Something useful I found on a gay forum. He takes a long time to say it, but basically he's saying that we have to pay the price of admission to have a relationship. And the price of admission is his or her flaws.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Different approaches to deal breakers
Love has found its way into two persons I know. I am happy for both of them. One has been searching for some time now and the other is his first ever relationship.
Speaking of the former, she has a very different view on starting a relationship from mine. To me, the getting to know each other and dating stage is the most fun and exciting. Everything is new and fresh. We learn about each other slowly, probably starting from 20% on the first meet and progressing to a higher level of intimacy.
But after two failed relationships, she prefers to go straight to the point. No more starting from zero and progressing from there. It starts from 70% (the most embarrassing details / weakest character / most annoying traits) are shared right at the beginning. Then only they move on to the smaller details.
I was quite shocked that she would do that. But then I remember it is not that much different from those who prefer to have sex first, found out that wow sex was great, then only consider the other person for dating as steps 1-2-3. To some people, sex is the most important thing and that condition has to be satisfied first before moving on to other things.
So to start with the thing that is the deal breaker first is very practical. No point going further ahead who knows how long, possibly weeks and months ahead to find out that the deal breaker really breaks the relationship.
But to me, where is the fun in that? I know that the dating process could be long, it could get tiring if it doesn't work out and we have to start all over again.
There will always be people who don't make the cut for us but they could be perfect to someone else. Different people value different things. It may take twenty wrong guys before the right one is found, but that should not stop us from trying.
Maybe I am just a true believer in love. That even though it may hurt and the search could be long, but I believe that ultimately it is worth it.
I still remember when I first started to meet people from online. I had to repeat the same things about myself over and over to different people. It did feel tedious and pointless sometimes, but I liked the feeling of getting to know more about other people's lives, their likes and dislikes, personalities etc.
It is the journey that matters, not the destination. It is cliche and very Buddhist, but that is how I see it.
It is like shopping. The more you want something, the higher the anticipation. You talk about it, you dream about it, you crave for it very much. It is all part of the journey.
But once you buy the desired item, the feeling changes. You got it and the feeling of satisfaction can only last so long, probably a month at the most.
Of course I am not saying that things go downhill from there. I just feel that it is best to take things as they come; to go with the flow.
Still, to each his or her own. As long as it works. Thus, I sincerely wish both of my friends the best of luck and lots of happiness.
Speaking of the former, she has a very different view on starting a relationship from mine. To me, the getting to know each other and dating stage is the most fun and exciting. Everything is new and fresh. We learn about each other slowly, probably starting from 20% on the first meet and progressing to a higher level of intimacy.
But after two failed relationships, she prefers to go straight to the point. No more starting from zero and progressing from there. It starts from 70% (the most embarrassing details / weakest character / most annoying traits) are shared right at the beginning. Then only they move on to the smaller details.
I was quite shocked that she would do that. But then I remember it is not that much different from those who prefer to have sex first, found out that wow sex was great, then only consider the other person for dating as steps 1-2-3. To some people, sex is the most important thing and that condition has to be satisfied first before moving on to other things.
So to start with the thing that is the deal breaker first is very practical. No point going further ahead who knows how long, possibly weeks and months ahead to find out that the deal breaker really breaks the relationship.
But to me, where is the fun in that? I know that the dating process could be long, it could get tiring if it doesn't work out and we have to start all over again.
There will always be people who don't make the cut for us but they could be perfect to someone else. Different people value different things. It may take twenty wrong guys before the right one is found, but that should not stop us from trying.
Maybe I am just a true believer in love. That even though it may hurt and the search could be long, but I believe that ultimately it is worth it.
I still remember when I first started to meet people from online. I had to repeat the same things about myself over and over to different people. It did feel tedious and pointless sometimes, but I liked the feeling of getting to know more about other people's lives, their likes and dislikes, personalities etc.
It is the journey that matters, not the destination. It is cliche and very Buddhist, but that is how I see it.
It is like shopping. The more you want something, the higher the anticipation. You talk about it, you dream about it, you crave for it very much. It is all part of the journey.
But once you buy the desired item, the feeling changes. You got it and the feeling of satisfaction can only last so long, probably a month at the most.
Of course I am not saying that things go downhill from there. I just feel that it is best to take things as they come; to go with the flow.
Still, to each his or her own. As long as it works. Thus, I sincerely wish both of my friends the best of luck and lots of happiness.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Sweat the small stuff
Relationships are hard work. Two people, with all their imperfections trying to create something fulfilling, meaningful and mutually beneficial.
No relationship is without its arguments and disagreements. It is how it is solved that matters.
Experts always warn about issues like money, children, chores and other differences in expectations of major issues as main conflict points. But sometimes and possibly quite often too, it is the small things. Little things that no one expect to be an issue become one.
There must exist the commitment to overcome them. That the relationship is more important than issues. Give and take has to occur. Patience, buckets of them, are needed.
Ultimately, communication is key. Problems cannot be solved by keeping quiet. Issues will not go away just because it is not spoken.
For me, I am glad that my relationship has been going well despite some hiccups. There are things which I do not like and do not understand, but I do or not do them because Nyk is happier that way. And he does the same.
Because of that, our relationship continues to grow and strengthen.
No relationship is without its arguments and disagreements. It is how it is solved that matters.
Experts always warn about issues like money, children, chores and other differences in expectations of major issues as main conflict points. But sometimes and possibly quite often too, it is the small things. Little things that no one expect to be an issue become one.
There must exist the commitment to overcome them. That the relationship is more important than issues. Give and take has to occur. Patience, buckets of them, are needed.
Ultimately, communication is key. Problems cannot be solved by keeping quiet. Issues will not go away just because it is not spoken.
For me, I am glad that my relationship has been going well despite some hiccups. There are things which I do not like and do not understand, but I do or not do them because Nyk is happier that way. And he does the same.
Because of that, our relationship continues to grow and strengthen.
Monday, January 19, 2009
When it's time, it's time
I just learned a new phrase this weekend. Serial monogamy. It was mentioned by Nick and coincidentally it was also mentioned on Trevvy in their recent editorial feature.
Basically, serial monogamy is going from a relationship to another, whenever the current one becomes unfulfilling or unsalvageable. To me, it seems an intermediate stage between a one night stand and a relationship. It is longer than a fling but shorter than a long term relationship.
One goes into a relationship not expecting to be long term and hence when it really does end, it would be relatively easier. One enjoys the stability of a relationship which comes in the form of emotional support and physical needs. There are dates and movies and gathering with each other’s friends. It does seem like a perfectly healthy relationship.
There is a sense of familiarity but at the back of the mind, you realize that it would end one day.
I suppose this is really taking the 7 habits literally, begin with the end in mind.
To quote from Trevvy, where the author in turn quoted from Before Sunrise:
the ideal relationship was two intense years, with clean breaks, fresh starts, friends for life, something like that. It's like if you knew your relationship had to end in two years, there would be no room for fighting or wasted time. There could be more love and appreciation for one another. ... If everyone you met you knew was going to die at midnight, you would be a much more compassionate person.
Perhaps it is that relationships work best if we don't drag them on unnecessarily; if we step into them with the primary objective of getting the most out of it, emotionally, spiritually, in whichever ways, even if that means letting the relationship be short-lived. Too often we're more preoccupied with how far and long the relationship will go instead of making every second of it worthwhile and letting things run their natural course.
Indeed, if the relationship couldn’t be salvaged then really it is time to move on. No point wasting each other's time. But I do believe that breaking up should be the last option, not the first. All effort to save the relationship should be tried before finally waving the white flag.
The main thing is that you have given whatever you can into the relationship to make it work. This is totally different from dating someone and dumping him when someone better comes along.
Ultimately, I think what the author is trying to say that relationships have its own expiry date too, be it a break-up or death. Nothing is permanent; treasure every moment together and a break up could be the best, no matter how difficult, thing to do.
Basically, serial monogamy is going from a relationship to another, whenever the current one becomes unfulfilling or unsalvageable. To me, it seems an intermediate stage between a one night stand and a relationship. It is longer than a fling but shorter than a long term relationship.
