Sunday, May 27, 2007


Another thing which Rev White shared was how even though he struggled with his for those 30 years when he was married to his wife, he is still a Christian. Even though almost everyone in the church told him that homosexuality is wrong, he was also constantly reminded in his childhood that Jeses loves him. The power of love ultimately triumphs and made him realise that Jesus does love him, for who he is and just the way he is.

He knows that many gay Christians are still Christians because whatever bad experiences they have had with the religion, those experience have only made them stronger and better. It has given them the strength to be themselves and to help others who are struggling. Which was how the church he started grew from less than 100 to more than 10,000.

As he said, gays and lesbians have big spirits and bigger hearts.

In the audience that day, there was a good friend of his (erm, can't remember his name). Let's call him Jeff. Jeff had a similar experience of struggling with his sexuality and he too attempted suicide.

Currently, Jeff is dating a Cambodian, Kim. Jeff came from a strict Christian family and when his father died, he was disinherited from the will. He got nothing. Jeff said, "Well yeah, I lost a couple of million dollars, but what's a couple of million?" He smiled contentedly to Kim.

Yes, being true to yourself and standing up for your own happiness can be costly, in the tune of million dollars.

On the other hand, Kim's family has become Jeff's family. Coming from a Buddhist background which is more tolerant and understanding towards homosexuality, they accepted Jeff and Kim being together. They have been together for three and a half years.

There are military officials who are open-minded about this kind of things. This is not surprising especially those who have fought together with their comrades, straight or gay.

As Rev White said, without gays, there would be no army. If the church is really intent on kicking out priests and bishops who are gays, there won't be many of them left to serve the church ;P

Hell, a lot of things won't exist without us!

"Whenever I am invited to give a talk on homosexuality to university students, the first thing I ask is "Who masturbates?" No one raises their hand. Well, I would say, if none of you ever masturbated, you expect you guys can listen to and accept the topic of homosexuality?"

Sex is not a taboo thing. Only the Catholic church made it so. Abstinence. No contraception. Result: HIV prevalence and the Philippines, respectively.

There are lines in the Bible which encourage people to have sex when they have reach the proper ages.

So did Jesus masturbate? Was Jesus gay?

After all, he was surrounded by men most of the time.

Thursday, May 24, 2007


Thank God I am Queer - A Gay Christian's Journey

When : 24 May 2007, Thursday, 7.30pm
Where : Free Community Church

The Rev. Dr. Mel White is a former ghostwriter for fellow evangelicals, including Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, Jim Bakker, and Jerry Falwell. Inspired by the nonviolence movements of Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr., White developed a program based on their principles to address the suffering of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. In 1997, he was awarded the ACLU’s National Civil Liberties Award for his efforts to apply the “soul force” principles of Gandhi and King to the struggle for justice for sexual minorities. He is the author of over 16 books, including Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America, published in 1994, and Religion Gone Bad: The Hidden Dangers of the Christian Right, published in 2006.

Not only is he a celebrated writer, he's also a powerful advocate for being Christian and gay. And he speaks from a position of authority, having been the Dean of the Cathedral of Hope MCC in Dallas (the largest gay-lesbian church in the US) and Minister of Justice of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches. At the personal level, Mel White struggled with his sexuality for more than 30 years, before he finally accepted his sexual orientation as "a gift from God.

The above was what attracted me to attend his sharing earlier today.

Rev Dr Mel White started off with how he lived with his wife for 30 years and one day tried to kill himself. Even though his wife is a wonderful woman, there was always this tension behind it. They had two kids; one who is Mike White who is now a millionaire (Hmmm, all those years of suffering. But thank God I now have a millionaire son!).

After the suicide attempt, the wife said to him, "Mel, I think you're gay. I want you to be happy, and I want me to be happy. You're not coming to terms with it and I am doing it for you."

The wife gave him a coin, one side which shows the Statue of Liberty (liberation to be who you are) and the other which has a pair of eagles with two eaglets. Even though he is gay, they're still a family (the four eagles) and they still love him.

He also shared his experience of how he tried to exorcise the demons within him, the demon of homosexuality. He went to the most famous church of exorcism and they can't help him. He went to see a psychiatrist and begged to be to be electrocuted, even though it was not recommended.

