said, it's as if once a person has HIV, all his fine qualities and whatever good he has done are erased. He instantly becomes a bad person, who is to be avoided and shunned.

This point was made all the more clearly and painful when there was a sharing by a HIV infected person which was read out by a volunteer (again, to protect the person's anonymity).

She was infected by her husband. The night the news was broken to the rest of the family, she said her family crumbled. Her eldest daughter moved out and stayed with her in-laws that very same night. The youngest daughter moved out too.

Only the second child stayed. But he was forced to make the decision to stay with his parents or to move out, by his girlfriend. Either the parents or the girlfriend. How could one be made to choose, especially in such a situation. He was so stressed that he made the choice to move abroad to work.

The news spread to her relatives and neighbours. She was avoided like the plague and had to move to a new neighbourhood to start a new life. Fortunately, she was discovered by volunteers of FIRSTHAND (a volunteer group, can't remember what the acronym stands for) and was given the support and encouragement to face life's challenges and to realise that she can still lead a normal life.

Another interesting item of the evening was the recital of prayers by the various representatives of different faiths. Singapore has a Inter-Religious Organisation, which can never happen in Malaysia as long as the religious extremist and ignorant are around.

This is what I would call Muhibah, and not those artificial advertisements or posters showing one Malay, one Chinese and one Indian.

Each one of them recited a prayer for those who have passed on and for the living, that they may be fit, healthy and be blessed with a good life.



There was an observation of a minute of silence. Each of us were given a glowstick, instead of a candle.

Another song was sung, "That's What Friends are For", which is a song I love. Things become cheesy a little when the singers asked the audience to sing together and say "Thanks for being my friend" to their neighbours.

It was indeed a memorable event for me. The AIDS scourge is not going to end anytime soon, even with an optimistic theme for the 2007 AIDS Memorial of "Leading the way to a World Without AIDS".

But what we can do is to practice safe sex, remind people about safe sex and to treat people with HIV/AIDS without discrimination. No one deserves to be treated like the woman above, especially in their greatest time of need and support.


P/S I am not really sure how Malaysia commemorated this event, but it seems it was done very differently.

Year 2007, Week 20

Nothing much has happened since my last post.

Watched Spiderman 3 last Friday. Quite disappointing actually. Not much character development and to make it top the earlier two movies, the producers just threw in more villains. Like more villains and more action make a movie better.

Venom was so unnecessary. He appeared like what, in the last 15 minutes of the show so that he can share some Spiderman-bashing time with Sandman. And speaking of Sandman, the character is weak. The sudden U-turn in the character at the end of the movie was unconvincing.

Basically, the movie is the weakest of the three. Too many subplots and trying to do too many things within 140 minutes. Although the ending doesn't shout an impending Part 4, it is quite likely. Typical Hollywood to milk a franchise as much as it can.

The next big blockbuster movie I will be watching is Pirates of the Caribbean. I seriously hope that it is much better and lives up to its hype. At almost three hours long (yes, even longer than Spiderman), I hope it ties up all the loose ends with a satisfactory ending.

Oh yeah, I bought tickets to watch a gay play, called Happy Endings: Asian Boys Volume 3 on 21st July. Quite expensive really; it came to $40 even after 20% discount.

*trying to recall what else*

Ooh, ooh! While I was at dinner yesterday at Tony Roma's, I screamed quite loudly in shock when the piece of chicken that James was feeding me fell into a bowl of baked beans.

Benji exclaimed, "Now everybody knows you are gay!"

I don't mind actually. I don't mind at all ;P And it was actually quite funny and we laughed out loud .....

And I can't wait for the Singapore Sale to start next week! So many things to buy! In fact, many shops are already on sale!

Hundred days later

After the previous super duper long post which took me more than 2 hours to write, I thought a one week break would be nice ;P

*************************************

Nyk is still quite new to the gay scene. As in, he only started meeting similarly inclined people less than half a year ago. Before that, there was the usual issues of coming to terms with it, bla bla bla.

And guess what? Within this short time, he is already out to his family. I am really impressed with his courage. I am proud of what he has done.

For me, it took me three years after I met people from online.

However, coming out is not without its consequences. The usual gamut of "This is sinful", "You must try to change", "This won't do you any good" and "This won't have a happy ending".

Still, I am here for him. It is heart wrenching that I am 300 kilometers away when he needs me most.