One goes into a relationship not expecting to be long term and hence when it really does end, it would be relatively easier. One enjoys the stability of a relationship which comes in the form of emotional support and physical needs. There are dates and movies and gathering with each other’s friends. It does seem like a perfectly healthy relationship.
There is a sense of familiarity but at the back of the mind, you realize that it would end one day.
I suppose this is really taking the 7 habits literally, begin with the end in mind.
To quote from Trevvy, where the author in turn quoted from Before Sunrise:
the ideal relationship was two intense years, with clean breaks, fresh starts, friends for life, something like that. It's like if you knew your relationship had to end in two years, there would be no room for fighting or wasted time. There could be more love and appreciation for one another. ... If everyone you met you knew was going to die at midnight, you would be a much more compassionate person.
Perhaps it is that relationships work best if we don't drag them on unnecessarily; if we step into them with the primary objective of getting the most out of it, emotionally, spiritually, in whichever ways, even if that means letting the relationship be short-lived. Too often we're more preoccupied with how far and long the relationship will go instead of making every second of it worthwhile and letting things run their natural course.
Indeed, if the relationship couldn’t be salvaged then really it is time to move on. No point wasting each other's time. But I do believe that breaking up should be the last option, not the first. All effort to save the relationship should be tried before finally waving the white flag.
The main thing is that you have given whatever you can into the relationship to make it work. This is totally different from dating someone and dumping him when someone better comes along.
Ultimately, I think what the author is trying to say that relationships have its own expiry date too, be it a break-up or death. Nothing is permanent; treasure every moment together and a break up could be the best, no matter how difficult, thing to do.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Most cherished person
Last week, my colleague was pouring her complaints out about her husband. How he demands that she cooks, cleans, irons and does all the chores while he does not lift a finger. How his wishes and needs supersedes hers.
I could understand where she is coming from. The MCP (Male Chauvinist Pig) strikes again.
I blurted, yeah straight men and rolled my eyes.
Then she retorted and said, "What? Who knows, you might be an MCP too to your darling."
Now, as modest as I am (ahem!), I know that I am not an MCP. I treat Nyk well. Yes, there are disagreements and hurtful words spoken, but it is and will be never my intention to hurt his feelings. And he knows that too.
In fact, I do my best to make him feel loved, appreciated and taken care of.
Coincidentally, just a few days ago, he was upset because he thought I was pressuring him to spend time with me. This was actually not what I meant. I had wanted him to take a couple of days off, but he is not sure of his work schedule yet.
Of course, I understand his predicament and said well, it's fine. But if possible, do take leave so that we could spend time together.
My sweet dear felt pressured because he thought too much. On one hand he badly wants to spend time with me and on the other, there are other factors involved. He felt as if he was being pulled in different directions.
For that, I apologised to him. I really do understand his situation.
If I am an MCP, let me be the most cherished person instead.
Remember that you are never pressured to do anything, OK?
I could understand where she is coming from. The MCP (Male Chauvinist Pig) strikes again.
I blurted, yeah straight men and rolled my eyes.
Then she retorted and said, "What? Who knows, you might be an MCP too to your darling."
Now, as modest as I am (ahem!), I know that I am not an MCP. I treat Nyk well. Yes, there are disagreements and hurtful words spoken, but it is and will be never my intention to hurt his feelings. And he knows that too.
In fact, I do my best to make him feel loved, appreciated and taken care of.
Coincidentally, just a few days ago, he was upset because he thought I was pressuring him to spend time with me. This was actually not what I meant. I had wanted him to take a couple of days off, but he is not sure of his work schedule yet.
Of course, I understand his predicament and said well, it's fine. But if possible, do take leave so that we could spend time together.
My sweet dear felt pressured because he thought too much. On one hand he badly wants to spend time with me and on the other, there are other factors involved. He felt as if he was being pulled in different directions.
For that, I apologised to him. I really do understand his situation.
If I am an MCP, let me be the most cherished person instead.
Remember that you are never pressured to do anything, OK?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
My week with Nyk
We reached back in KL last Tuesday evening on a 30-minute delayed flight. Nyk and I had dinner together at a coffee shop near his house and all too soon, it was time to say goodbye.
It was our first trip together and it was memorable. We took many photographs together or in the words of Ritsuka from the anime Loveless, "create memories". I get to see him for 24 hours a day, with him beside me all day long, seeing him smile and cheery, never a dull moment.
The main reason probably is due to our distance and hence our time together is still exciting and treasured.
I got to see him on Wednesday night and on Friday for lunch karaoke. It was another first with him and we kicked off our duet with If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross. Not really a love song but it was a song we are both familiar with as it is always sung in leadership camps.
He went back to work and I watched Hellboy II. I have been a fan of Guillermo del Toro's work since Pan's Labyrinth. And I was not disappointed as Hellboy was a visual feast of weird and fantastical creatures.
After work, we went to this restaurant called DainTi Hill. It serves Japanese and Chinese dishes. We ordered pork, frog's legs, chicken, dragon roll sushi etc. Food was quite good and it was a good choice of eatery by Nyk.
On Saturday, SK, Nyk and I met up again for one last time. I needed a haircut and he brought me to his hairstylist for a quick snip snip. We headed back to my house as we were too tired to go anywhere else.
Surprisingly, my mum never mentioned anything about Nyk during and after his visit. She did seem to take a liking for SK though LOL
Nyk and SK were invited for dinner but they declined.
I headed back to Singapore on Sunday. After a week long break, it was finally back to work on Monday.
A very relaxing week away from work and more importantly, with my dearest. I came back refreshed, recharged and rejuvenated.
Looking forward to our next trip in November.
It was our first trip together and it was memorable. We took many photographs together or in the words of Ritsuka from the anime Loveless, "create memories". I get to see him for 24 hours a day, with him beside me all day long, seeing him smile and cheery, never a dull moment.
The main reason probably is due to our distance and hence our time together is still exciting and treasured.
I got to see him on Wednesday night and on Friday for lunch karaoke. It was another first with him and we kicked off our duet with If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross. Not really a love song but it was a song we are both familiar with as it is always sung in leadership camps.
He went back to work and I watched Hellboy II. I have been a fan of Guillermo del Toro's work since Pan's Labyrinth. And I was not disappointed as Hellboy was a visual feast of weird and fantastical creatures.
After work, we went to this restaurant called DainTi Hill. It serves Japanese and Chinese dishes. We ordered pork, frog's legs, chicken, dragon roll sushi etc. Food was quite good and it was a good choice of eatery by Nyk.
On Saturday, SK, Nyk and I met up again for one last time. I needed a haircut and he brought me to his hairstylist for a quick snip snip. We headed back to my house as we were too tired to go anywhere else.
Surprisingly, my mum never mentioned anything about Nyk during and after his visit. She did seem to take a liking for SK though LOL
Nyk and SK were invited for dinner but they declined.
I headed back to Singapore on Sunday. After a week long break, it was finally back to work on Monday.
A very relaxing week away from work and more importantly, with my dearest. I came back refreshed, recharged and rejuvenated.
Looking forward to our next trip in November.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Our first Valentines Day celebration
It was our first Valentine spent together last Thursday, even though we have been together for a year.
We didn't have any ideas what to do or where to go. Fortunately, my ahem! quick thinking saved the day, as I proposed we go to KL Tower.
I have never been there and coincidentally, neither has Nyk.
So Nyk took the afternoon off and we headed towards KL Tower. From what I know, the nearest monorail stop is Bukit Nanas. I remembered reading it somewhere. Even Nyk thought that it was that stop.
When we alighted, we saw a sign which pointed to the direction KL Tower and we followed that.
Walk, walk, walk, we didn't seem to be getting any nearer to our destination. Then we saw another sign.
So we walked some more.
Still no sign of it.
We decided to hail a cab. The cab driver was kind enough to tell us that it's actually just 100 meters down the road.
Finally we saw the huge signboard which says KL Tower, which is NOT anywhere near Bukit Nanas monorail, but instead nearer to Jalan Raja Chulan.