Every time he turned a card and there was a picture of a hot man behind it, he would be shocked with electricity. If it was a woman, there would be a mild shock. In the end, he had a crush on the cute guy who administered the shocks! ;P

Basically, homosexuality is not something that can be erased, eradicated or exorcised. It is a desire and a longing to be with another man, to come home and be greeted by a man, to wake up beside a man everyday, to hold another man's hands and walk on the beach. Homosexuality is an orientation and it's not just all about sex.

And the Biblical authors surely did not understand the concept of sexual orientation in that era, as even many do not today.

He has so much energy and passion, even though he is 67 years old. His message is of love and acceptance of oneself. God created each and everyone of us. All of are loved by Him and has a purpose and no one should tell you otherwise. God loves all of His creations.

A lot of things he said is very logical. It doesn't make sense for the Being that created you to hate you.

And the Bible has been misused many times to support all sorts of atrocities - the Inquisition, Crusades, child labour, slavery, keeping woman inferior and "in their place", etc.

He said he loves the bumper stinker which says "Jesus is coming back and he is pissed", as the church has been fuelling bigotry and killing young gays and lesbians silently. Jesus came to spread love to everybody; he embraced and included especially the marginalised and outcasts; he served the people. The church is now doing the exact opposite.

Rev White said he knows of a famous dance photographer who donated $10,000 to his church and then killed himself because "he has been rejected by his family, friends and church".

Another 16 year old killed himself in front of the mortuary and lied on a piece of plastic so as not to give much hassle to those who would take the body away. He was valedictorian for his year.

All in all, Rev White personally knew of 23 persons who took their own lives in the last 12 years.

In addition, Rev White believes in "freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance", as written from the Soulforce website. This was inspired by people like Martin King Jr and Gandhi.

Something that he did was to attend Jerry Falwell's church and everytime they say something bad about homosexuality, they will stand up in church and protest. He said to Jerry, "We will win your hearts and minds, but unfortunately he died."

As can be read from the article in Wikipedia, Rev Dr Mel White has been together with his partner Gary Nixon for 23 years.

After his sharing, he was asked a few questions. One of them was about sexual ethics.

Rev White shared with the floor about the time he was caught cheating. Gary asked him "Did you have sex with him?" and he said no. Gary then called him you lying sack of shit.

Later when they talked about it, Gary said that it was not the cheating part that hurt, but it was the lying. It starts with one lie and who knows where it would end? That thought was scarier and more hurtful than the infidelity. The foundation of trust and honest communication has been broken and a meaningful relationship cannot be built based on that.

The point being that there is no fixed sexual ethics. Monogamy, polygamy, menage-a-trois, open relationship - all these have to be based on honesty, trust, integrity and love.

Jesus mentioned something about using people as sex objects. Buddhism mentions something similar about sexual misconduct, defined as that which brings harm to oneself, to others or to both oneself and others.

If one were to "bounce, bounce, bounce and bounce from one bed to another, it could become an addiction or sickness". One night of sex based on a meaningful relationship and love is worth more than a hundred random sexual encounters.

It has been a really enjoyable evening for me. The message that being gay as a gift from God was mentioned many many times. That God created you and loves you just the way you are. The sooner one accepts that the better.

There was so much positivity in his sharing. It is seldom that I come across this, as the usual case would be more of criticism and condemnation of gays, gay lifestyle, sinful and hedonistic endeavours in the media and political speeches.

I am not a fan of religion, especially Christianity. All the violence, discrimination and killings justified by religion really gets to me. I know the religion itself is all about love, but I find it difficult to separate that from the Church.

Jesus himself was a great person, with lots of wisdom, compassion and love. If I were to look at those positives and ignore all those destroying of whole villages, killings of the young and innocent, raping of woman, I suppose it isn't such a bad religion after all ;P

P/S His long term relationship of more than 20 years does show that it is possible for gay relationships to work and it's not all doom and gloom. I really want something like that with Nyk ;P

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The HIV scourge

The issue of homosexuality is in the media again, thanks to Lee Kuan Yew's statement a last month where he said, "If in fact it is true, and I have asked doctors this, that you are genetically born a homosexual because that's the nature of the genetic random transmission of genes, you can't help it. So why should we criminalise it?"

