Homowives

I came across this article. Really quite sad what gay people have to go through to keep others happy. It is a delicate balance and difficult choice between your own happiness and that of others.

All of these are taken from Yawningbread.

For most gay men and lesbians in China, revealing their sexuality to their families is unimaginable. Parents expect their sons and daughters to produce heirs, an obligation that has become even more intense in a society where single-child families are the standard.
-- New York Times, 14 June 2009, Gay festival in China pushes official boundaries

The story also told about cover-up marriages like Huang Jiankun's:
To assuage his parents, he orchestrated a fake wedding to a lesbian friend, but eventually the truth came out. “The problem is when you lie, it becomes connected to another lie and you can’t keep it up,” he said.

There is a blog, in Chinese, about the predicament of wives of gay men.

Below is the translation in English.

Caring about homowife

I attended a forum that discussed the problem of “homowife”. The so-called “Homowife” (tongqi) is the wife (qi) of a homosexual (tongzi). It has been said that China has 20 million male homosexuals, of whom 80 per cent would marry a woman. These women are the “homowives”, and there would be 16 million people.

The homowife phenomenon is a phenomenon characteristic of China, seldom witnessed in other countries. In other countries, homosexuals would remain single or live together or marry other homosexuals. Very few would contract a heterosexual marriage. This difference comes about because Chinese culture places such a great emphasis on marriage and reproduction, as to make them compulsory.

During my visit to Hungary, I found out that only 10 per cent of people of marriageable age got hitched. The rest fell into three categories: single, cohabiting (living together), LAT (lovers who live apart). In this kind of society, homosexuals do not have any need at all to enter into a heterosexual marriage. People would not gossip about them and parents do not apply pressure. Unfortunately our Chinese culture is oppressive with its dictum on men and women having to get married when they reach a certain age and naming the lack of progeny as the most serious breach of filial piety – "there are three kinds of unfilial behaviour and the greatest is have no descendant". It thus forces a community of male homosexuals to marry women to have children.

The situation of the “homowife” is extremely tragic. At the seminar, there were homowives who burst into tears as they spoke, leading all of them to hug each other for a good cry. Most days, they wash their faces with tears. I heard what I considered the most shocking testimony that from a woman who told of how she even doubted her ability to attract men -- why wouldn’t her husband even want to look at her or touch her? Am I really that unworthy as a woman? She assumed that all men would treat her like that, not knowing that this is far from the truth. She did not dream that her husband would be gay. Under the circumstances, even the most beautiful and accomplished woman would not arouse him.

Homowives have started to get organized in an effort to help themselves and help others. They have started a website and a helpline to assist fellow women who have fallen into the same predicament.

Their highest priority is to prevent women from marrying homosexuals, help those who suspect the sexual orientation of their boyfriends to analyse their situation better; and in the event that the other party is a confirmed homosexual, to persuade the woman not to proceed with the marriage.

Secondly, they would like to extend a helping hand to those women who are already married to homosexuals and who would like a divorce. This includes helping them to make up their minds, relieving the pressure on them and reduce the financial and psychological damage that comes with divorce.

Thirdly, they would like to address the problems of homowives who do not want a divorce for a variety of reasons. This would include helping them to analyse the cost of keeping such a marriage going, how to communicate with their husbands and how to get along with their children.

They proposed a slogan: “Homowife ends with me”. This slogan is full of hurt and also extends concern to those who may follow in their footsteps. The slogan gives one a feeling that it is a noble cause.

I hope the majority of male homosexuals do not enter into heterosexual marriages any more and spare a thought for the feelings of the homowife.

Life, friendships and July

Nyk was getting a bit wistful yesterday about friends lost and made. I suppose that is a fact of life that we have to accept - that friends come in and out of our lives all the time.

In different stages of life we would have different interests and activities and understandably, the people that we acquaint with would be different. Over time, we would have grown and move in divergent directions; we would have moved on to newer and other more exciting stuff.

But of course, this is not always the case. There would be that select few who would be with us for a very long time. Who would see us through the different stages in life and our ups and downs. Those that might even know us better than we know ourselves.

Even in this age of communications technology, its availability doesn't mean that it would be meaningfully utilised to keep in touch. The tools are all there and precisely because of that it is taken for granted. Everyone is just an email, phone call or text message away but sometimes we forget or are too lazy to use them.

There would also be others who would appear intermittently in our lives. They come in and out of lives. They reappear a few or many years later. But somehow we could still reconnect with them; there is still that bond of friendship. It’s like they have taken a break and came back from it.

I understand how he feels. I had that feeling a long time ago. Come to think of it, there are not many people whom I meet often. It is always the same group of people. They are the important people in my lives right now.