His voice has a tinge of pain, of need and support.

Needless to say, I would love to be with him now. I really really want to. But work and schedule don't permit.

And he understands. He knows I am trying my best to offer love and support in whatever way possible, that can span the distance between us.

He is a brave soldier, oh yes he is.

And I shall march beside you.

*************************************

The day after I came back, my mood wasn't really good. How could I, with what happened?

I have this colleague TY who has this close friend who is gay. This guy has been dating someone for 5 years. The boyfriend has similar problems after the family knew he is gay.

Thus when TY asked how was my trip back to KL, I said my friend had a problem. A huge one. A problem similar to her friend's boyfriend problem.

She said OK.

I asked, "Do you know what I am saying? The meaning behind it?"

"I think so."

And I proceeded to tell her about it.

Which now means that I am out to her. The only one that I am out to in the office.

*************************************

Last but not least, Tuesday was our 100th day together. Out of those 100, I think we spent only about 15 days together.

On that day, I was wearing the cock silver ring he gave me, I put on the EDT he gave me for my birthday and a pair of sexy undies which is also from him.

As a gift, I bought him a book by Neil Gaiman which I knew he wanted.

It has been a great first 100 days. May there be hundreds more of 100 days ;P

My side of the coin

Will: So Mr Derek, what are all these rumours saying that you are two-timing?

Derek: Yes, it is true.

Will: Gasp! It is? How could you? After all the posts about how good you are and …

Derek: Let me explain from the beginning. As you know, heck, as everyone knows I am no longer with CF, who is studying in Canada. I posted the break up on my blog. The way I see it is that, we are practically no longer a couple. We are a couple only in name. Imagine a husband and wife who signed a marriage certificate, but don’t stay together, don’t communicate with each other and treat each other as friends only. That’s what we were and had become.

W: So from what I understand from that particular post, you have indeed broken up? Then how does the two-timing issue crop up?

D: You see Will, the thing is, everyone in the whole world knows I have broken up, except for my ex, CF. I admit that it was my fault. Things weren’t very clear. We didn’t break up officially, but agreed to talk things over when we meet again when he comes back to KL in May 2007.

However, in my mind, we were already over. Technically, the words “It’s over, let’s move on with our lives” have not been spoken. But practically, it has been said. You get what I mean? Actions speak louder than words, as CF always says. The actions have spoken the above, even though the words have not. His actions have spoken – I still remember the pain that I went through, the uncertainties and the cold treatment I received; I figured those were the signs things were coming to an end. I thought it was pretty clear to me. I thought I made it quite obvious on my blog. But apparently to CF, it was not.

W: Why would he think like that?

D: I am not sure. In the post I mentioned above, in the conversations we had, I thought it was quite clear and difficult to misinterpret. Even after that conversation, I still called him on average once a month. The difference in my tone was there. I didn’t end my calls with “I love you”, the whole conversation sounded quite formal, more like between friends than lovers.

Hmmm, as I think back, I recall that he was surprisingly chirpy in conversations after the break-up, which isn’t like him. In the past when we were still together, he didn’t like me calling; answering calls was like a tedious chore to him and he always sound like he can’t wait to put down the phone. But after that, he didn’t do any of those things. Which was how he talks to friends. Normal friends. Thus, I really believed that we were normal friends only. Oh, and he even said that he started reading my blog again … but I suppose somehow he missed that particular post.

W: Then how did you find out that he still believes you two are a couple?

D: The break up conversation happened in October 2006, but I only posted it up in November. Of course me being single, I could date other guys. I met Nyk not long after that and we started dating end of January 2007. We had wanted to take things slow and thus didn’t tell anyone we were together at the time. But when I was back in KL for Chinese New Year in February, we saw no point in hiding anymore and that was when our friends knew.

W: Erm Derek, you didn’t really answer my question.

D: Yeah, I was coming to that actually. Thanks to this mutual friend that we have, TW. TW knew CF first and TW still calls CF in Canada. According to TW, he treats CF like a younger brother, though TW has also admitted to liking him more than just friends. You get what I mean?

So anyway, I suppose he called CF after he knew I was together with Nyk and found out that CF thinks that he was still attached to me. Obviously, I didn’t know that and TW for whatever reasons didn’t have the guts to tell me directly. He then wrote a post in his blog in early March 2007 about John, Luke and Paul in a love triangle and it was quite clear that he was referring to CF, Nyk and me.