Actually, the issue has been in the limelight since the review of the Singapore Penal Code, where the law now allows heterosexuals to have anal and oral sex, but that it is still a crime for two males to do so.

It is not a crime to be gay, but it is a crime if one indulges in anal sex.

It doesn't make sense, I know, but this is Singapore. Even though it has been said many times that the law is in not going to be actively enforced (which begs the question why is it retained?), it is there to appease the conservatives and the religious right.

But what makes it dangerous and in fact costing lives, just to appease these people are the obstacles involve in HIV and AIDS prevention for MSM (men who have sex with men).

At the AIDS Memorial on Sunday, the 34th edition of The Act, a publication by AfA (Action for AIDS) was given to all attendants. You can download it here.

There was a section on consequences of Sections 377 and 377A of the Penal Code on HIV prevention. The below is an extract, which I am deeply concerned about:

4 Inability to address the needs of young MSM
It has been very difficult to reach out to young MSM who are contemplating or already having sex. Young MSM are especially at risk of STI including HIV infection because they are less able to access sources of information and advice about safer sexual
practices for the following reasons –

a) School-based programs do not have information and materials that discuss homosexuality in an impartial and unbiased manner, including emotions, identity, sexual practices, safer sex techniques and negotiation skills

b) Young MSM may fear seeking professional advice (e.g. from doctors, teachers, youth workers) because to do so would be to admit having committed a crime;

c) Support groups and youth organizations for young MSM are practically non-existent; if they do exist they tend to keep a low profile to avoid drawing attention to themselves. Many young MSM will not know of sources of support and peer education;

d) MSM venues and clubs operate under clear age-restricted rules to comply with licensing laws. Young MSM are thus not exposed to AIDS education messages and campaigns; young MSM are also less likely to be able to afford the cover charges levied at these clubs and venues. They are also less exposed to the social climate within the organized gay community, which strongly supports "safer sex";

e) Young MSM may feel isolated and marginalized and regarded as not part of the broader society due to the criminalisation of their sexuality.

An application for funding of a program that included a component catering to young MSM was rejected because the government agency either did not think it was important or deemed that it was too sensitive a topic to address.

5 Censorship of MSM educational materials and events
Action for AIDS has on several occasions been asked to stop distributing materials containing information on homosexuality even though these materials were meant specifically for MSM venues and events. The reasons repeatedly given by the authorities was that because homosexual sex is illegal, it cannot be mentioned; therefore providing information on safe sex relevant to MSM is also illegal.

Because of the law, some young people are HIV positive because the relevant information and sexual education doesn't reach them. When something is thought of as bad, crime or sin, how does one expect it to be discussed and brought into the open?

It is a fact that young people, especially high school students are having sex with strangers from MIRC and personals websites. And this reality is borne by the testimonies of young MSMs in the publication.

Extracts (prints in bold are my own):
"It is hard to place a timeline on when I discover or realize I was a gay. Given that I had an interest in guys when I was 12 or 13 years old. My first sexual encounter started when I was like 15 years or so, when I got to know the MIRC, Internet chat rooms where I find out there is a gay channel and sgboy channel inside. Through there, I met my first sexual encounter and I had my first anal sex without protection...

From then on, I met guys out for fun and sex until I had a 6 – 7 months of so-called relationship with this guy purely based on sex, which has a term of buddy sex. During the ending period of this relationship, I fell sick a lot of times while he has some nose issue with himself and the doctor but we still continued having sex sometimes. Although we met up regularly, we still do meet other guys up for fun. But in this buddy sex thing, there was not any protection used and most of the time he would ejaculate inside me. But when I had fun outside, the guys would use condoms.

It was when I was 17 years plus, I had a month of prolonged illness of flu, cough and sore throat. I remember it was in near December, Christmas seasons. I started getting sick, and after each recovery I would get sick again. Every visit to the neighborhood
clinic made me spend more and more as each time the doctor would prescribe a stronger antibiotic for me. The last visit during that period cost about $90/-...