That's a lesson in Malaysian signage for everyone.
Climbing up took us about 10 minutes. Nyk was, by then, sweaty and hot and not in a very good mood. I managed to cheer him up though.
So we spent about an hour and a half there, taking in the view. I was surprised to see quite a number of tourists there, as I was expecting it to be not a very popular tourist spot. We also saw three secondary school gays guys and a lesbian couple.
After that, we had ice cream and sat down for a drink at Coffee Bean.
Dinner was at Heaven Fusion, where we were joined by SK and David. The portions were quite small, so we ordered 5 main course. We ended our meals with their signature dessert.
We cuddled and kissed in the car, as I would be going back to Singapore on Friday, one day earlier than originally planned. The times we had seemed too short, too insufficient, too fleeting.
Miss you lots my dear.
We didn't have any ideas what to do or where to go. Fortunately, my ahem! quick thinking saved the day, as I proposed we go to KL Tower.
I have never been there and coincidentally, neither has Nyk.
So Nyk took the afternoon off and we headed towards KL Tower. From what I know, the nearest monorail stop is Bukit Nanas. I remembered reading it somewhere. Even Nyk thought that it was that stop.
When we alighted, we saw a sign which pointed to the direction KL Tower and we followed that.
Walk, walk, walk, we didn't seem to be getting any nearer to our destination. Then we saw another sign.
So we walked some more.
Still no sign of it.
We decided to hail a cab. The cab driver was kind enough to tell us that it's actually just 100 meters down the road.
Finally we saw the huge signboard which says KL Tower, which is NOT anywhere near Bukit Nanas monorail, but instead nearer to Jalan Raja Chulan.
That's a lesson in Malaysian signage for everyone.
Climbing up took us about 10 minutes. Nyk was, by then, sweaty and hot and not in a very good mood. I managed to cheer him up though.
So we spent about an hour and a half there, taking in the view. I was surprised to see quite a number of tourists there, as I was expecting it to be not a very popular tourist spot. We also saw three secondary school gays guys and a lesbian couple.
After that, we had ice cream and sat down for a drink at Coffee Bean.
Dinner was at Heaven Fusion, where we were joined by SK and David. The portions were quite small, so we ordered 5 main course. We ended our meals with their signature dessert.
We cuddled and kissed in the car, as I would be going back to Singapore on Friday, one day earlier than originally planned. The times we had seemed too short, too insufficient, too fleeting.
Miss you lots my dear.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
First anniversary
My first year anniversary with Nyk was three weeks ago, just a week before I was supposed to go back to KL. As such, I didn't think that it was necessary to get anything on the day itself, as I would be back in KL later.
Besides, I haven't figured out what to get him. Nyk is not the easiest person to buy gifts for (and I am not complaining dear, just stating a fact!). So I had an extra one week to get something.
At least that was what I thought.
Close to lunch time, I got a call from the receptionist in my office. She asked me to go over to her place.
When I got there, I was shocked to see this waiting for me:
It was two bears sitting on a wagon of flowers.
When I saw it, I beamed. The smile I had couldn't be wiped off, even if someone punched me ten times.
The card said:
You are my first,
Our first year together,
Your love I do thirst,
To be in your arms forever.
I was pleasantly surprised (my dear could write poems!). Also, I was totally caught unaware, but thankfully SK knew about it beforehand, so she acted on my behalf and got Nyk an aromatherapy burner and three stalks of flowers (tulips, I think).
Anyways, I was smiling the whole day. Though some of colleagues did not believe that the flowers were for me, as we had a female colleague who always receive flowers and they thought it was for her.
It was the first time someone has given me flowers. And they smelled quite nice.
It was also the first time I reached a full year with someone, which is a milestone for me.
There was a card also, hand-delivered by Jaded Jeremy, from Nyk of course. Thanks for helping out JJ! ;-)
Thanks again for the flowers dear! Looking forward to more anniversaries with you!
Besides, I haven't figured out what to get him. Nyk is not the easiest person to buy gifts for (and I am not complaining dear, just stating a fact!). So I had an extra one week to get something.
At least that was what I thought.
Close to lunch time, I got a call from the receptionist in my office. She asked me to go over to her place.
When I got there, I was shocked to see this waiting for me:
It was two bears sitting on a wagon of flowers.
When I saw it, I beamed. The smile I had couldn't be wiped off, even if someone punched me ten times.
The card said:
You are my first,
Our first year together,
Your love I do thirst,
To be in your arms forever.
I was pleasantly surprised (my dear could write poems!). Also, I was totally caught unaware, but thankfully SK knew about it beforehand, so she acted on my behalf and got Nyk an aromatherapy burner and three stalks of flowers (tulips, I think).
Anyways, I was smiling the whole day. Though some of colleagues did not believe that the flowers were for me, as we had a female colleague who always receive flowers and they thought it was for her.
It was the first time someone has given me flowers. And they smelled quite nice.
It was also the first time I reached a full year with someone, which is a milestone for me.
There was a card also, hand-delivered by Jaded Jeremy, from Nyk of course. Thanks for helping out JJ! ;-)
Thanks again for the flowers dear! Looking forward to more anniversaries with you!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Hundred days later
After the previous super duper long post which took me more than 2 hours to write, I thought a one week break would be nice ;P
Nyk is still quite new to the gay scene. As in, he only started meeting similarly inclined people less than half a year ago. Before that, there was the usual issues of coming to terms with it, bla bla bla.
And guess what? Within this short time, he is already out to his family. I am really impressed with his courage. I am proud of what he has done.
For me, it took me three years after I met people from online.
However, coming out is not without its consequences. The usual gamut of "This is sinful", "You must try to change", "This won't do you any good" and "This won't have a happy ending".
Still, I am here for him. It is heart wrenching that I am 300 kilometers away when he needs me most.
His voice has a tinge of pain, of need and support.
Needless to say, I would love to be with him now. I really really want to. But work and schedule don't permit.
And he understands. He knows I am trying my best to offer love and support in whatever way possible, that can span the distance between us.
He is a brave soldier, oh yes he is.
And I shall march beside you.
The day after I came back, my mood wasn't really good. How could I, with what happened?
I have this colleague TY who has this close friend who is gay. This guy has been dating someone for 5 years. The boyfriend has similar problems after the family knew he is gay.
Thus when TY asked how was my trip back to KL, I said my friend had a problem. A huge one. A problem similar to her friend's boyfriend problem.
She said OK.
I asked, "Do you know what I am saying? The meaning behind it?"
"I think so."
And I proceeded to tell her about it.
Which now means that I am out to her. The only one that I am out to in the office.
Last but not least, Tuesday was our 100th day together. Out of those 100, I think we spent only about 15 days together.
On that day, I was wearing thecock silver ring he gave me, I put on the EDT he gave me for my birthday and a pair of sexy undies which is also from him.
As a gift, I bought him a book by Neil Gaiman which I knew he wanted.
It has been a great first 100 days. May there be hundreds more of 100 days ;P
*************************************
Nyk is still quite new to the gay scene. As in, he only started meeting similarly inclined people less than half a year ago. Before that, there was the usual issues of coming to terms with it, bla bla bla.
And guess what? Within this short time, he is already out to his family. I am really impressed with his courage. I am proud of what he has done.
For me, it took me three years after I met people from online.
However, coming out is not without its consequences. The usual gamut of "This is sinful", "You must try to change", "This won't do you any good" and "This won't have a happy ending".
Still, I am here for him. It is heart wrenching that I am 300 kilometers away when he needs me most.
His voice has a tinge of pain, of need and support.
Needless to say, I would love to be with him now. I really really want to. But work and schedule don't permit.
And he understands. He knows I am trying my best to offer love and support in whatever way possible, that can span the distance between us.
He is a brave soldier, oh yes he is.
And I shall march beside you.
*************************************
The day after I came back, my mood wasn't really good. How could I, with what happened?
I have this colleague TY who has this close friend who is gay. This guy has been dating someone for 5 years. The boyfriend has similar problems after the family knew he is gay.