W: I don’t really get it. Why is TW involved?

D: Neither do I. But I remember reading in his post that whoever messes with his friends, messes with him. So even though this has nothing to do with him, he’s involved. It's like someone whacks your neighbour's dog and you go burnt the person's house. That kind of thing. And he seems to be involved in a lot of other things of our friends also, which doesn't need his involvement.

W: Is that how the news of you supposedly two-timing spread? From TW’s blog?

D: People who knew CF and I probably knew what TW was writing about. Of course, they made the mature decision to not interfere and let things work out between CF, Nyk and I. As someone said, as long as CF, Nyk and I knew what was going on, that’s all that matters.

But of course, apparently CF didn’t know. To be fair, I have told Nyk about CF and that we have not officially broken up yet till we meet in May 2007. It’s like a husband and wife separated but waiting to sign divorce documents in front of the lawyer in May 2007, but long before that the love and passion have already been gone.

W: So did you bring forward the “official” break up then, from May 2007 to March 2007? The so-called “signing of the divorce papers”?

D: I didn’t see why it should be. It was already March 2007, just another two months before May. Still, TW went to speak to Nyk personally about this, sowing seeds of suspicion and distrust. Nyk was pretty upset about this, but luckily we managed to talk things over and came to an understanding that I was supposed to terminate the relationship as soon as possible.

W: And did you?

D: I didn’t. And not because I didn’t want to. It’s because of how I perceive a break up should happen. Like what I explained in my previous post. I am a believer in doing it right, of doing it properly so that we can still be friends. Imagine getting an email which said, “Due to bla bla bla, I don’t think things are working out. Let’s not see each other anymore.” I think my post captured what I want to say more eloquently.

W: So what made you only clear the air now? Why didn’t you do anything earlier to stop these whisperings of two-timing from spreading?

D: I thought I could counter them by talking and explaining to close friends that I know, the people that matters and which the truth they should know. I thought that would be the end of it, that it would die down and let me do what is necessary when the time comes in May. But apparently, when one doesn't put out the fire, it doesn't burn itself out but becomes stronger.

You see, the news was being kept alive as it was mentioned again in TW’s blog and presumably in his conversations to our mutual friends. I kept getting asked about why am I being unfair, as recent as last weekend. Furthermore, I am in Singapore, while TW is in KL and he gets to meet all the people that I know too.

W: And that is why you can’t keep silent anymore?

D: Yes. And there’s more actually. TW actually put strange nick in his Gtalk, like “Welcome back Chris. Is Operation Payback on?” and "Welcome back chris. Enjoy your 3 mths holiday. Is the plan still in play?" And that was in early April, when CF was still in Canada. There were a lot more of those, but basically all saying that CF is back in KL when in fact, he was not. CF only arrived back in KL on 1st May.

For what purpose he did all those silly things, telling the whole world that CF was back in KL when he actually wasn't, I don’t know. One can’t really fathom a mind that is erm .... different, which wanted to create the illusion that CF is back when he is not.

In fact, TW actually sent a text to a friend on 30 April, one whole day before CF actually step foot in KL, saying “I'm out with Chris. He wants to know if u want to meet up for lunch next week. He says he got some stuff from Canada for you." Can you spell delusional?

W: What do you think TW is trying to do?

D: I have no idea, honestly. I think he is trying to play mind games or something. But what kind of mind games I don’t know. I mean, he keeps saying that CF is back when he is not, probably he’s trying to scare me or something. He wants everyone including me to know that CF is back. Or telling me indirectly to meet CF when he’s back in KL.

I mean what use is it for me to know that CF is back unless it was for me to meet him?

W: So are you going to meet CF?

D: Of course I do. But you know what the strange thing is? CF kept telling me that he is not coming back this year. I spoke to CF on the phone during Chinese New Year, another time on his birthday in early April and even on the day he was flying back (29 April in Canadian time), he still insisted that he was not coming back. When I called him a few days ago, I suspect he was in the airport yet he still said that he was not coming back to KL. So obviously, CF is as much a part of this mind game as TW.

W: Are you sure?

D: From the looks of it, yeah. TW texted me yesterday and said that CF knows all the texts that he sends out that refers to CF. So CF clearly knows what has been going on.

