Monday, July 24, 2006

Logical incoherence

Speaking of others' faults can also be a way to distract ourselves from acknowledging our own painful emotions.

For example, if we feel hurt or rejected because a dear one hasn't called us in a long time, rather than feel the suffering nature of our attachment, we criticize our loved one for being unreliable and inconsiderate. - Buddhist wisdom

I have grown quite attached to CF. In the early of stages of our relationship, he was the one that was crazy over me while I was slowly building up my feelings towards him. As time goes by, I realized how wonderful he truly is.

Unfortunately, his love high towards me waned just as mine went up. He was past the dizzying warm feelings of love whereas I was beginning to feel them.

Till now, he has not fully recovered.

Obviously, I would like a lot it if he does. But these kind of things can’t be forced, especially on CF.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is best captured in these words. Or rather, the opposite of them.

One of the most important things to know in life is that no one withholds any happiness from us - not even our most loved ones. Our happiness is our charge. While we often place our happiness in the charge of others, it is us who voluntarily do that - and we can take this responsibility back to own it. Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you truly happy - or sad. Only when we mindfully see and take up this personal responsibility, can we truly love - both ourselves and others.

I have somehow made my mood dependent on his to make me happy – his smile, his phone calls, his loving gestures, etc.

Unfortunately, he’s not the lovey-dovey kind. And thus, phone calls from him are hard to come by.

And that would make me unhappy.

Not that he is unloving, but his way of loving is a bit different; it’s subtle and difficult to decipher. At least to me lar.

And he’s intentionally making it not so obvious too …. Sigh!

But I digress. As logical as those words are in a sort of cold and logical kind of way and no matter how much I don’t like it, they are true.

The idea of having a partner is to be able to depend on him, knowing that no matter what there is someone who will love me; someone whom I can share anything and everything with.

Someone I trust.

In other words, he has my heart in his hands and he break my heart if he wants to. Hence, I am vulnerable in that sense.

Because I am attached to him. Emotionally.

So basically, what those words of wisdom are saying is that to save myself from the heartache, if it were to happen, is to become less attached.

Which goes against the whole notion of romantic love.

I have to make the source of my happiness my own; not his or anyone else.

When I can do that, then I would have evolved and become the Supreme Master be able to be happy, which of course will lead me to love myself even more because things are going well (ooh, like having tonnes of money ;P) which I could then share my happiness and love with others.

As you know, to be able to love myself means I am contented and happy. To have the strength to accept myself and the things I can’t change. To realize that life is short and no point making things unhappy or worrying about things that most likely won’t happen.

So basically, everything begins with loving oneself.

Hmmm, I wonder whether that would make me a narcissist? LOL

It’s true – one cannot give what one does not possess. If I don’t have love for myself, how am I to love another? If I cannot make myself happy on my own, how can I make others happy?

I read somewhere that a relationship is not about two persons completing each other, but rather, two complete persons coming together. Hence, to call our partners our other half is to imply that we are only half and incomplete.

Not sure whether I am making much sense.

Still, I have told myself that it’s better to improve on myself and be the best boyfriend I can be, rather than thinking on things that have yet to happen or negative thoughts.

This weekend will be the last time I will be seeing my baby before he leaves. And I won’t be seeing him for at least a year after that.

How I wished he has finished his studies already!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Hayes gay

Posted on Darren Hayes's official website.

I very rarely make comments about my private life.

But today, as I'm about to begin 6 months in the studio to record what I hope to be the best record of my career, I feel an overwhelming gratitude for the past 10 years of being a performer. Most recently, I've been moving toward a career that is more closely aligned with 'art' than it is 'commerce'. And in keeping on this trajectory - I have become increasingly more emotionally authentic in my music, writing and my relationship to my audience. As so many of you have given me your heart and soul over the past 10 years I thought it only fitting that I too return the respect and inform you of the most significant event in my life.

On June 19th 2006 I married my boyfriend of two years, Richard, in a Civil Partnership ceremony in London.

I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life.

I feel lucky to live in an era where my relationship can be considered legally legitimate and I commend the UK Government for embracing this very basic Civil Liberty.

I'm proud of who I am, and after what felt like an eternity, I'm finally in a place where my heart is secure and content. And I can finally make sense of all of the searching.