Thus when TY asked how was my trip back to KL, I said my friend had a problem. A huge one. A problem similar to her friend's boyfriend problem.
She said OK.
I asked, "Do you know what I am saying? The meaning behind it?"
"I think so."
And I proceeded to tell her about it.
Which now means that I am out to her. The only one that I am out to in the office.
*************************************
Last but not least, Tuesday was our 100th day together. Out of those 100, I think we spent only about 15 days together.
On that day, I was wearing the
As a gift, I bought him a book by Neil Gaiman which I knew he wanted.
It has been a great first 100 days. May there be hundreds more of 100 days ;P
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Love withers
I believe that feelings and love don’t change overnight. They change gradually, sometimes even without anyone realizing. If it was not discovered and brought into the open for discussion, it will fester and reach its breaking point and it would then be the end of a relationship.
The aftermath of a broken relationship isn’t usually nice, especially when one person still likes the other. That explains why closures are important. Good closures usually necessitate more than one meet up.
I still remember mine two years back. I was half expecting it, as something happened earlier which hurt me a lot. We were at Coffee Bean and we talked. He told me his reasons, which at that time seemed reasonable. It made a lot of sense and I could see where he was coming from.
Surprisingly, I was calm. Even though I believe he was at fault and I was being dumped, I was amazingly composed. I was rationale and realized there was no point forcing it, forcing him to be in a relationship which he didn’t want to.
The next day, we met up again. Or specifically, I called him to come over. I wanted to be together again. I wanted him back.
But at the end of our meet, it was not to be. I was heartbroken but more importantly, the much-needed talk happened.
We talked. I cried. We hugged. We parted ways.
I tried to get over him over the following week also. I think it took me more than a week, but I finally found the strength to let go, to realize that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway if he truly didn’t have any feelings for me.
Breaking up is painful, but the way it is done can help soften the blow. The hurt and pain would still be there, but somehow if it is done in a manner which is out of concern for the other party, out of a desire to still be friends after that, out of a need to have proper closure.
Which is why, personally, I feel that breaking up over an SMS, email or other electronic media is, well, improper and inconsiderate.
The way I see it is that, if I were at the receiving end of an email which says “It’s over” followed by ten pages of reasons, I still don’t think it’s sufficient.
Firstly, doesn’t the other have the courtesy, not to mention guts, to tell one face-to-face but have to do it virtually?
Secondly, I feel that a real meet up conveys more meaning and sincerity. The non-verbal signs and the body language; all these adds up to making the break-up more amicable and less painful. It clears things up. There are things which only could be done in a physical meeting.
Even when two friends say goodbye, there is a handshake (for the prudes) or a hug. What more of a relationship which lasted for some period of time. A *hugs* sent electronically is different from a real hug.
In addition, there are always questions. How? Why? What? - these can only be answered properly in a face-to-face setting. Questions that need to be asked and answered so that both have a clear picture of what happened and the events that led to the ultimate unfortunate result.
Parting in a good way does not guarantee that the ex-couple would still be friends and be in touch, but it surely helps. Obviously, it's better to part on good terms and with fond memories rather than an abrupt goodbye or a huge argument where abuses were hurled.
Another thing which I believe is important is the timing of the break up. Definitely not after a session of sex and then one says “Things are not working out. Let’s break up.” Or near to or on that person’s birthday. Or during when the other is having exams.
To me birthdays are important. I don’t want to remember the day with something unpleasant. And I definitely don’t want anyone to experience it like I did, when my relationship ended three days before my birthday.
In the end, all break ups are painful. But if it was done with the intention of letting things go so that both parties experience as little pain as possible and with as much issues clarified, it makes the healing process smoother.
The aftermath of a broken relationship isn’t usually nice, especially when one person still likes the other. That explains why closures are important. Good closures usually necessitate more than one meet up.
I still remember mine two years back. I was half expecting it, as something happened earlier which hurt me a lot. We were at Coffee Bean and we talked. He told me his reasons, which at that time seemed reasonable. It made a lot of sense and I could see where he was coming from.
Surprisingly, I was calm. Even though I believe he was at fault and I was being dumped, I was amazingly composed. I was rationale and realized there was no point forcing it, forcing him to be in a relationship which he didn’t want to.
The next day, we met up again. Or specifically, I called him to come over. I wanted to be together again. I wanted him back.
But at the end of our meet, it was not to be. I was heartbroken but more importantly, the much-needed talk happened.
We talked. I cried. We hugged. We parted ways.
I tried to get over him over the following week also. I think it took me more than a week, but I finally found the strength to let go, to realize that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway if he truly didn’t have any feelings for me.
Breaking up is painful, but the way it is done can help soften the blow. The hurt and pain would still be there, but somehow if it is done in a manner which is out of concern for the other party, out of a desire to still be friends after that, out of a need to have proper closure.
Which is why, personally, I feel that breaking up over an SMS, email or other electronic media is, well, improper and inconsiderate.
The way I see it is that, if I were at the receiving end of an email which says “It’s over” followed by ten pages of reasons, I still don’t think it’s sufficient.
Firstly, doesn’t the other have the courtesy, not to mention guts, to tell one face-to-face but have to do it virtually?
Secondly, I feel that a real meet up conveys more meaning and sincerity. The non-verbal signs and the body language; all these adds up to making the break-up more amicable and less painful. It clears things up. There are things which only could be done in a physical meeting.
Even when two friends say goodbye, there is a handshake (for the prudes) or a hug. What more of a relationship which lasted for some period of time. A *hugs* sent electronically is different from a real hug.
In addition, there are always questions. How? Why? What? - these can only be answered properly in a face-to-face setting. Questions that need to be asked and answered so that both have a clear picture of what happened and the events that led to the ultimate unfortunate result.
Parting in a good way does not guarantee that the ex-couple would still be friends and be in touch, but it surely helps. Obviously, it's better to part on good terms and with fond memories rather than an abrupt goodbye or a huge argument where abuses were hurled.
Another thing which I believe is important is the timing of the break up. Definitely not after a session of sex and then one says “Things are not working out. Let’s break up.” Or near to or on that person’s birthday. Or during when the other is having exams.
To me birthdays are important. I don’t want to remember the day with something unpleasant. And I definitely don’t want anyone to experience it like I did, when my relationship ended three days before my birthday.
In the end, all break ups are painful. But if it was done with the intention of letting things go so that both parties experience as little pain as possible and with as much issues clarified, it makes the healing process smoother.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Boys Love
As much as we would like relationships to last, there are times when it is no longer possible to sustain it. Reasons range from lost of interest, another third party involved, not being able to see themselves together in the future, drifted apart, etc.
To me, all relationships are the same, gay or straight. Couples go through many obstacles, arguments, fights, silent treatments, the whole works. But for us gays, the challenges are more numerous and the obstacles are more difficult to overcome.
Which is why more gay relationships fail.
Can one openly bring the boyfriend home and introduce him to one's parents? Can one bring the boyfriend to the company's annual dinner? Can one declare one's love for another for everyone to know?
Of course, one can all do that. But how many actually can and do? You may pooh-pooh these as small and minor things, but the influence from parents, society and friends are significant.
As such, gay relationships take more work and effort. Gays don't have things planned out and then just go through the motions of life like the straights, where marriage is the way to go.
A straight couple who has been dating for 10 years is more likely to get married than to break up, even if there is not much passion left. To them, that's the natural course of action and it is more hassle to start all over with a new partner, especially if they are past the marrying age i.e. above 30.
In addition, if a straight couple breaks up, there are friends and family who would rush in to help mend things. They want to see them get back together and do whatever they can to salvage the relationship.
What happens when a gay relationship breaks up? More often than not, we only have our other gay friends to turn to. Guys are usually more practical and would say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I would be really surprised if the parents come on board to assist to mend things or friends chip in to help them get back together.
We seldom interfere, unless we really have to. Unlike the heteros who would cajole and beg the unfortunate couple to reconsider.