But you know what the interesting and amazing part is? CF never actually uttered a word on this thing. Everything that has happened was done by TW. Absolutely nothing from the horse's mouth. So come to think of it, I am not too sure whether CF knows. Or he knows but just go along with all these weird psychotic mind games which probably came from TW. At best, I can only guessed, since CF has not said anything to prove his involvement or non-involvement in this. But he certainly knows. And certainly, CF's name has been tarnished because of this.

It is more likely that TW orchestrated the whole thing on his own, coz you know, he did have feelings for CF. He might still do.

W: When are you going to meet CF?

D: You see, that’s the thing. I called CF’s house yesterday afternoon, like more than 10 times before it was finally answered. His mom answered, asked me who I am, said hold on, she’ll get CF on the phone. A moment later the phone was put down. Obviously, CF doesn’t want to speak to me. I have also tried texting and calling his mobile, so CF must be really blur if he doesn’t know that I am trying to contact him.

Do you know what is more insulting? CF, or maybe it was TW again, actually asked his brother to write me an email saying, “If you have nothing important to talk about please stop calling the house phone or if you have any important things to say just e-mail back to me with what you want to say and I'll sms him” If it was nothing important, I wouldn’t be calling CF’s house like, 20 times? And if it is important, he wants me to pass the message through his brother? What, he thinks I am not important enough to personally speak to me? I think that even if I didn’t make it clear to him earlier about this whole break up thing, I deserve some basic courtesy?

Oh, and you know what takes the cake? The cake with layers of lies upon lies? TW said he was there beside CF when I called. I can only speculate, but I doubt he was. If he was, he could easily have picked up the phone and said "CF doesn't want to speak to you. So fuck off!" But instead, CF's innocent brother was dragged into this and "supposedly" sent me that email saying "Get lost!", which I just mentioned.

W: From the looks of things, I don’t think you can meet CF. From what I have read in your previous posts, this would be like your first relationship where there was no proper closure? What do you think?

D: I sincerely want a proper closure. A proper conversation, wishing each other all the best and move on. Maybe a hug before we part. But of course, with CF pretending that he is not even in KL and ignoring my calls …….

W: Breaking news. This just in ... according to TW, he said "Why should Derek want to come clean now when he has Nyk? To CF, it's like Derek telling him that it's over and it's time to move on. It's easy for Derek to say that coz he has Nyk. I couldn't believe some of the SMS that Derek send Chris." What do you have to say?

D: First of all, I am not coming clean NOW. CF and I have acted like we have broken up when we spoke on the phone, as I have mentioned earlier in this interview. Also, the way it was said seems to imply that I am breaking off because I have Nyk, which isn't true. Remember, from CF's actions, I took it that he has lost interest in me when he went over to Canada.

Also, even if I am not dating anyone now, I still want to meet CF and have proper closure. I had gone through the pain, the process of the break up more than six months ago.

There's this unposted item which I wrote last in September 2006:

I called him on Monday morning, under the impression that his orientation would start the next day. Apparently, he was busy moving furniture or whatever and wasn't appropriate for a long chat.

As such, I tried to keep it short and asked some stuff like whether he has got his PC, how's things so far, did he make any new friends, etc.

I said I would call back later. Which I did, but my calls went unanswered.

A few days later, I received a text message on Friday night, not from him, but from a mutual friend, TW. The message said "He asked me to tell you hi."

How ... thoughtful.

The first thing that crossed my mind, "Why can't he message me directly?" Shouldn't he be texting me and ask me to say hi to the friend instead?

And do you see the irony in TW's words? He told the people we know that CF was back when he wasn't and mentioned the same thing in his Gtalk. But now, when CF is actually back he is saying what's the point of me meeting CF.

The way I see it, TW actually made things worse. Much worse. Without his interference, I would have proceeded with what CF and I agreed on, which was to talk over it and have a clean break up in May 2007. That would be good and we would still have been friends.

But due to what has happened, that has a very slim, almost nil chance of happening. He created hatred in CF towards me, judging by how CF is avoiding my calls. I could not fathom how someone can destroy love in the pursuit of it or in the name of friendship.

And what a fool I have been. TW actually sent me a text, saying sorry for his actions because it was Easter. I asked, what have you done and what are you apologising for? He just said sorry again. I actually believed his words and thought that was the end of it. Obviously, I was mistaken. A leopard never changes its spots.