I do believe that, no matter what, I cannot let my parents find out about this. Each passing day, I would just live my life just as normally I have been doing, but sometimes thoughts that I am going to need medication brings confusion into my head. I did not really have a way of dealing with having HIV. But having thoughts about it running through my head here and there is kind of stressful. My family isn't really financially well off as one of my parents is retrenched. All I had in my mind is to soften my mother's burden and not letting her worrying over my condition...

I do believe that education to the young is the only way in helping us and the society in learning more about HIV, safe sex etc. No matter how young a person is we are exposed to the world in various ways which can influence us in some way. Educating the young in safe sex should be included with the various symptoms of all the sexually transmitted diseases like HIV." - Chinese 19 years, diagnosed at 18

Another one:
I knew I was gay when I was in secondary school. It was also during that time that I had my first sexual encounter. However I did not tell my friends in school about it. The first time I told a friend about my sexuality was when I was in junior college...

I believed I contracted HIV when I had unprotected sex with someone I knew over the Internet while I was serving the army. I had underestimated the importance of safer sex. I did not think I would be unlucky as to contract HIV. I had sexual encounters too early and the importance of safer sex did not hit me as being crucial. To me, it was more of a form of contraception than a protection against STIs at that time. HIV and other STIs were simply diseases which I thought were gory pictures showing infected genitals...

I am convinced that a better awareness of safer sex and the various STIs can protect individuals. They should be empowered with the necessary information in order to make an informed decision. I wished I knew the dangers of having unprotected sex as well as knowing how I could have protected myself. By casting sex as the forbidden fruit, it made me curious, and I am sure many others feel the same. Being open and honest about sex could be one way forward... - Chinese 23 years, diagnosed at 20

Even though the message for safe sex seems pretty common for me, it is quite obvious that it is quite uncommon for a lot of young people. The best way would be to reach them in school, through some campaign or awareness program.

But then, how relevant and how effective can it be, when even straight sex are still somewhat spoken in hush tones, what more homosexual acts. As you can read from the above, words like "homosexual" and "gay" can't even appear in print in reading materials for distribution.

There are many who doesn't have access to the internet, printed materials, etc. Even if they do, the importance of safe sex have to be emphasized and reinforced over and over to make sure they get. Especially for teenagers, where it is the phase of experimentation and rebellion, things like this might just whizzed past them. Seem like trivial. Like what are the chances?

If only humans are like the HIV virus - non-discriminatory. It does not care about one's race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, wealth, social status, whatever. It does not care who it infects.

And that is what makes it so dangerous and lethal.

Monday, May 21, 2007

AIDS Memorial 2007

Yesterday, Lloyd and I attended the AIDS Memorial Day, which is held every third Sunday of May. It was held indoors this year, in one of the lecture halls of Singapore Management University, unlike last year where there was a candlelight walk outdoors.

There were ushers to show us the way to the hall on the second floor. Even though we were 20 minutes early, there were a lot of people already seated. One can tell that a lot of them are gay, with some straight people. Both the right and left seats were taken up by the Red Cross, whose members are quite young, less than 15 years old.

There were representatives and religious leaders from the various faiths seated on the front row. I counted eight of them and I recognised one of them to be Reverend Yap, who used to be the pastor of the Methodist churches in Malaysia and Singapore. He is one of the few pastors who speaks out for homosexuals, as can be seen from his speech not too long ago.

Anyway, the memorial started about 15 minutes later than the scheduled 7 p.m. time. The service was started off by a short welcome note by the MC, who gave an introduction to what the AIDS memorial was all about and thanked the relevant parties.

This was followed by the opening address by the chairman of the organising committee, Dr Derrick (can't remember the surname). His speech was peppered by a lot statistics which basically drive home the fact that HIV infections among the gay community, not just in Singapore but in many Asian countries are on the rise again, outnumbering the heterosexual infections.

The next item was a song, sang by a duo called Flying Without Wings.

What came afterwards was the remembrance, where the 77 people who died of AIDS in Singapore last year had their names called out and volunteers would go on stage to place a name tag on this arrangement of flowers.

It was indeed a solemn affair. I was quite moved by this act to remember those who have passed on, to honour their courageous fight towards the end.