Last but not least, biology does come into play no matter how much we deny it. Discipline and commitment can be learn, but they are difficult to practice. Ultimately men are sexually driven. In these times of instant gratification, coupled with constant lust and desire, cheating options are easily available. Just like we don't bat an eyelid when a man cheats on his wife, neither do we when we find out that someone has been cheating on his boyfriend.
Obviously, that is not an acceptable excuse.
The only difference is that there is marriage certificate and/or children to make things difficult to separate, but those things aren't there for gay couples. If they are, things might be a lot different.
There are many reasons why relationships fail and the reasons I have mentioned are not exhaustive. It takes deeper reasoning and thought to understand why, as all relationships are different with their own dynamics and complexities.
It's too simplistic to assume that whenever two guys get together, they would ultimately break up. It's illogical to think that it would never last without giving it a try.
Just like it is silly to think that there's no chance in hell that a married couple would divorce. Or that the husband would have an affair with the secretary when there's an opportunity.
If one were to really think like that, all gay relationships will not work out. But we all know that there are many which do. You just have to look harder.
As such, do not be discouraged by all the nay-sayers. If you believe it can happen, it will.
To me, all relationships are the same, gay or straight. Couples go through many obstacles, arguments, fights, silent treatments, the whole works. But for us gays, the challenges are more numerous and the obstacles are more difficult to overcome.
Which is why more gay relationships fail.
Can one openly bring the boyfriend home and introduce him to one's parents? Can one bring the boyfriend to the company's annual dinner? Can one declare one's love for another for everyone to know?
Of course, one can all do that. But how many actually can and do? You may pooh-pooh these as small and minor things, but the influence from parents, society and friends are significant.
As such, gay relationships take more work and effort. Gays don't have things planned out and then just go through the motions of life like the straights, where marriage is the way to go.
A straight couple who has been dating for 10 years is more likely to get married than to break up, even if there is not much passion left. To them, that's the natural course of action and it is more hassle to start all over with a new partner, especially if they are past the marrying age i.e. above 30.
In addition, if a straight couple breaks up, there are friends and family who would rush in to help mend things. They want to see them get back together and do whatever they can to salvage the relationship.
What happens when a gay relationship breaks up? More often than not, we only have our other gay friends to turn to. Guys are usually more practical and would say that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I would be really surprised if the parents come on board to assist to mend things or friends chip in to help them get back together.
We seldom interfere, unless we really have to. Unlike the heteros who would cajole and beg the unfortunate couple to reconsider.
Last but not least, biology does come into play no matter how much we deny it. Discipline and commitment can be learn, but they are difficult to practice. Ultimately men are sexually driven. In these times of instant gratification, coupled with constant lust and desire, cheating options are easily available. Just like we don't bat an eyelid when a man cheats on his wife, neither do we when we find out that someone has been cheating on his boyfriend.
Obviously, that is not an acceptable excuse.
The only difference is that there is marriage certificate and/or children to make things difficult to separate, but those things aren't there for gay couples. If they are, things might be a lot different.
There are many reasons why relationships fail and the reasons I have mentioned are not exhaustive. It takes deeper reasoning and thought to understand why, as all relationships are different with their own dynamics and complexities.
It's too simplistic to assume that whenever two guys get together, they would ultimately break up. It's illogical to think that it would never last without giving it a try.
Just like it is silly to think that there's no chance in hell that a married couple would divorce. Or that the husband would have an affair with the secretary when there's an opportunity.
If one were to really think like that, all gay relationships will not work out. But we all know that there are many which do. You just have to look harder.
As such, do not be discouraged by all the nay-sayers. If you believe it can happen, it will.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Love grows
Love at first sight.
When I was younger, I thought that it would be a nice way to fall in love. I would walk into a room with a party in full swing, people busy chatting and drinking. I would look around to spot someone I know and head towards him.
As I walked towards the friend, I would catch sight of someone cute. Someone across the room, chatting with his friend. Oblivious to the fact that he has caught my attention.
From where I was standing, he would be someone who looks around my age, tall, with a perfect smile and toned body. He would have a friendly demeanour, confident and has a hearty laugh.
Without warning, he would suddenly turned to my direction, our eyes would locked. Light would emanated from around him and time would feel like it stopped for a moment.
Of course, how many people actually found their partners that way? Not many, I think. I know there are, but that would be far and few between.
Sorry to disappoint those who still believe in love at first sight, but what I am about to continue is not about my own love at first sight.
From my modest relationship experiences, love has not come to me that way. Rather, I fall in love slowly and gradually.
One of them whom I know from Fridae, our relationship didn't start from first sight. Honestly, I didn't find him attractive. But somehow, I decided to give it a go. I told myself that looks isn't everything. We had chatted on the phone many times and there were qualities that I liked about him.
Slowly and gradually, I liked it him more and more. I was devastated when we broke up, even though I was partially being desperate at the time, as I thought I would never find someone who would love me again.
Obviously I was wrong.
Another started off with him liking him first. I didn't think I would date him, as we started off as friends and hanged out quite often. Thus he was more of a friend to me, than a potential partner.
However, after we officially started dating, I began to see what a wonderful person. He was sweet, he was quite mature for his age and he loves me a lot. He was someone whom I thought I would take care off and wanted to make him happy as long as I could.
I was extremely saddened when he had to leave. At the time, we have had a few downs. And I was very much into him, more than he was into me.
As such, love for me takes time to build. It gradually becomes stronger as I know the other person more. It takes a firmer footing when we spend more time together, chatting and telling each other our life stories. The roots grow deeper as I discover his good qualities, like concern for his family and friends, jovial attitude and his goal to be the best person he can be.
Frequent communication is important. Call it possessive or obsessive, but I need to know that he is fine. I will text or call, everyday. I also want the other person to know that he is in my thoughts always.
And most all, it is to show that I miss him. A lot.
When I was younger, I thought that it would be a nice way to fall in love. I would walk into a room with a party in full swing, people busy chatting and drinking. I would look around to spot someone I know and head towards him.
As I walked towards the friend, I would catch sight of someone cute. Someone across the room, chatting with his friend. Oblivious to the fact that he has caught my attention.
From where I was standing, he would be someone who looks around my age, tall, with a perfect smile and toned body. He would have a friendly demeanour, confident and has a hearty laugh.
Without warning, he would suddenly turned to my direction, our eyes would locked. Light would emanated from around him and time would feel like it stopped for a moment.
Of course, how many people actually found their partners that way? Not many, I think. I know there are, but that would be far and few between.
Sorry to disappoint those who still believe in love at first sight, but what I am about to continue is not about my own love at first sight.
From my modest relationship experiences, love has not come to me that way. Rather, I fall in love slowly and gradually.
One of them whom I know from Fridae, our relationship didn't start from first sight. Honestly, I didn't find him attractive. But somehow, I decided to give it a go. I told myself that looks isn't everything. We had chatted on the phone many times and there were qualities that I liked about him.
Slowly and gradually, I liked it him more and more. I was devastated when we broke up, even though I was partially being desperate at the time, as I thought I would never find someone who would love me again.
Obviously I was wrong.
Another started off with him liking him first. I didn't think I would date him, as we started off as friends and hanged out quite often. Thus he was more of a friend to me, than a potential partner.
However, after we officially started dating, I began to see what a wonderful person. He was sweet, he was quite mature for his age and he loves me a lot. He was someone whom I thought I would take care off and wanted to make him happy as long as I could.
I was extremely saddened when he had to leave. At the time, we have had a few downs. And I was very much into him, more than he was into me.
As such, love for me takes time to build. It gradually becomes stronger as I know the other person more. It takes a firmer footing when we spend more time together, chatting and telling each other our life stories. The roots grow deeper as I discover his good qualities, like concern for his family and friends, jovial attitude and his goal to be the best person he can be.
Frequent communication is important. Call it possessive or obsessive, but I need to know that he is fine. I will text or call, everyday. I also want the other person to know that he is in my thoughts always.
And most all, it is to show that I miss him. A lot.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Ménage à trois II
A ménage à trois is the French term describing a relationship or domestic arrangement in which three people, often a married couple and another lover, share a sexual relationship, although the relationship might or might not involve all three persons having sexual relations with each other. The French phrase literally translates as "household of three".