I still maintain the belief that families and relationships are not commodities to be sold off for public consumption. In this regard, I am and will continue to be a public person with a private life.

I have always written songs about human relationships and our journey in life. I've never felt the need to differentiate or speak to a specific part of society. This hasn't changed. I will continue to write songs for everybody and hope that the feelings and thoughts I sing about are universal. Today, as I get on a plane to return to London, my head will be filled with all the future possibilities that I hope to explore musically.

To the people who buy my records, come to my shows and demonstrate on a daily basis their love and support for me and what I do: thank you.

Your overwhelming message to me lately seems to be that you are just glad that I am happy. For this, I am eternally grateful.

To my Mum, Dad, Sister and Brother - thanks for always being so cool and loving me unconditionally.

With love and respect always
Darren Hayes

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Buying manga is not so straight forward

So many things which happened lately, yet somehow I don't have the mood to put them into words.

The past two weeks have been really hectic, work-wise. Attended two days of seminar last Monday and Tuesday. The day after that, I met up with Silentside, Louis and his boyfriend.

And on Thursday, I met up with Silentside again.

Pretty draining to go meet them after a tiring day at work. Still, it was fun to meet Louis and the boyfriend for the first time. They bought some stuff at Bodynits, just like Xavier did not too long ago.

I didn't know this brand has quite a large gay customer base. ;P

We had dinner at Marina Square and then got lost trying to find our way out to the Esplanade.

I tell you, Marina Square is the most confusing shopping mall ever. The layout is not user-friendly and the design and layout of the floors are not the same from one portion to the other.

Even my Singaporean friend took a good 20 minutes to find a restaurant there which he has been to before.

At the Esplanade, Silentside recounted for the hundredth time his dilemma. I hope you have got as many opinions as you can and finally decided on something.

Or not. Things may just get solved by themselves sometimes.

As I was meeting Silentside at Orchard, I decided to go get some not-easily-available manga for CF from Kinokuniya.

Censored material stuff, in other words.

I tried looking for the two titles. The map says that one was on shelf 26-H, but there is no such shelf. The shelf stopped at 26-A.

For the other book, the instruction said to seek the staff's assistance.

So I have to ask the staff for help.

First thing she asked was, "Is this for your own personal reading, sir?"

"Yes, they are."

"Please wait a moment. I'll check for the availability. If we have them, you have to show identification that you're eligible to buy them as these are conditional release titles."

Sheesh. The way this was happening, it almost seemed like I was buying hard core porn or something.

Or those which involve animals.

And so she went off to look for the books. They were stacked behind the counter. There were quite a number of other manga titles too.

After the titles were found and I showed my ID to prove my age, she handed over the books to me. Just as I was about to walk away, she turned around and asked her colleague nearby ...

"Do I need to escort him to the cashier?"

WTF? It's not like I was buying weapons or drugs or something dangerous .... Hmmm, what has CF gotten me into?

These titles had better be good and worth all the discomfort I was going through. Hmmm ... I wonder how hard core these titles are? The drawings on the cover seem to be quite mild ... but there is the word yaoi printed ...

Fortunately, her colleague replied no.

And I didn't get any strange looks from the cashier.

Or did I detect a hint of surpressed snigger?

Finally, the plastic was unwrapped and I got to see what all the fuss it's about.

There's nothing even remotely explicit in them, just cartoon porn artistically drawn comics with some homosexual hint ... not even an inch of exposed rendered skin ...

How disappointing! Anyway, it was to be expected. My sweet and mild-mannered boyfriend is just well ... sweet and mild mannered.

And hard core free.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I think I am the last one to post this.

Anyway, we had a farewell gathering last Saturday for Mrbunnyban, who is leaving for Australia in a couple of weeks.

The twelve of us met at TGIF The Curve. CF has always wanted to try out Friday and coincidentally, Mrbunnyban wanted Western cuisine too. So that was how the decision for the venue was made.

While CF was doing his facial (his very first), I was busy shopping for some work attire. As I was leaving G2000 and headed towards the beauty salon, I bumped into Mrbunnyban. With a bad case of flu.

The three of us went to TGIF to meet the others. Paul and Leggie were there soon after, followed by Alex, Joshua, Silentside, Harvey, Queerrant and McDave, and finally Xavier.