However, there was something that saddened me. The 77 people were not called by their name, but by their initials only. Two, three and four letter word combinations came up on the screen - LYK, BJB, SS, WSTK. I was wondering why on Earth can't these people be remembered properly, when it hit me ...

The stigma. The discrimination. Not to those who have died, but their living family members and friends.

That is something which society is at fault. As the Organising Committee Chairperson said, it's as if once a person has HIV, all his fine qualities and whatever good he has done are erased. He instantly becomes a bad person, who is to be avoided and shunned.

This point was made all the more clearly and painful when there was a sharing by a HIV infected person which was read out by a volunteer (again, to protect the person's anonymity).

She was infected by her husband. The night the news was broken to the rest of the family, she said her family crumbled. Her eldest daughter moved out and stayed with her in-laws that very same night. The youngest daughter moved out too.

Only the second child stayed. But he was forced to make the decision to stay with his parents or to move out, by his girlfriend. Either the parents or the girlfriend. How could one be made to choose, especially in such a situation. He was so stressed that he made the choice to move abroad to work.

The news spread to her relatives and neighbours. She was avoided like the plague and had to move to a new neighbourhood to start a new life. Fortunately, she was discovered by volunteers of FIRSTHAND (a volunteer group, can't remember what the acronym stands for) and was given the support and encouragement to face life's challenges and to realise that she can still lead a normal life.

Another interesting item of the evening was the recital of prayers by the various representatives of different faiths. Singapore has a Inter-Religious Organisation, which can never happen in Malaysia as long as the religious extremist and ignorant are around.

This is what I would call Muhibah, and not those artificial advertisements or posters showing one Malay, one Chinese and one Indian.

Each one of them recited a prayer for those who have passed on and for the living, that they may be fit, healthy and be blessed with a good life.

There was an observation of a minute of silence. Each of us were given a glowstick, instead of a candle.

Another song was sung, "That's What Friends are For", which is a song I love. Things become cheesy a little when the singers asked the audience to sing together and say "Thanks for being my friend" to their neighbours.

It was indeed a memorable event for me. The AIDS scourge is not going to end anytime soon, even with an optimistic theme for the 2007 AIDS Memorial of "Leading the way to a World Without AIDS".

But what we can do is to practice safe sex, remind people about safe sex and to treat people with HIV/AIDS without discrimination. No one deserves to be treated like the woman above, especially in their greatest time of need and support.

P/S I am not really sure how Malaysia commemorated this event, but it seems it was done very differently.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Year 2007, Week 20

Nothing much has happened since my last post.

Watched Spiderman 3 last Friday. Quite disappointing actually. Not much character development and to make it top the earlier two movies, the producers just threw in more villains. Like more villains and more action make a movie better.

Venom was so unnecessary. He appeared like what, in the last 15 minutes of the show so that he can share some Spiderman-bashing time with Sandman. And speaking of Sandman, the character is weak. The sudden U-turn in the character at the end of the movie was unconvincing.

Basically, the movie is the weakest of the three. Too many subplots and trying to do too many things within 140 minutes. Although the ending doesn't shout an impending Part 4, it is quite likely. Typical Hollywood to milk a franchise as much as it can.

The next big blockbuster movie I will be watching is Pirates of the Caribbean. I seriously hope that it is much better and lives up to its hype. At almost three hours long (yes, even longer than Spiderman), I hope it ties up all the loose ends with a satisfactory ending.

Oh yeah, I bought tickets to watch a gay play, called Happy Endings: Asian Boys Volume 3 on 21st July. Quite expensive really; it came to $40 even after 20% discount.

*trying to recall what else*

Ooh, ooh! While I was at dinner yesterday at Tony Roma's, I screamed quite loudly in shock when the piece of chicken that James was feeding me fell into a bowl of baked beans.

Benji exclaimed, "Now everybody knows you are gay!"

I don't mind actually. I don't mind at all ;P And it was actually quite funny and we laughed out loud .....

And I can't wait for the Singapore Sale to start next week! So many things to buy! In fact, many shops are already on sale!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Hundred days later

After the previous super duper long post which took me more than 2 hours to write, I thought a one week break would be nice ;P


Nyk is still quite new to the gay scene. As in, he only started meeting similarly inclined people less than half a year ago. Before that, there was the usual issues of coming to terms with it, bla bla bla.