Two weeks ago, a member of the Yahoogroup that I am subscribed to, posted a message regarding three persons in a relationship.
"Can a person fall in love with 2 different people at the same time? If he chooses both and gives both his very best, will that make him unfaithful to either one? :-("
The next reply to the post was someone admitting to having two boyfriends and both of them know the existence of the other.
Almost immediately, the replies came fast and furious. The type of responses given were not unexpected, like:
How can one love more than one person? If you say you love one for different needs, different personalities, thats a bit bias, isn't it? If you can do that, would you like it do be done onto you?
A sign of being "in love" with someone is that you are able to be 100% monogamous and faithful to that person and do not even give a second thought to bringing a third (or fourth or fifth) party into the equation or worse still looking outside the relationship for SO CALLED "specific needs" to be fulfilled. If the above is not the case then just please face the fact that you are not really "in love" with the person.
If you can't decide who you are most in love with, or you think you are equally in love with two persons, then, you are most in love with YOURSELF!
After that, there were views which state said that it was OK to them, as long as the people involved are fair to each other but still they cannot really accept it. There were more opposing than agreeing on this kind of arrangement.
Personally, I understand that most initial reactions would be what a selfish bastard that person is. How greedy! What a jerk!
Could it be because of our exposure to things such as a husband having a mistress with the long-suffering wife ignored or husbands taking in more than one wife? Of the latter, there are numerous Chinese serials depicting how the wives are unhappy and compete with each other for the husband's attention.
In both instances, we usually pity the wives and blame the husband. Very seldom that the household are in harmony and both wives get along well with each other with the husband showering equal care and love.
In a gay threesome, wouldn't you expect it to be different? All and each of the three persons are capable of loving the other two, unlike a one-man-two-woman arrangement. It is quite unlikely and almost unfathomable, though not impossible, that the two women would have a lesbian affair.
True, it would be difficult to maintain such an arrangement. There are TWO persons feelings and needs to take care off, thus more difficult to manage.
Though from another point of view, one could also say that one person has two other people taking care of his needs and who wouldn't like that?
Ultimately, the giving and taking would amount be the same.
Of course, there is also the concern of what if two of the three like each other more and start to ignore or worse still, ditch the third? What if the other two are spending more time with each other and the third feels neglected and even a little jealous?
But really, how is this any different from a two person relationship? Even in such a relationship, one person might still feel slighted by the other like not spending enough time together, for whatever reason such as work or hanging out with his other friends? There is also the common occurrence of one's partner cheating with another person.
Some have commented that such arrangements are acceptable as why be bounded by traditional norms, either through centuries of practice, religion or simply because it is "not done" and "frowned upon".
To me, it seems to imply that it is as if anything goes in the gay community; as if whatever the heterosexuals are doing and we're doing it differently, we should be accepting of it. Afterall, we are all for diversity, aren't we?
I am rather uncomfortable with such a train of thought. It is as if we're accepting something for the sake of diversity, as long as it not too overboard. Heck, even if it's too overboard, it's OK coz we're gay!
Personally, I believe it is something acceptable because hey, it works for them! If three people really love amongst themselves and can managed comfortably in a ménage à trois, well, good for them! Why not do it just because no one else you know is in a similar position?
As someone correctly pointed out, monogamous relationship aren't that great either. It is fraught with problems and issues. With three persons, the disagreements may tripled or quadrupled exponentially, by with three heads, who knows, it may be solvable.
In addition, is our capacity to love so limited and only to one person at any one time? That we can't love two different people at one time?
Someone else pointed out that we do love different people at different times in our lives i.e. from one relationship to another.
What if we love two at one time? Must the option be always choose one or the other?
Of course, not everyone can manage such a complex arrangement. I don't even know how do you start one!
Would it be like, "X, this is Z. Z, this is X. I love the both of you equally and I don't think I can choose one over the other, let's see whether the both of you can work something out."
Many are readily to admit that coping with one other half is already difficult, but with two, no thanks man!
Fair enough. I would concur too.
It is already taking up a lot of time to date, placate, support, watch movies, withstand the mood swings, understand, listen, care for, make decisions together, compromise with, etc our partner, what more partners.
But somehow, a lot of people still think of it as "main kayu tiga" (unfaithful or affair). How can something be unfaithful which implies dishonesty and cheating, when all three know about each other and everything is in the open?
The variables are more, certainly. Hence, it would take three very committed, open-minded, wonderful listeners and communicators and whatever other characters that are possibly more in supply than the rest of us, to make such an arrangement doable, feasable and manageable.
Or maybe it's simply loads and loads of luck!
As for myself, I would say that it is not something suitable for me. One person is enough, unless I have the hands of fate serve me another person who loves me a lot and who happens to love my current partner too.
That would be something to be decided if and when it happens, as it is rather unlikely and remote.
Perhaps it has nothing to do with love at all.
Perhaps the formula that makes it work is simpler and it's just three persons enjoying each other's company so much and they can have romantic feelings for each other.
Two weeks ago, a member of the Yahoogroup that I am subscribed to, posted a message regarding three persons in a relationship.
"Can a person fall in love with 2 different people at the same time? If he chooses both and gives both his very best, will that make him unfaithful to either one? :-("
The next reply to the post was someone admitting to having two boyfriends and both of them know the existence of the other.
Almost immediately, the replies came fast and furious. The type of responses given were not unexpected, like:
How can one love more than one person? If you say you love one for different needs, different personalities, thats a bit bias, isn't it? If you can do that, would you like it do be done onto you?
A sign of being "in love" with someone is that you are able to be 100% monogamous and faithful to that person and do not even give a second thought to bringing a third (or fourth or fifth) party into the equation or worse still looking outside the relationship for SO CALLED "specific needs" to be fulfilled. If the above is not the case then just please face the fact that you are not really "in love" with the person.
If you can't decide who you are most in love with, or you think you are equally in love with two persons, then, you are most in love with YOURSELF!
After that, there were views which state said that it was OK to them, as long as the people involved are fair to each other but still they cannot really accept it. There were more opposing than agreeing on this kind of arrangement.
Personally, I understand that most initial reactions would be what a selfish bastard that person is. How greedy! What a jerk!
Could it be because of our exposure to things such as a husband having a mistress with the long-suffering wife ignored or husbands taking in more than one wife? Of the latter, there are numerous Chinese serials depicting how the wives are unhappy and compete with each other for the husband's attention.
In both instances, we usually pity the wives and blame the husband. Very seldom that the household are in harmony and both wives get along well with each other with the husband showering equal care and love.
In a gay threesome, wouldn't you expect it to be different? All and each of the three persons are capable of loving the other two, unlike a one-man-two-woman arrangement. It is quite unlikely and almost unfathomable, though not impossible, that the two women would have a lesbian affair.
True, it would be difficult to maintain such an arrangement. There are TWO persons feelings and needs to take care off, thus more difficult to manage.
Though from another point of view, one could also say that one person has two other people taking care of his needs and who wouldn't like that?
Ultimately, the giving and taking would amount be the same.
Of course, there is also the concern of what if two of the three like each other more and start to ignore or worse still, ditch the third? What if the other two are spending more time with each other and the third feels neglected and even a little jealous?
But really, how is this any different from a two person relationship? Even in such a relationship, one person might still feel slighted by the other like not spending enough time together, for whatever reason such as work or hanging out with his other friends? There is also the common occurrence of one's partner cheating with another person.
Some have commented that such arrangements are acceptable as why be bounded by traditional norms, either through centuries of practice, religion or simply because it is "not done" and "frowned upon".
To me, it seems to imply that it is as if anything goes in the gay community; as if whatever the heterosexuals are doing and we're doing it differently, we should be accepting of it. Afterall, we are all for diversity, aren't we?
I am rather uncomfortable with such a train of thought. It is as if we're accepting something for the sake of diversity, as long as it not too overboard. Heck, even if it's too overboard, it's OK coz we're gay!
