Thursday, April 19, 2007

Boys Love

As much as we would like relationships to last, there are times when it is no longer possible to sustain it. Reasons range from lost of interest, another third party involved, not being able to see themselves together in the future, drifted apart, etc.

To me, all relationships are the same, gay or straight. Couples go through many obstacles, arguments, fights, silent treatments, the whole works. But for us gays, the challenges are more numerous and the obstacles are more difficult to overcome.

Which is why more gay relationships fail.

Can one openly bring the boyfriend home and introduce him to one's parents? Can one bring the boyfriend to the company's annual dinner? Can one declare one's love for another for everyone to know?

Of course, one can all do that. But how many actually can and do? You may pooh-pooh these as small and minor things, but the influence from parents, society and friends are significant.

As such, gay relationships take more work and effort. Gays don't have things planned out and then just go through the motions of life like the straights, where marriage is the way to go.

A straight couple who has been dating for 10 years is more likely to get married than to break up, even if there is not much passion left. To them, that's the natural course of action and it is more hassle to start all over with a new partner, especially if they are past the marrying age i.e. above 30.

In addition, if a straight couple breaks up, there are friends and family who would rush in to help mend things. They want to see them get back together and do whatever they can to salvage the relationship.

What happens when a gay relationship breaks up? More often than not, we only have our other gay friends to turn to. Guys are usually more practical and would say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I would be really surprised if the parents come on board to assist to mend things or friends chip in to help them get back together.

We seldom interfere, unless we really have to. Unlike the heteros who would cajole and beg the unfortunate couple to reconsider.

Last but not least, biology does come into play no matter how much we deny it. Discipline and commitment can be learn, but they are difficult to practice. Ultimately men are sexually driven. In these times of instant gratification, coupled with constant lust and desire, cheating options are easily available. Just like we don't bat an eyelid when a man cheats on his wife, neither do we when we find out that someone has been cheating on his boyfriend.

Obviously, that is not an acceptable excuse.

The only difference is that there is marriage certificate and/or children to make things difficult to separate, but those things aren't there for gay couples. If they are, things might be a lot different.

There are many reasons why relationships fail and the reasons I have mentioned are not exhaustive. It takes deeper reasoning and thought to understand why, as all relationships are different with their own dynamics and complexities.

It's too simplistic to assume that whenever two guys get together, they would ultimately break up. It's illogical to think that it would never last without giving it a try.

Just like it is silly to think that there's no chance in hell that a married couple would divorce. Or that the husband would have an affair with the secretary when there's an opportunity.

If one were to really think like that, all gay relationships will not work out. But we all know that there are many which do. You just have to look harder.

As such, do not be discouraged by all the nay-sayers. If you believe it can happen, it will.


Bibik Nyonya said...

How very well said there!

Tech-Tronic said...

oh my derek lover boy, ur so sweet. every1, lelong lelong. he's up for grabs. don't miss d chance. hurry hurry. 1 stock left. keke... i wan can ah?

a relationship is how 2 person make or break it. many ppl ask wat is love. better yet, how to make love. wakaka... ppl forgot when n how the right way to love. when love is gone, they oso forgot wat's there to love before while leaving in a hurry. loving a person is no more a what but who. it's not abt buying him branded stuffs, valentine or gifts.

a relationship fail bcos human heart nowadays r too confused. d heart dominates d mind instead.

For this age, we shud follow d mind as it's more logic. but we all owuz use d heart when love matters.

so how u love some1 is how u use ur mind n heart to him in d name of love. how true is ur love. how deep is ur love. wat's true n wats deep? kaka... true means d true heart lor. deep is how deep in d mind.

Night said...

another significant differences between straight and gay is gay can always turn back to straight whenever they want and the possibilities is higher compared to straight turn to gay. This is worst than cheating, betrayal i assumed.

Will said...

Derek, have you been spying on Adrian and me? You are saying the things that have been on my mind every day for the past 8 months. There is incredible pain when you feel your relationship slipping away after years of overcoming obstacles, especially when you know there could have been a great future.

Andy Kuramoto said...

I'd like to add, that sometimes what keeps a straight marriage together is, children.

Sometimes even when there really is no love left (like my friends parents, who obviously hate each other..), they do it for the kids.

Sadly in most gay relationships, there's nothing to hold a couple together but love and memories. Nothing that'll involve having to consider for a third party.

Ban said...

Woot! *bounces*

William said...

As short-sighted as I am, you have made me see the glimmer of hope in the future. And I will work hard to see it through.

Kit said...

When I saw him at first sight, I knew he is the one I like. When I talked to him at first chance, I got to know more about him. When I touched him for the first time, I felt the tenderness and warm. When I said that I like him, he also said that he like me too....from the first sight he saw me.

Love at first's really not a Cinderella story, it's really happen any time, any where.

Magus_Young said...

How very well said Derek..., but I think gay guys would have an exhaustive list of why " I think its over" as to compared to why "I think we should try and work things out".

Easy way out mah, exit clauses everywhere, and in most cases people like us suffer from the notion of "LOOKING FOR SOMETHING BETTER" much like point 7.5 looking for 10.0 but the 10.0 would be looking for ler? U tell me? Kanasai

thompsonboy said...

so many reasonings, so many points...but all I fail to learn and comprehend. It's just beyond all of it.

Derek said...

bibik: Thanks! ;P

techtronic: So young but already quite knowledgeable in the matters of the heart ;P

But sorry dear, I'm already taken.

night: It's unlikely someone gay would turn straight. I think you mean bisexual.

I believe it's the personality of that person that matters, not because one can change partners of either sex.

will: Well, I might have been spying LOL

But yeah, it hurts a lot *hugs*

andy: Which is made worse when adoption by gay couples are not encouraged or easily done.

ban: Bounce more! ;P

william: So will I *hugs*

kit: Didn't know yours started at first sight. But I remember it started in Cameron ;P

magusyoung: There's always someone better out there. The difficult decision to make and stick to is - I'm gonna STOP looking.

thompsonboy: Take your time. We learn on our own and from others *hugs*

mlomker said...

You seem very sweet. I've enjoyed reading through your blog today. I ran across your post on

It is sad that I probably won't be able to afford to visit KL and Singapore until I am old(er). I met a nice boy from Singapore when in Amsterdam and I've dated one Malaysian guy here in the States (he didn't like me, oh well).

Good luck!