And guess what? Within this short time, he is already out to his family. I am really impressed with his courage. I am proud of what he has done.

For me, it took me three years after I met people from online.

However, coming out is not without its consequences. The usual gamut of "This is sinful", "You must try to change", "This won't do you any good" and "This won't have a happy ending".

Still, I am here for him. It is heart wrenching that I am 300 kilometers away when he needs me most.

His voice has a tinge of pain, of need and support.

Needless to say, I would love to be with him now. I really really want to. But work and schedule don't permit.

And he understands. He knows I am trying my best to offer love and support in whatever way possible, that can span the distance between us.

He is a brave soldier, oh yes he is.

And I shall march beside you.


The day after I came back, my mood wasn't really good. How could I, with what happened?

I have this colleague TY who has this close friend who is gay. This guy has been dating someone for 5 years. The boyfriend has similar problems after the family knew he is gay.

Thus when TY asked how was my trip back to KL, I said my friend had a problem. A huge one. A problem similar to her friend's boyfriend problem.

She said OK.

I asked, "Do you know what I am saying? The meaning behind it?"

"I think so."

And I proceeded to tell her about it.

Which now means that I am out to her. The only one that I am out to in the office.


Last but not least, Tuesday was our 100th day together. Out of those 100, I think we spent only about 15 days together.

On that day, I was wearing the cock silver ring he gave me, I put on the EDT he gave me for my birthday and a pair of sexy undies which is also from him.

As a gift, I bought him a book by Neil Gaiman which I knew he wanted.

It has been a great first 100 days. May there be hundreds more of 100 days ;P

Thursday, May 03, 2007

My side of the coin

Will: So Mr Derek, what are all these rumours saying that you are two-timing?

Derek: Yes, it is true.

Will: Gasp! It is? How could you? After all the posts about how good you are and …

Derek: Let me explain from the beginning. As you know, heck, as everyone knows I am no longer with CF, who is studying in Canada. I posted the break up on my blog. The way I see it is that, we are practically no longer a couple. We are a couple only in name. Imagine a husband and wife who signed a marriage certificate, but don’t stay together, don’t communicate with each other and treat each other as friends only. That’s what we were and had become.

W: So from what I understand from that particular post, you have indeed broken up? Then how does the two-timing issue crop up?

D: You see Will, the thing is, everyone in the whole world knows I have broken up, except for my ex, CF. I admit that it was my fault. Things weren’t very clear. We didn’t break up officially, but agreed to talk things over when we meet again when he comes back to KL in May 2007.

However, in my mind, we were already over. Technically, the words “It’s over, let’s move on with our lives” have not been spoken. But practically, it has been said. You get what I mean? Actions speak louder than words, as CF always says. The actions have spoken the above, even though the words have not. His actions have spoken – I still remember the pain that I went through, the uncertainties and the cold treatment I received; I figured those were the signs things were coming to an end. I thought it was pretty clear to me. I thought I made it quite obvious on my blog. But apparently to CF, it was not.

W: Why would he think like that?

D: I am not sure. In the post I mentioned above, in the conversations we had, I thought it was quite clear and difficult to misinterpret. Even after that conversation, I still called him on average once a month. The difference in my tone was there. I didn’t end my calls with “I love you”, the whole conversation sounded quite formal, more like between friends than lovers.

Hmmm, as I think back, I recall that he was surprisingly chirpy in conversations after the break-up, which isn’t like him. In the past when we were still together, he didn’t like me calling; answering calls was like a tedious chore to him and he always sound like he can’t wait to put down the phone. But after that, he didn’t do any of those things. Which was how he talks to friends. Normal friends. Thus, I really believed that we were normal friends only. Oh, and he even said that he started reading my blog again … but I suppose somehow he missed that particular post.

W: Then how did you find out that he still believes you two are a couple?

D: The break up conversation happened in October 2006, but I only posted it up in November. Of course me being single, I could date other guys. I met Nyk not long after that and we started dating end of January 2007. We had wanted to take things slow and thus didn’t tell anyone we were together at the time. But when I was back in KL for Chinese New Year in February, we saw no point in hiding anymore and that was when our friends knew.