Personally, I believe it is something acceptable because hey, it works for them! If three people really love amongst themselves and can managed comfortably in a ménage à trois, well, good for them! Why not do it just because no one else you know is in a similar position?
As someone correctly pointed out, monogamous relationship aren't that great either. It is fraught with problems and issues. With three persons, the disagreements may tripled or quadrupled exponentially, by with three heads, who knows, it may be solvable.
In addition, is our capacity to love so limited and only to one person at any one time? That we can't love two different people at one time?
Someone else pointed out that we do love different people at different times in our lives i.e. from one relationship to another.
What if we love two at one time? Must the option be always choose one or the other?
Of course, not everyone can manage such a complex arrangement. I don't even know how do you start one!
Would it be like, "X, this is Z. Z, this is X. I love the both of you equally and I don't think I can choose one over the other, let's see whether the both of you can work something out."
Many are readily to admit that coping with one other half is already difficult, but with two, no thanks man!
Fair enough. I would concur too.
It is already taking up a lot of time to date, placate, support, watch movies, withstand the mood swings, understand, listen, care for, make decisions together, compromise with, etc our partner, what more partners.
But somehow, a lot of people still think of it as "main kayu tiga" (unfaithful or affair). How can something be unfaithful which implies dishonesty and cheating, when all three know about each other and everything is in the open?
The variables are more, certainly. Hence, it would take three very committed, open-minded, wonderful listeners and communicators and whatever other characters that are possibly more in supply than the rest of us, to make such an arrangement doable, feasable and manageable.
Or maybe it's simply loads and loads of luck!
As for myself, I would say that it is not something suitable for me. One person is enough, unless I have the hands of fate serve me another person who loves me a lot and who happens to love my current partner too.
That would be something to be decided if and when it happens, as it is rather unlikely and remote.
Perhaps it has nothing to do with love at all.
Perhaps the formula that makes it work is simpler and it's just three persons enjoying each other's company so much and they can have romantic feelings for each other.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Hard love
Someone asked how come I am writing a lot of emo stuff now.
But if you look properly, it was only the last two posts!
I was going through some of the blogs on my links and found two which have a common theme - gay relationships and how it is different from straight ones and how they more often than not fail.
First of all, I understand where they are coming from. Either from their own experiences or observation of their gay friends, gay couples seems to be breaking quite often.
Or maybe, when one is unsure or insecure about their current relationships, they start to wonder. It is a very normal reaction and even I have it sometimes.
Questions like, will this last? Would he continue to love me ten years from now? Would his heart and mind start to wander?
What I personally disagree is the emphasis on differences of gay and straight relationships.
I don't see how the both are different, besides the obvious fact of the sexes. Just like a straight guy and a gay guy is only different in what turns them on sexually, the former being breasts and pussies and the latter penises.
A romantic relationship is a romantic relationship - a foundation and connection between two people to build and nurture. No two people are alike - two guys or one guy and one girl. Thus, no two relationships are alike.
In fact, a guy and a girl are waaaay more different in thinking. So logically, if a relationship were to work it should be two guys since well ... both of them are guys and should theoretically think more alike.
Okay-lar, unless you want to argue about how opposites attract, one soft and one hard, yin and yang, etc.
Or how two gays but very straight and Neantherdal-thinking guys who can't express their emotions properly and tend to pent up type cannot possibly together ....
Admittedly there are differences.
The breeders tend have a common goal - to propagate the human race by having children. If they don't have such a goal, rest assured that they will when they reach age thirty, thanks to busybody relatives or gossiping colleagues or friends.
We don't have a common goal, at least not one defined by marriage or children. We want someone for companionship, to be there when we are in need, to bitch and whine to, etc.
Of course, the society's support is important too. Notice how even people that the couple don't know, like their aunt's brother's son's cousin's friend, would suddenly turn up at their weddings and wish them congratulations.
It's likesome people who are too free and only goal in life society's only role is to get every single men and women attached to someone and to attend weddings.
If one were to look at statistics, more than half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. And the divorce rate is increasing in Asian countries too.
So yeah, the straights don't have it better. They just break up much later.
I am sure you have heard of cheating husbands who walked out on their wives after twenty years of marriage and two children.
Which goes to show that straight relationships are just as bad. And children doesn't necessarily can make a marriage last.
The things that will make a relationship work are deeper and harder to work at. Like a common goal, shared dreams and similar interests.
I can't remember where I have read this, but an article says that for guys, doing things together (not just sex!) is important. They are better off and able keep the relationship alive longer. Guys bond by doing things, not just by communication and talking about emotional or personal stuff.
Which is very true. It doesn't matter if one likes to paint while the other likes to go clubbing, as long as there are a few things which both like to do and spend quality time together, like cooking or watching movies.
It's undeniable that gay relationships are harder to work at, simply because there is not much societal support and when many gay men and women are still in the closet.
It's very rare that one can bring the boyfriend home and say, "Mom and Dad, meet my boyfriend/husband/significant other, Channing Tatum."
No one to give you advice, no one to turn to, no one to ask how things should be done besides your other gay friends or close girl friends.
So basically, it is simply harder because the relationship has to be made stronger from within and from the both of them, rather than from the outside or from parents / friends / relatives / society.
It takes more work also harder simply because both are guys.
I am not saying men cannot be monogamous; it's a matter of willpower and discipline.
Furthermore, as there is a lack of external forces to bind a gay relationship together and usually it is only the internal parties that do most of the work, the ropes that bind two people together may break more easily.
Which goes back to the point of making the rope stronger and this needs lots of commitment and discipline from both parties.
This is not helped by the phenomenon of so-called popular gay culture - clubbing, youth-worshipping, easy sex, etc.
Not many supportive people + Temptations of instant gratification = Easier break-ups
Okay, I think I have veered off my point.
But essentially, a gay relationship needs more work. A gay relationship is not doomed just because it's a gay relationship.
Or maybe I am just an idealistic fool and refuse to face the truth. ;P
From my speaking with other people, they say that one cannot party and club and have dark-room sex forever. The time would come when they would want to settle down and desire the stability of a relationship.
So the question is, when is that time?
Also, long-lasting relationships tend to form when one is closer to thirties. Perhaps at that stage, one is more stable financially and emotionally and has a clearer idea of his needs and wants.
Obviously, there are exceptions. There are people who want to settle down and not fool around when they are only twenty.
In fact, I think many of us grew up with fairy tales of happily ever after and movies and serials on TV that we might prefer to find someone for a long term and stable relationship and forgo the sleeping around and easy sex.
There are many people who think like that. You just have to find them.
When they are found, it doesn't mean the search is over. You haven't arrive at the destination yet.
It's only the beginning. The journey to happiness and contentment is a long and hard one.
But if you look properly, it was only the last two posts!
I was going through some of the blogs on my links and found two which have a common theme - gay relationships and how it is different from straight ones and how they more often than not fail.
First of all, I understand where they are coming from. Either from their own experiences or observation of their gay friends, gay couples seems to be breaking quite often.
Or maybe, when one is unsure or insecure about their current relationships, they start to wonder. It is a very normal reaction and even I have it sometimes.
Questions like, will this last? Would he continue to love me ten years from now? Would his heart and mind start to wander?
What I personally disagree is the emphasis on differences of gay and straight relationships.
I don't see how the both are different, besides the obvious fact of the sexes. Just like a straight guy and a gay guy is only different in what turns them on sexually, the former being breasts and pussies and the latter penises.
A romantic relationship is a romantic relationship - a foundation and connection between two people to build and nurture. No two people are alike - two guys or one guy and one girl. Thus, no two relationships are alike.
In fact, a guy and a girl are waaaay more different in thinking. So logically, if a relationship were to work it should be two guys since well ... both of them are guys and should theoretically think more alike.
Okay-lar, unless you want to argue about how opposites attract, one soft and one hard, yin and yang, etc.
Or how two gays but very straight and Neantherdal-thinking guys who can't express their emotions properly and tend to pent up type cannot possibly together ....
Admittedly there are differences.
The breeders tend have a common goal - to propagate the human race by having children. If they don't have such a goal, rest assured that they will when they reach age thirty, thanks to busybody relatives or gossiping colleagues or friends.