They may or may not be in the future but I guess the most important thing now is to treasure the friendship and not let it deteriorate.

Work and family takes up most of his time. Especially his mom. She has her mood swings and her mood significantly affects Nyk's mood.

Things are not balanced. One need to spend time with other groups of people too. The bonds of friendship can nurture and invigorate.

Perhaps all these negative energy points to something deeper. There could be something lying beneath it. Possibly feeling stuck in the rut? Midlife crisis which arrived much earlier?

Or maybe it is something as simple as the blues. Everyone gets it sometimes. Even I do. But this time it seems longer than usual.

There is only so much I can do cheer him up. Would like to just meet him now and make him feel better. I do feel powerless as I am not beside him now. This is one downside of long distance relationship which infuriates.

Hope you feel better soon dear. He is coming down in early July, so I am thinking I might have my work cut out for me if he is still not alright.

But of course, the sooner the clouds lift the better.

Community service

My company has this annual community service thing whereby staff volunteer to spend a day or more contributing back to the community. I signed up for it last month and it happened on Friday.

The expected activities were cleaning, repairing, painting, that kinda stuff. Luckily for me, there wasn't painting involved. I know painting could be fun but really, I don't like the mess produced. And painting is less fun when you have to do a decent job of it. It is another person's house after all.

The beneficiary of these activities are underprivileged kids, defined as not doing so well in school and who come from a broken or troubled family. Mine was a 11 year old girl with a single parent. She has two older brothers. We were supposed to help make their home more conducive for studying.

Anyway out job was to help clear her stuff. They live in a one bedroom HDB. Living space is already pretty cramped but it was made worse by the countless and endless boxes of stuff stacked high from wall to ceiling. They must have at least 50 boxes of stuff.

The mom had at least 5 boxes of clothing, some of which were new but never worn before. She also had at least two dozen bags and handbags wrapped in plastic. There were more than a few sets of plates, cups, saucers and other kitchenware. She had a box full of perfume for an unknown number of years.

How she got those stuff? From years of collecting and keeping the things she received from relatives, friends, neighbours. Or even good and usable stuff which she picked up from wherever.

There we were, 10 adults helping her sort through her mess for 5 hours. We had to convince her to part with her belongings. We told her all the usable equipmend would be donated to the Salvation Army. We then had to separate the things that she wants to keep from those to be discarded.

All in all, I think we managed to achieve our target. We removed at least half of her stuff and rearrange the living room. Boxes were stacked nicely and there was more floor space. We donated a study desk and computer table to them.

There were a lot of moving and carrying of boxes and bags. We had to carry the items onto a lorry which shipped them to the Salvation Army in Bishan.

In the end, the mom was visibly happy and thankful for our help. Apparently, she had tried to clean up on her own but it wasn't as productive. That was understandable as she would certainly be hesitant to discard the stuff that she had painstakingly accumulated over the years.

She thanked us profusely for making her home more spacious and cleared up the clutter.

As for me, this wasn't what I expected when I signed up for it. Clearing up stuff didn't seem to be much of a service, but judging by their gratitude, we seemed to have contributed something meaningful into their lives.

It is not much but our little service made a difference.

Male penguins raise adopted chick

Interesting news from around the world. Taken from the BBC.

Two "gay" male penguins have hatched a chick and are now rearing it as its adoptive parents, says a German zoo.

The zoo, in Bremerhaven, northern Germany, says the adult males - Z and Vielpunkt - were given an egg which was rejected by its biological parents.

It says the couple are now happily rearing the chick, said to have reached four weeks old.

The zoo made headlines in 2005 over plans to "test" the sexual orientation of penguins with homosexual traits.

Three pairs of male penguins had been seen attempting to mate with each other and trying to hatch offspring from stones.

The zoo flew in four females in a bid to get the endangered birds to reproduce - but quickly abandoned the scheme after causing outrage among gay rights activists, who accused it of interfering in the animals' behaviour.

The six "gay" penguins remain at the zoo, among them Z and Vielpunkt who are now rearing the chick together after being given the rejected egg.

"Z and Vielpunkt, both males, gladly accepted their 'Easter gift' and got straight down to raising it," said a zoo statement.

"Since the chick arrived, they have been behaving just as you would expect a heterosexual couple to do. The two happy fathers spend their days attentively protecting, caring for and feeding their adopted offspring."

Humboldt penguins are normally found in coastal Peru and Chile, but their numbers have been dwindling due to overfishing, reports the AFP news agency.

'Drive to mate'

There have been previous reports of exclusive male-to-male pairings among penguins, some of which have also included the rearing of chicks.