W: Erm Derek, you didn’t really answer my question.

D: Yeah, I was coming to that actually. Thanks to this mutual friend that we have, TW. TW knew CF first and TW still calls CF in Canada. According to TW, he treats CF like a younger brother, though TW has also admitted to liking him more than just friends. You get what I mean?

So anyway, I suppose he called CF after he knew I was together with Nyk and found out that CF thinks that he was still attached to me. Obviously, I didn’t know that and TW for whatever reasons didn’t have the guts to tell me directly. He then wrote a post in his blog in early March 2007 about John, Luke and Paul in a love triangle and it was quite clear that he was referring to CF, Nyk and me.

W: I don’t really get it. Why is TW involved?

D: Neither do I. But I remember reading in his post that whoever messes with his friends, messes with him. So even though this has nothing to do with him, he’s involved. It's like someone whacks your neighbour's dog and you go burnt the person's house. That kind of thing. And he seems to be involved in a lot of other things of our friends also, which doesn't need his involvement.

W: Is that how the news of you supposedly two-timing spread? From TW’s blog?

D: People who knew CF and I probably knew what TW was writing about. Of course, they made the mature decision to not interfere and let things work out between CF, Nyk and I. As someone said, as long as CF, Nyk and I knew what was going on, that’s all that matters.

But of course, apparently CF didn’t know. To be fair, I have told Nyk about CF and that we have not officially broken up yet till we meet in May 2007. It’s like a husband and wife separated but waiting to sign divorce documents in front of the lawyer in May 2007, but long before that the love and passion have already been gone.

W: So did you bring forward the “official” break up then, from May 2007 to March 2007? The so-called “signing of the divorce papers”?

D: I didn’t see why it should be. It was already March 2007, just another two months before May. Still, TW went to speak to Nyk personally about this, sowing seeds of suspicion and distrust. Nyk was pretty upset about this, but luckily we managed to talk things over and came to an understanding that I was supposed to terminate the relationship as soon as possible.

W: And did you?

D: I didn’t. And not because I didn’t want to. It’s because of how I perceive a break up should happen. Like what I explained in my previous post. I am a believer in doing it right, of doing it properly so that we can still be friends. Imagine getting an email which said, “Due to bla bla bla, I don’t think things are working out. Let’s not see each other anymore.” I think my post captured what I want to say more eloquently.

W: So what made you only clear the air now? Why didn’t you do anything earlier to stop these whisperings of two-timing from spreading?

D: I thought I could counter them by talking and explaining to close friends that I know, the people that matters and which the truth they should know. I thought that would be the end of it, that it would die down and let me do what is necessary when the time comes in May. But apparently, when one doesn't put out the fire, it doesn't burn itself out but becomes stronger.

You see, the news was being kept alive as it was mentioned again in TW’s blog and presumably in his conversations to our mutual friends. I kept getting asked about why am I being unfair, as recent as last weekend. Furthermore, I am in Singapore, while TW is in KL and he gets to meet all the people that I know too.

W: And that is why you can’t keep silent anymore?

D: Yes. And there’s more actually. TW actually put strange nick in his Gtalk, like “Welcome back Chris. Is Operation Payback on?” and "Welcome back chris. Enjoy your 3 mths holiday. Is the plan still in play?" And that was in early April, when CF was still in Canada. There were a lot more of those, but basically all saying that CF is back in KL when in fact, he was not. CF only arrived back in KL on 1st May.

For what purpose he did all those silly things, telling the whole world that CF was back in KL when he actually wasn't, I don’t know. One can’t really fathom a mind that is erm .... different, which wanted to create the illusion that CF is back when he is not.

In fact, TW actually sent a text to a friend on 30 April, one whole day before CF actually step foot in KL, saying “I'm out with Chris. He wants to know if u want to meet up for lunch next week. He says he got some stuff from Canada for you." Can you spell delusional?

W: What do you think TW is trying to do?

D: I have no idea, honestly. I think he is trying to play mind games or something. But what kind of mind games I don’t know. I mean, he keeps saying that CF is back when he is not, probably he’s trying to scare me or something. He wants everyone including me to know that CF is back. Or telling me indirectly to meet CF when he’s back in KL.