W: Thank you very much for your time. Any last words?

D: I think I am not a good judge of people and I think I have been wrong about a person’s character before. But I think I made a big one this time. Things, relationships, seem to be unravelling with him around.

My relationship with Nyk was almost jeopardized because of it. It could be coincidence, I don’t know, but it’s just uncanny. As he can read people well, better than most people do, it’s easy for him to play mind games. Some of us might already be in his games without knowing it. He can preempt and anticipate a lot of our moves. Thus I advice caution.

Mind games create illusions, creates falsehood; they destroy rather than create. People hear things that aren’t completely true. The reality is twisted into another version. I am the opposite of all these. I am a direct; I speak what I think. I confront the truth, not run away from it. I also try to be fair, always keeping in mind that there are two sides to a coin, two sides to a story. Listening to one side only doesn’t give a complete picture and one is only fooling himself and will not know the whole truth.

In addition, I want to say that when one truly loves, when one truly understands love, one realise that love nurtures, love makes the other person grow. You want the best for him, you want him to be happy, mature, develop his potential, to learn how to love others, not hate. You want him to be a better person emotionally and ethically, not the person that you want to him to be. The other person's happiness comes first.

Last but not least, I think this will start a war of words, which I seriously and sincerely hope not. I want this to end, with this interview. Someone started it, I took my time in responding and now I have responded. I really don’t want this childishness to continue.

Thank you for your time too, Will.

Any resemblance to actual persons is intended. Some names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Love prevails

He is going through a very rough patch now. I feel so helpless to be not able to do anything. Though in reality, I can't do anything anyway.

Aarrgh ... it's so frustrating.

I have to be strong for him. I have to be patient for him.

I pray for strength for him. For me. For us.

******************************

Updated:
Finally we managed to meet before I go back to Singapore. All thanks to his best friend who helped us out.

I feel very reluctant to go back, with all that has happened since 24 hours ago. I really wish I could stay for another day or two, but I know there's only so much I can do.

Yet obviously I wish I could do more.

But when I heard him say that what I have done was beyond his expectations, I smiled. It's the least I can do actually.

Yes, these challenges have brought us closer together. I realised I can be the provider too - to be the rock in these tumultuous times and in this journey we call life, as you have been for me.

*hugs*

Love withers

I believe that feelings and love don’t change overnight. They change gradually, sometimes even without anyone realizing. If it was not discovered and brought into the open for discussion, it will fester and reach its breaking point and it would then be the end of a relationship.

The aftermath of a broken relationship isn’t usually nice, especially when one person still likes the other. That explains why closures are important. Good closures usually necessitate more than one meet up.

I still remember mine two years back. I was half expecting it, as something happened earlier which hurt me a lot. We were at Coffee Bean and we talked. He told me his reasons, which at that time seemed reasonable. It made a lot of sense and I could see where he was coming from.

Surprisingly, I was calm. Even though I believe he was at fault and I was being dumped, I was amazingly composed. I was rationale and realized there was no point forcing it, forcing him to be in a relationship which he didn’t want to.

The next day, we met up again. Or specifically, I called him to come over. I wanted to be together again. I wanted him back.

But at the end of our meet, it was not to be. I was heartbroken but more importantly, the much-needed talk happened.

We talked. I cried. We hugged. We parted ways.

I tried to get over him over the following week also. I think it took me more than a week, but I finally found the strength to let go, to realize that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway if he truly didn’t have any feelings for me.

Breaking up is painful, but the way it is done can help soften the blow. The hurt and pain would still be there, but somehow if it is done in a manner which is out of concern for the other party, out of a desire to still be friends after that, out of a need to have proper closure.

Which is why, personally, I feel that breaking up over an SMS, email or other electronic media is, well, improper and inconsiderate.

The way I see it is that, if I were at the receiving end of an email which says “It’s over” followed by ten pages of reasons, I still don’t think it’s sufficient.

Firstly, doesn’t the other have the courtesy, not to mention guts, to tell one face-to-face but have to do it virtually?

Secondly, I feel that a real meet up conveys more meaning and sincerity. The non-verbal signs and the body language; all these adds up to making the break-up more amicable and less painful. It clears things up. There are things which only could be done in a physical meeting.

Even when two friends say goodbye, there is a handshake (for the prudes) or a hug. What more of a relationship which lasted for some period of time. A *hugs* sent electronically is different from a real hug.