Homosexual behaviour is well documented in many different animals, but it is not understood in detail, says Professor Stuart West, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Oxford.

Professor West says it has been suggested that homosexual activity could serve various purposes - for instance, it may relate to social bonding and establishment of dominance among bonobo chimps, while in some bird species, females may come together to rear young.

Other animals may simply exhibit a "drive to mate", while others may, like humans, enjoy non-procreative sexual activity.

"Homosexuality is nothing unusual among animals," Bremerhaven zoo said on Wednesday.

"Sex and coupling up in our world do not necessarily have anything to do with reproduction."

Terminator Salvation

I managed to catch Terminator Salvation on Sunday. It was better than I expected. The action scenes were great and exciting. Haven't felt this kind of adrenalin rush from a movie for quite some time.

You don't really have to know much about the earlier Terminator movies to follow the story. I would highly recommended it.

The next movie which I really want to watch is Up, Pixar's movie for this year. It's the highest rated movie I have come across on IMDB. Nine out of ten stars.

A logical voice

It's amazing that even after the AWARE EGM on 2nd May, the issue still hasn't died completely. I suppose the Christian fundamentalists really stirred up a hornet's nest when they decided to steeplejack AWARE.

I can't remember who said it, but he said something about he didn't speak up when groups of people were taken away, in the end there is no one left to speak for you when it is your turn.

And if this source is to be believed, the mother-daughter team is deeply involved in a very fundamentalist organisations based in the U.S. I would think that this warrants a more detailed look than Siew Kum Hoong - Swiss connection.

A Reply to Letter by Dr Thio Su Mien dated 18th May 2009, taken from the author's Facebook.

Dear Sir,
It is with amazement that I read Dr Thio Su Miens letter "Gay activists a key constituency of Aware", published on the 18th of May 2009. As a responsible heterosexual member of the public, I feel that it is my duty to respond to her diatribe.

I find the fact that Dr Thio believes that Aware are pushing a pro-homosexual agenda terribly disturbing. To my knowledge, the homosexual lobby in Singapore have never had any political agenda, focusing instead on their right to acceptance in society for who they are, and as noted in the recent 'Pink Dot' gathering, on their right to select their own partners. It is a matter of deep concern that so distinguished a member of our society should display such intolerance towards the sexual inclinations of others. As a law student myself, I find it equally disturbing that a former dean of our law faculty, who must in her time have taught many of our current lawyers to critically appraise what they are told as facts of evidence, should now hold such bigoted and inflexible views herself.

Also, it is deeply disconcerting to note that Dr Thio believes that homosexuality be viewed as negative in the education system. The fact that Aware took a neutral stance when dealing with the issue, is highly laudable. It is with great pride that I say that as a Singaporean, one of the key social values I was taught during my school days was that of acceptance. Education is not about skimming over what some might deem as unpleasant fact, but about giving youth information and the power to make informed decisions over the course of their lives.

I do not understand how the CSE manual's description of anal sex, conditions the minds of teenage students towards acceptance of homosexuality when this is also practised by heterosexuals in the privacy of their own homes. Is Dr Thio oblivious to this fact? To immediately equate the two with one another is a direct admission of an agenda against the homosexually inclined.

The old guard received the vociferous support they did not because it was among their aims to promote a homosexual agenda, but merely because they accepted that certain people were inclined differently. As a 'discerning Singaporean' who has also examined the evidence in print and online accounts, I have come to the conclusion that the purpose of the 'ex-new exco' was to attack a group of people whose sole intention lay in obtaining acceptance of their status as people and not as societal non-grata. If we were to accept her argument that the old guard had a homosexual agenda, then we must also accept that Dr Thio and the group she claimed to have mentored, had an agenda based solely on their religious beliefs. This is eminently borne out by their pastors statement on the pulpit calling on his congregation to support the 'ex-new exco'.

I have always been under the impression that all religions were inclusive, and not exclusive, of human frailties. Given the plural nature of Singapore's society, it is unthinkable that a group consisting of people from a single racial background pushing a single religious agenda, represent the views of our racially diverse and secular populace. We have always been an accepting and tolerant society. The outcome of the whole 'Aware Saga' fills me with hope that we will remain so.

Akesh Abhilash

Leftward or upward?

I was at Borders yesterday and saw this book called Bonk.

Looks interesting and I flipped through the pages. An interesting paragraph on the the erect penis caught my eye.

According to a Taiwanese doctor who specialises in penile implants, when the penis is erect the most common direction is to the left. This was followed by downwards, left and finally upwards. Sort of like anti-clockwise.

Indeed, this is a startling observation for me. It basically contradicts what I have observed.

From my limited *ahem* experience and the porn that I watched, I have the impression that facing north is the most common one. Thus far, I have only seen one that points left and the rest all point upward.