I wasn't feeling that well either, but when a bunch of gay guys get together, it's very difficult to NOT enjoy the company and banter and jokes. The energy and enthusiasm were infectious.

I have met Harvey earlier and I am glad that he enjoyed himself, as I was the one who invited him. Didn't get to talk to him much, but I think he had a good time talking to CF about games and some other stuff. With Queerrant next to him, I don't think he would be bored.

CF was more excited to come for this gathering when he knew that there would be people around his age. Afterall, I think they would have more in common to talk about. If not, CF would be bored and I would be the one to blame in the end ;P

Silentside is really an interesting and funny person. He can be really queenie if he wants to and his acting skills is amazing. I really enjoyed his company and look forward to seeing him again. He's like an Energizer bunny. LOL

It was also the first time I met Queerrant and McDave. They really are quite a match. I knew Queerrant from Fridae last September (I think) and it was a pleasure to finally meet him. Didn't get to talk much with him but he really is a nice chap with some very skanky ideas.

Last but not least is Xavier. When he arrived, he was regaling us with his misadventures of the day, which involved him going commando. Also, apparently he has been experiencing quite a bit of Love Luck. He is really funny too, with his big actions and facial expressions.

CF was in a bit of a foul mood, but he seemed to have cheered up a little after the facial. So I was spending quite a bit of time and effort to make sure he was enjoying himself.

Which he did. Though the wine in his steak kinda reversed his cheerfulness a little.

Overall I had a good time. I didn't talk much, as my hacking cough got in the way. I have met the others before and managed to catch up with happenings in their lives.

More than half the time, I was listening more and talking less. Cough, cough!

We left about half past twelve, after the second half of the England vs Portugal match had started. Yeah, I shouldn't be knowing which teams were playing and that sort of things, but I do! ;P

I was really glad to be able to meet Bunnyban one last time before he leaves. I think you will do fine there and it will be a great learning experience about life and people.

All the best to you in Australia! We will definitely miss you. *hugs*

P/S A big thank you to Alex and Xavier for organising this ;P

Monday, July 03, 2006


I am grateful because I have

  • a wonderful family who really cares, especially my mom. But unfortunately it is something that I take for granted
  • a good job, which provides enough for me to live comfortably and to indulge my boyfriend often
  • relatively good health, though I have been coughing incessantly for the past week
  • a best friend and a group of close friends from high school, whom I know I can depend on any time
  • new found friends that I know from blogs and Fridae, whom I can rely on if I ever need anything (you guys know who you are!)
  • and last but not least, a wonderful and beautiful soul whom I can proudly call my boyfriend

I feel so lucky and grateful for the last item, that I want to list some of CF's attributes down, so that I will always remember. You guys can knock me on the head if ever I were to forget these.

1) He's cute that another blogger said that he has this "boy-boy" innocent look that he wants to do some unmentionable stuff to him. Hmmmph, no way man! Though admittedly, I know exactly what he meant!

2) He's smart and quite insightful, yet modest. He blushes in a very adorable way when praised or if he's under the spotlight

3) He's such a nice and friendly guy, so much so that he has loads of friends who will call him out and want his company, that it's difficult for me to meet him sometimes

4) Artistic and kinda emotional (the two might be related somehow), with a sensitive soul and observant mind. Musically-inclined and anime/manga crazy.

5) Understands me very well and knows what I think and feel

6) Has straight characteristics, like not showing much emotions and err ... not as romantic as I would like. Afterall, he is who is he. Nevertheless, I have learnt some valuable lessons from him, like being strong in facing adversity and in dealing with challenges.

7) Is a good listener, even better than I am (as I consider myself to be a good listener too ;P)

8) Strong in his personal beliefs, which is good and bad. But more good than bad lar. It's bad for me when I am against his views XD

9) Most importantly, he's faithful and loyal and sweet and loves me very much for who I am

It has been six months already. I had a wonderful time over the weekend and I was reminded why I love him.

Time really flies. In exactly six weeks, CF is leaving for Vancouver and I won't be seeing him for at least a year.

It's going to be really tough for me, but then as they say, good things come to those who wait.

And he's definitely worth the wait. In gold.