We don't have a common goal, at least not one defined by marriage or children. We want someone for companionship, to be there when we are in need, to bitch and whine to, etc.
Of course, the society's support is important too. Notice how even people that the couple don't know, like their aunt's brother's son's cousin's friend, would suddenly turn up at their weddings and wish them congratulations.
It's like
If one were to look at statistics, more than half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. And the divorce rate is increasing in Asian countries too.
So yeah, the straights don't have it better. They just break up much later.
I am sure you have heard of cheating husbands who walked out on their wives after twenty years of marriage and two children.
Which goes to show that straight relationships are just as bad. And children doesn't necessarily can make a marriage last.
The things that will make a relationship work are deeper and harder to work at. Like a common goal, shared dreams and similar interests.
I can't remember where I have read this, but an article says that for guys, doing things together (not just sex!) is important. They are better off and able keep the relationship alive longer. Guys bond by doing things, not just by communication and talking about emotional or personal stuff.
Which is very true. It doesn't matter if one likes to paint while the other likes to go clubbing, as long as there are a few things which both like to do and spend quality time together, like cooking or watching movies.
It's undeniable that gay relationships are harder to work at, simply because there is not much societal support and when many gay men and women are still in the closet.
It's very rare that one can bring the boyfriend home and say, "Mom and Dad, meet my boyfriend/husband/significant other, Channing Tatum."
No one to give you advice, no one to turn to, no one to ask how things should be done besides your other gay friends or close girl friends.
So basically, it is simply harder because the relationship has to be made stronger from within and from the both of them, rather than from the outside or from parents / friends / relatives / society.
It takes more work also harder simply because both are guys.
I am not saying men cannot be monogamous; it's a matter of willpower and discipline.
Furthermore, as there is a lack of external forces to bind a gay relationship together and usually it is only the internal parties that do most of the work, the ropes that bind two people together may break more easily.
Which goes back to the point of making the rope stronger and this needs lots of commitment and discipline from both parties.
This is not helped by the phenomenon of so-called popular gay culture - clubbing, youth-worshipping, easy sex, etc.
Not many supportive people + Temptations of instant gratification = Easier break-ups
Okay, I think I have veered off my point.
But essentially, a gay relationship needs more work. A gay relationship is not doomed just because it's a gay relationship.
Or maybe I am just an idealistic fool and refuse to face the truth. ;P
From my speaking with other people, they say that one cannot party and club and have dark-room sex forever. The time would come when they would want to settle down and desire the stability of a relationship.
So the question is, when is that time?
Also, long-lasting relationships tend to form when one is closer to thirties. Perhaps at that stage, one is more stable financially and emotionally and has a clearer idea of his needs and wants.
Obviously, there are exceptions. There are people who want to settle down and not fool around when they are only twenty.
In fact, I think many of us grew up with fairy tales of happily ever after and movies and serials on TV that we might prefer to find someone for a long term and stable relationship and forgo the sleeping around and easy sex.
There are many people who think like that. You just have to find them.
When they are found, it doesn't mean the search is over. You haven't arrive at the destination yet.
It's only the beginning. The journey to happiness and contentment is a long and hard one.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
The beginning of the end
Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. It’s amazing how barely less than 24 hours of my posting that you guys have responded with your comments.
In fact, this eventuality was not unexpected. With his less than enthusiastic response to my calls and him never calling me save once, the end was in sight.
I suppose it was never meant to be and I was too in love with him to see that. Funny how one looks at things differently went one is in love. Nothing seems impossible.
The signs were all there.
Thus, when I called him a few days before my Phuket trip next month, we cleared things up. He made his feelings, or lack of, be known after some prompting from me.
He said, “Did you find someone new?”
“No, that’s not it. It’s better to clarify things than to leave them unclear.”
“Are we still a couple then?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’ll see how when I come back next year. We’ll talk about it then.”
It didn’t really make much sense, because we didn’t do anything that resembles a couple anymore.
I have no idea why, but I acquiesced.
Initially, I was hopeful that things would improve. But after some serious thought and a clearer perspective on things, I realised things would be better this way.
It wasn’t that difficult letting go, even though I loved him a lot. I still do.
No, I am not pining for him or clutching at straws.
When feelings are not reciprocated or when one’s efforts are not appreciated sufficiently, it does make things easier.
I am human after all. I do need love and care in return. It gets tiresome and frustrating if it only goes one way.
Not that I am blaming him, of course. This sort of things happen. I was his first crush, which turned into a relationship. And as we know, crushes very seldom last unless both parties work at it.
Anyway, when we started, we said that we were supposed to see how things go. To gauge our compatibility and our feelings for each other.
Somehow, somewhere, it turned into something serious.
We had frequently joked about how incompatible we are. About how things could be different if he had graduated from university. About how different we are, like the sky and the earth.
Perhaps we are too different.
It was great while it lasted. I hoped I had made him happy and felt loved, even though there were moments of anger and hurt.
Do not cry that it is over, but smile that it happened. ;P
Cliché, but very true in my situation.
In fact, this eventuality was not unexpected. With his less than enthusiastic response to my calls and him never calling me save once, the end was in sight.
I suppose it was never meant to be and I was too in love with him to see that. Funny how one looks at things differently went one is in love. Nothing seems impossible.
The signs were all there.
Thus, when I called him a few days before my Phuket trip next month, we cleared things up. He made his feelings, or lack of, be known after some prompting from me.
He said, “Did you find someone new?”
“No, that’s not it. It’s better to clarify things than to leave them unclear.”
“Are we still a couple then?” I asked.
“Yeah. We’ll see how when I come back next year. We’ll talk about it then.”
It didn’t really make much sense, because we didn’t do anything that resembles a couple anymore.
I have no idea why, but I acquiesced.
Initially, I was hopeful that things would improve. But after some serious thought and a clearer perspective on things, I realised things would be better this way.
It wasn’t that difficult letting go, even though I loved him a lot. I still do.
No, I am not pining for him or clutching at straws.
When feelings are not reciprocated or when one’s efforts are not appreciated sufficiently, it does make things easier.
I am human after all. I do need love and care in return. It gets tiresome and frustrating if it only goes one way.
Not that I am blaming him, of course. This sort of things happen. I was his first crush, which turned into a relationship. And as we know, crushes very seldom last unless both parties work at it.
Anyway, when we started, we said that we were supposed to see how things go. To gauge our compatibility and our feelings for each other.
Somehow, somewhere, it turned into something serious.
We had frequently joked about how incompatible we are. About how things could be different if he had graduated from university. About how different we are, like the sky and the earth.
Perhaps we are too different.
It was great while it lasted. I hoped I had made him happy and felt loved, even though there were moments of anger and hurt.
Do not cry that it is over, but smile that it happened. ;P
Cliché, but very true in my situation.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
No longer am I
I was asked recently, why I haven't mention a particular someone for a very long time in my blog.
In fact, I have been asked occasionally about it by friends who know us.
My reply was "Drawing a picture does not need one to draw the intestines too". It's a Chinese proverb, meaning that some things are just obvious and doesn't need an explanation.
Come to think of it, that sounded a bit sarcastic. I am sure he meant well when he asked.
Sorry.
Anyway, the reason he has not been mentioned is because no longer am I in his thoughts in the way I should be.
No longer am I being seen with eyes that long for me.
Hearing my voice no longer makes the heart beat faster. Or bring a smile to his face.
No longer am I an important part of his life.
It is no longer.
In fact, I have been asked occasionally about it by friends who know us.
My reply was "Drawing a picture does not need one to draw the intestines too". It's a Chinese proverb, meaning that some things are just obvious and doesn't need an explanation.
Come to think of it, that sounded a bit sarcastic. I am sure he meant well when he asked.
Sorry.
Anyway, the reason he has not been mentioned is because no longer am I in his thoughts in the way I should be.
No longer am I being seen with eyes that long for me.
Hearing my voice no longer makes the heart beat faster. Or bring a smile to his face.
No longer am I an important part of his life.
It is no longer.
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