In addition, there are always questions. How? Why? What? - these can only be answered properly in a face-to-face setting. Questions that need to be asked and answered so that both have a clear picture of what happened and the events that led to the ultimate unfortunate result.

Parting in a good way does not guarantee that the ex-couple would still be friends and be in touch, but it surely helps. Obviously, it's better to part on good terms and with fond memories rather than an abrupt goodbye or a huge argument where abuses were hurled.

Another thing which I believe is important is the timing of the break up. Definitely not after a session of sex and then one says “Things are not working out. Let’s break up.” Or near to or on that person’s birthday. Or during when the other is having exams.

To me birthdays are important. I don’t want to remember the day with something unpleasant. And I definitely don’t want anyone to experience it like I did, when my relationship ended three days before my birthday.

In the end, all break ups are painful. But if it was done with the intention of letting things go so that both parties experience as little pain as possible and with as much issues clarified, it makes the healing process smoother.

Boys Love

As much as we would like relationships to last, there are times when it is no longer possible to sustain it. Reasons range from lost of interest, another third party involved, not being able to see themselves together in the future, drifted apart, etc.

To me, all relationships are the same, gay or straight. Couples go through many obstacles, arguments, fights, silent treatments, the whole works. But for us gays, the challenges are more numerous and the obstacles are more difficult to overcome.

Which is why more gay relationships fail.

Can one openly bring the boyfriend home and introduce him to one's parents? Can one bring the boyfriend to the company's annual dinner? Can one declare one's love for another for everyone to know?

Of course, one can all do that. But how many actually can and do? You may pooh-pooh these as small and minor things, but the influence from parents, society and friends are significant.

As such, gay relationships take more work and effort. Gays don't have things planned out and then just go through the motions of life like the straights, where marriage is the way to go.

A straight couple who has been dating for 10 years is more likely to get married than to break up, even if there is not much passion left. To them, that's the natural course of action and it is more hassle to start all over with a new partner, especially if they are past the marrying age i.e. above 30.

In addition, if a straight couple breaks up, there are friends and family who would rush in to help mend things. They want to see them get back together and do whatever they can to salvage the relationship.

What happens when a gay relationship breaks up? More often than not, we only have our other gay friends to turn to. Guys are usually more practical and would say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I would be really surprised if the parents come on board to assist to mend things or friends chip in to help them get back together.

We seldom interfere, unless we really have to. Unlike the heteros who would cajole and beg the unfortunate couple to reconsider.

Last but not least, biology does come into play no matter how much we deny it. Discipline and commitment can be learn, but they are difficult to practice. Ultimately men are sexually driven. In these times of instant gratification, coupled with constant lust and desire, cheating options are easily available. Just like we don't bat an eyelid when a man cheats on his wife, neither do we when we find out that someone has been cheating on his boyfriend.

Obviously, that is not an acceptable excuse.

The only difference is that there is marriage certificate and/or children to make things difficult to separate, but those things aren't there for gay couples. If they are, things might be a lot different.

There are many reasons why relationships fail and the reasons I have mentioned are not exhaustive. It takes deeper reasoning and thought to understand why, as all relationships are different with their own dynamics and complexities.

It's too simplistic to assume that whenever two guys get together, they would ultimately break up. It's illogical to think that it would never last without giving it a try.

Just like it is silly to think that there's no chance in hell that a married couple would divorce. Or that the husband would have an affair with the secretary when there's an opportunity.

If one were to really think like that, all gay relationships will not work out. But we all know that there are many which do. You just have to look harder.

As such, do not be discouraged by all the nay-sayers. If you believe it can happen, it will.

Love grows

Love at first sight.

When I was younger, I thought that it would be a nice way to fall in love. I would walk into a room with a party in full swing, people busy chatting and drinking. I would look around to spot someone I know and head towards him.

As I walked towards the friend, I would catch sight of someone cute. Someone across the room, chatting with his friend. Oblivious to the fact that he has caught my attention.

From where I was standing, he would be someone who looks around my age, tall, with a perfect smile and toned body. He would have a friendly demeanour, confident and has a hearty laugh.

Without warning, he would suddenly turned to my direction, our eyes would locked. Light would emanated from around him and time would feel like it stopped for a moment.

Of course, how many people actually found their partners that way? Not many, I think. I know there are, but that would be far and few between.

