Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Love withers

I believe that feelings and love don’t change overnight. They change gradually, sometimes even without anyone realizing. If it was not discovered and brought into the open for discussion, it will fester and reach its breaking point and it would then be the end of a relationship.

The aftermath of a broken relationship isn’t usually nice, especially when one person still likes the other. That explains why closures are important. Good closures usually necessitate more than one meet up.

I still remember mine two years back. I was half expecting it, as something happened earlier which hurt me a lot. We were at Coffee Bean and we talked. He told me his reasons, which at that time seemed reasonable. It made a lot of sense and I could see where he was coming from.

Surprisingly, I was calm. Even though I believe he was at fault and I was being dumped, I was amazingly composed. I was rationale and realized there was no point forcing it, forcing him to be in a relationship which he didn’t want to.

The next day, we met up again. Or specifically, I called him to come over. I wanted to be together again. I wanted him back.

But at the end of our meet, it was not to be. I was heartbroken but more importantly, the much-needed talk happened.

We talked. I cried. We hugged. We parted ways.

I tried to get over him over the following week also. I think it took me more than a week, but I finally found the strength to let go, to realize that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway if he truly didn’t have any feelings for me.

Breaking up is painful, but the way it is done can help soften the blow. The hurt and pain would still be there, but somehow if it is done in a manner which is out of concern for the other party, out of a desire to still be friends after that, out of a need to have proper closure.

Which is why, personally, I feel that breaking up over an SMS, email or other electronic media is, well, improper and inconsiderate.

The way I see it is that, if I were at the receiving end of an email which says “It’s over” followed by ten pages of reasons, I still don’t think it’s sufficient.

Firstly, doesn’t the other have the courtesy, not to mention guts, to tell one face-to-face but have to do it virtually?

Secondly, I feel that a real meet up conveys more meaning and sincerity. The non-verbal signs and the body language; all these adds up to making the break-up more amicable and less painful. It clears things up. There are things which only could be done in a physical meeting.

Even when two friends say goodbye, there is a handshake (for the prudes) or a hug. What more of a relationship which lasted for some period of time. A *hugs* sent electronically is different from a real hug.

In addition, there are always questions. How? Why? What? - these can only be answered properly in a face-to-face setting. Questions that need to be asked and answered so that both have a clear picture of what happened and the events that led to the ultimate unfortunate result.

Parting in a good way does not guarantee that the ex-couple would still be friends and be in touch, but it surely helps. Obviously, it's better to part on good terms and with fond memories rather than an abrupt goodbye or a huge argument where abuses were hurled.

Another thing which I believe is important is the timing of the break up. Definitely not after a session of sex and then one says “Things are not working out. Let’s break up.” Or near to or on that person’s birthday. Or during when the other is having exams.

To me birthdays are important. I don’t want to remember the day with something unpleasant. And I definitely don’t want anyone to experience it like I did, when my relationship ended three days before my birthday.

In the end, all break ups are painful. But if it was done with the intention of letting things go so that both parties experience as little pain as possible and with as much issues clarified, it makes the healing process smoother.


k said...

yes i agree with you. break ups should only be done face-to-face. but sometimes its easier done via other means and you know how we love taking the easy road out dontcha. lol

Magus_Young said...

Well said Sista D! hAh, and well I got to say I admire how u handle break ups, itz not a ez thing and it takes guts andballs. Unfortunately our community lacks balls!

BTw Sista D, I know you read, check this book up Gary Chapman's five love languages (review soon to be on me bloggie) :). I think its a must read for Queens, wife to be and husbands to be...

Over and out until your next Posting


Ban said...

Waaaah. Why got this topic one?

k said...

good advice there. pity some of my exs don't know about them.

Andy Kuramoto said...

Agreed. I don't really have anything to add. I am curious though, why did you suddenly bring this up?

Defiant85 said...

So very true.

Ya lo why suddenly out of the blue only?

Tech-Tronic said...

i understand geh. so sorry abt dat. i agree with u. its better to be hurt less now than to be hurt deeper afterwards. gambateh dude :)

William said...

Love withers. Weed out the diseased roots. Remember how pretty the flowers were. Plant in new seeds. Watch the new Love bloom.

Derek said...

k: I know. It's always hardest to do what is right ;P

magusyoung: Thanks for the book recommendation!

ban: Waah ... why not? ;P

k: Then you let them know lor ... by pointing them to this post LOL

andy: Heh ... something that has been in my mind recently. ;P

defiant85: Suddenly meh? ;P

techtronic: Thanks. Hope you're not thinking that I will break up or something LOL

william: Wah ... so poetic. So chim. ;P