Anyone else care to share their empirical observations? ;p

The power of words and fear

It is very difficult to change one's mind if you have already decided beforehand that you are right and gay people are sinful and plain wrong. You will disregard all facts that are contrary to your view.

In addition, it's not enough that you think that you are right, you want the society at large to have the same thoughts and opinions as you. The weapon of choice: fear. Stoke fear that the children are being taught about homosexuality; that anal sex is a neutral word.

Those poor innocent children! Everything and anything must be done to protect them! If not, they will turn out gay!

Obviously, that presupposes that homosexuality is spread by the word of mouth. Like how you convert people other people into your way of thinking. If only it was so.

They who have use the power of words to gather support and spread paranoia are of course wary of it. But hardened minds who think that homosexuality is a choice fail to understand that it is not. Hearing and repeating the word gay doesn't make one turn gay.

Just like how if I say the word heterosexual one thousand times make me want to place my privates into a woman's down under.

But of course you want to admit that you are wrong and irrational would be a great humiliation. Never mind logic, the book says homosexuality is wrong means it is wrong. Never mind that the cold hard evidence shows otherwise.

Because when one start doubting, the whole system of belief begins to crack. The stand on homosexuality is one small part of the belief but ultimately it still is part of it. Admitting a mistake is tantamount to doubting the whole belief, which has taken years to develop and solidify in the cerebral cortex. It would crumble their confidence as no one willingly admits they are wrong.

It is just incomprehensible that someone who is smart enough to be a doctor or a lawyer could be wrong.

But didn't someone say to err is human. Oh wait, that wasn't in the book so it must be not true. So they could not be wrong.

I can understand that they have worked hard to get up on that high moral horse of theirs, surely they are very afraid to fall from it.

That is why when they are afraid of science. Science questions everything. Ideas and hypotheses are always being tested by other scientists. You said this is true, let me try to replicate it. There is a check and balance. You said this is possible, then please show it to me.

But who checks what they do? Who do they answer to when they spread fear and tell lies?

Nobody. They can get away with it because they believe that sitting on a horse gives them the right.

And they are unhappy when the people around them throw horseshit to their faces.

Ramblings, sunny hot weather

The common topic of complaint/whining for the past two weeks was the weather. I was already sweating the moment I stepped out from the shower and into my room.

Nothing much has happened over the past three weeks since I came back from KL. It was basically more work and work. Though I did manage to finish this gay novel called When You Don't See Me. It was quite good but the ending was a bit flat.

Though I quite enjoyed it, I didn't think that it was gay enough. It was mostly about Nick, a 19 year-old living in Manhattan who lost a loved from September 11. He dropped out of art school because he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. Very real people with real problems. Probably I was expecting more drama and excitement; I don't know.

I am now reading a book on cognitive dissonance. It is an interesting aspect of human behaviour whereby we always justify one idea when two opposing ideas exist. It shows that we are more governed by emotions than logic when it happens. An obvious example would be George W Bush continuing with mobilisation of more US troops to Iraq even when it was obvious that there was no WMD.

Meanwhile, the AWARE saga over here has me really riled up when I read the news about the new guard. An example of my own cognitive dissonance.

On a side note, I haven't been watching many movies recently and there are quite a few great movies now like Revolutionary Road and Taken.

There is a long weekend coming up and I really forward to it.

Handsome suit

There is a happiness which you can never have unless you're being yourself - taken from the movie Handsome Suit.

That movie was more enjoyable than I had expected. It was a friend who organised the movie outing. If it was me, I wouldn't have chosen it.

Basically it was like a Japanese version of 300 Pound Beauty, only that the protoganist is a guy instead of a girl. How an ugly guy was given the chance to try out on a suit (which looked like the Michelin Man) that could transform him into a slim and gorgeous looking guy who is popular with the ladies everywhere he goes and eventually become the hottest male model in Japan.

When Takura had to finally decide between choosing between his original self who is a great cook, loving and always cheerful and Anni, the model superstar who could have the greatest happiness surrounded by adoring fans, the audience could really sympathize with him. Being ugly means he has to put up with people making fun of him, discrimination and sometimes subjected to downright cruel treatment from the rest of society.

The truth is that sometimes beautiful people do get away with things. They seemed to live better lives. But Takuro realized that being treated nicely by people he doesn't know or adored by fans is not what makes him happy. It was his customers' satisfied smile, his friends' jokes and his assistant's infectious joy; all the little happiness in his life which he truly treasures.

It's a little reminder to wake up, look carefully and smell the roses.

Overall, a good movie with a timeless message packed with humour and comic situations. Go catch it!