Sorry to disappoint those who still believe in love at first sight, but what I am about to continue is not about my own love at first sight.

From my modest relationship experiences, love has not come to me that way. Rather, I fall in love slowly and gradually.

One of them whom I know from Fridae, our relationship didn't start from first sight. Honestly, I didn't find him attractive. But somehow, I decided to give it a go. I told myself that looks isn't everything. We had chatted on the phone many times and there were qualities that I liked about him.

Slowly and gradually, I liked it him more and more. I was devastated when we broke up, even though I was partially being desperate at the time, as I thought I would never find someone who would love me again.

Obviously I was wrong.

Another started off with him liking him first. I didn't think I would date him, as we started off as friends and hanged out quite often. Thus he was more of a friend to me, than a potential partner.

However, after we officially started dating, I began to see what a wonderful person. He was sweet, he was quite mature for his age and he loves me a lot. He was someone whom I thought I would take care off and wanted to make him happy as long as I could.

I was extremely saddened when he had to leave. At the time, we have had a few downs. And I was very much into him, more than he was into me.

As such, love for me takes time to build. It gradually becomes stronger as I know the other person more. It takes a firmer footing when we spend more time together, chatting and telling each other our life stories. The roots grow deeper as I discover his good qualities, like concern for his family and friends, jovial attitude and his goal to be the best person he can be.

Frequent communication is important. Call it possessive or obsessive, but I need to know that he is fine. I will text or call, everyday. I also want the other person to know that he is in my thoughts always.

And most all, it is to show that I miss him. A lot.

Something to warm the cockles III

The article below is taken from here. It's good to know that our brothers are making themselves be seen and heard.

Recently, I got an email from Jon (sorry that I haven't replied you yet), which has a quote that I found to be profound - It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not.

May you find the courage to live the life you want and to the fullest, like the Vinces below.

Gays survive exorcism, find love, urge change
Meet the Vinces.

Or, as friends call them, Vince C. -- short for Cervantes -- and Vince P. -- for Pancucci.

Talking to the young couple, it's hard to imagine that less than a year ago each underwent exorcisms or other religious "treatments" intended to de-gay them while they were students at the same Christian college in California.

"I was about ready to end my life," recalls Cervantes, 19. "No matter how many exorcisms I went through, no matter how many times I cried and asked God to change me, I wasn't changing."

Wrestling with being gay fundamentalist Christians, their paths merged last August. Through prayer, Scripture reading and listening to their hearts, they came to understand their sexual orientation is a God-given identity. And they soon fell in love. Or, as Cervantes describes it, "I felt God opened a door for me."

At school, they bravely posted testimonials about how it hurt to hear being gay called "sinful" and "immoral" in chapel. School administrators ripped down their testimonials and threatened expulsion.

Refusing to abandon their relationship, the couple left school and became domestic partners under California law, gaining nearly all the state-level rights and responsibilities of married heterosexuals.

Outside a chapel, they exchanged vows. Only then, feeling married in the eyes of God, did they become sexually intimate.

Dedicating themselves to helping other gay Christians, they became Equality Riders, faithful young adults who travel by bus to Christian colleges to carry hope to closeted gay students and share their experiences with all students and faculty.

Guided by the powerful principles of nonviolent protest used by Gandhi and the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., 50 gay or gay-friendly riders are traveling to 32 Christian colleges. (For details: Soulforce.org.)

As two Grand Rapids colleges they'll visit in late April illustrate, sometimes they're welcome, other times they're not.

Rex Rogers, the president of Cornerstone University who claims in his blog that gays are in the "grip of sin," warns Riders won't be allowed on campus because, in his view, their "purpose is to undermine and attack the very basic biblical values that we say we believe in."

Down the road, Calvin College also teaches that gay sex is wrong but is inviting Riders to a worship service, meals and to tell "what it's like to have been on a bus ride for two months on a cause you believed in," says Shirley Hoogstra, vice president for student life. The Riders offer her students a chance "to welcome well the stranger at your gate," she adds.

Pancucci, 20, who like Cervantes has been arrested along the way, says, "We don't want anyone else to have to question whether they can be gay and Christian. We want to go to schools and say, 'Hey, it's OK to come out of the closet and rejoice in who you are.'"

Cervantes revels in knowing the ride is changing hearts. At one Christian college, a young woman took him aside: "She broke down and said, 'I can see your love for your husband is no different from mine for my husband.'"

Ever so gently, Equality Riders like the Vinces are breathing new life into Gandhi's great challenge: Be the change you wish to see in the world.

I Wanted To Fall Asleep ...

I went to watch Shooter yesterday. It was a good action movie – fast-paced and lots of action. There were quite a lot of tense and heart-stopping moments, which is how an action movie should be. Mark Wahlberg could be the new action hero for the silver screen, as he carried the role well.

This movie was in deep contrast with the artistic film which I wanted to watch called I Don't Want to Sleep Alone and I posted about here.

I had expected long shots of a particular scene, where nothing including the characters moved. Those shots that just focused on them staring, lying down or something similar.

I nearly fell asleep.

It was initially quite interesting, where there were the use of various language of songs – the Malay couple singing on the walkway to Pudu LRT, the Chinese oldies song playing from the radio and the immigrants watching a Hindi movie with lots of song. There is this line from the Hindi song which I quite like and it goes something like this – You are the lotus in the pond of my heart; You quench your thirst with the water in the pond.

Most of the scenes were shot near the Pudu Jail near Berjaya Times Square. The colourful but faded mural was shown quite a number of times.

The movie was more like a microcosm of three peoples’ lives. It was an observation into their lives, of how they go about their daily chores. As they are immigrants to Malaysia, we get a glimpse of the difficulty, loneliness and their disconnection from the general society. They usually don’t get a second look from us when we passed by them.

Some scenes which you don’t usually see in movies include one with Rawang carrying Kang to the toiler, holding his weight so that Kang can stand to pee but failing, helping out Kang to unbutton his pants and after peeing putting back his penis into pants. This was shot from behind, with no frontal nudity but just the ass.

Another was Rawang bathing him with a towel. Kang was lying on the mattress still injured, only in his underwear. The underwear was thin and the outline and shape of his penis was clearly visible. Rawang patiently, gently and tenderly turned him on his sides and wiped him all over. After that, Rawang put on a sarong on him. He put his hands into the sarong and remove Kang's underwear for washing.

It all looked very nice and sweet, save for the decrepit and bare furnishings. The tenderness and care was clearly felt emanating from Rawang, but not from Kang. He seemed slightly cold and stiff; no response of appreciation whatsoever.

I wouldn't mind doing the same for my boyfriend, but to a stranger ... it just feels strange. Which obviously points to the fact that Rawang has feeling for Kang.

The other character Chyi helps the owner of a coffee shop. She also helps to take care of the owner's husband who is a vegetable. She cleans and feeds him everyday. She is supposed to be Kang's girlfriend too.

Ignoring the fact that the main character isn’t cute, he is not very likeable. He had sex or at least used his finger to pleasure the coffee shop owner (who is also his so-called girlfriend's boss) in a dark alley.

Kang is also disgusting. He squirted from his mouth orange juice into Chyi's mouth before they had sex. And the sex scene between them was laborious, as it was during the haze and the both of them were coughing and moaning. It's too absurd that it's funny.

In addition, since the characters couldn't afford masks, they put on polystyrene bowls and plastic bags. Like hello, those things don't work!

The part that takes the cake is that, between the three main characters, only Rawang has lines. And it totalled less than 10.

Imagine, Kang and Chyi did not utter a SINGLE word in the entire 2 hour movie! I know it's an artistic movie, but this is way too artistic for me. I kept looking at my watch, anticipating the moment when they would actually speak. Needless to say, that moment never come.

Another saving grace that I could think of is the angle of the shots. Some of them are really creative and interesting. The location was well chosen too. I was not aware that there is an abandoned construction site near Pudu, which was the scene to the intercourse and one hilarious moment in the film.

The week before, I watch "The Number Twenty Three". Avoid this at all costs. It doesn't make much sense, even though Jim Carrey played the role well.

Seeing the number twenty three in everything (like 11/9/2001 adds up to twenty three and there are twenty three pairs of chromosome in a human cell) doesn't make one go psycho and want to kill people. I mean, what if someone was born on the 23rd of November 1978 (1978 is divisible by 23) and live on No 23 Nutty Street? It doesn't make sense that he will go mental and becomes murderous.

In short, these are my ratings:
Shooter: 7.5/10
I Don't Want To Sleep Alone: 6/10
The Number Twenty Three: 5/10