I mean what use is it for me to know that CF is back unless it was for me to meet him?

W: So are you going to meet CF?

D: Of course I do. But you know what the strange thing is? CF kept telling me that he is not coming back this year. I spoke to CF on the phone during Chinese New Year, another time on his birthday in early April and even on the day he was flying back (29 April in Canadian time), he still insisted that he was not coming back. When I called him a few days ago, I suspect he was in the airport yet he still said that he was not coming back to KL. So obviously, CF is as much a part of this mind game as TW.

W: Are you sure?

D: From the looks of it, yeah. TW texted me yesterday and said that CF knows all the texts that he sends out that refers to CF. So CF clearly knows what has been going on.

But you know what the interesting and amazing part is? CF never actually uttered a word on this thing. Everything that has happened was done by TW. Absolutely nothing from the horse's mouth. So come to think of it, I am not too sure whether CF knows. Or he knows but just go along with all these weird psychotic mind games which probably came from TW. At best, I can only guessed, since CF has not said anything to prove his involvement or non-involvement in this. But he certainly knows. And certainly, CF's name has been tarnished because of this.

It is more likely that TW orchestrated the whole thing on his own, coz you know, he did have feelings for CF. He might still do.

W: When are you going to meet CF?

D: You see, that’s the thing. I called CF’s house yesterday afternoon, like more than 10 times before it was finally answered. His mom answered, asked me who I am, said hold on, she’ll get CF on the phone. A moment later the phone was put down. Obviously, CF doesn’t want to speak to me. I have also tried texting and calling his mobile, so CF must be really blur if he doesn’t know that I am trying to contact him.

Do you know what is more insulting? CF, or maybe it was TW again, actually asked his brother to write me an email saying, “If you have nothing important to talk about please stop calling the house phone or if you have any important things to say just e-mail back to me with what you want to say and I'll sms him” If it was nothing important, I wouldn’t be calling CF’s house like, 20 times? And if it is important, he wants me to pass the message through his brother? What, he thinks I am not important enough to personally speak to me? I think that even if I didn’t make it clear to him earlier about this whole break up thing, I deserve some basic courtesy?

Oh, and you know what takes the cake? The cake with layers of lies upon lies? TW said he was there beside CF when I called. I can only speculate, but I doubt he was. If he was, he could easily have picked up the phone and said "CF doesn't want to speak to you. So fuck off!" But instead, CF's innocent brother was dragged into this and "supposedly" sent me that email saying "Get lost!", which I just mentioned.

W: From the looks of things, I don’t think you can meet CF. From what I have read in your previous posts, this would be like your first relationship where there was no proper closure? What do you think?

D: I sincerely want a proper closure. A proper conversation, wishing each other all the best and move on. Maybe a hug before we part. But of course, with CF pretending that he is not even in KL and ignoring my calls …….

W: Breaking news. This just in ... according to TW, he said "Why should Derek want to come clean now when he has Nyk? To CF, it's like Derek telling him that it's over and it's time to move on. It's easy for Derek to say that coz he has Nyk. I couldn't believe some of the SMS that Derek send Chris." What do you have to say?

D: First of all, I am not coming clean NOW. CF and I have acted like we have broken up when we spoke on the phone, as I have mentioned earlier in this interview. Also, the way it was said seems to imply that I am breaking off because I have Nyk, which isn't true. Remember, from CF's actions, I took it that he has lost interest in me when he went over to Canada.

Also, even if I am not dating anyone now, I still want to meet CF and have proper closure. I had gone through the pain, the process of the break up more than six months ago.

There's this unposted item which I wrote last in September 2006:

I called him on Monday morning, under the impression that his orientation would start the next day. Apparently, he was busy moving furniture or whatever and wasn't appropriate for a long chat.

As such, I tried to keep it short and asked some stuff like whether he has got his PC, how's things so far, did he make any new friends, etc.

I said I would call back later. Which I did, but my calls went unanswered.

A few days later, I received a text message on Friday night, not from him, but from a mutual friend, TW. The message said "He asked me to tell you hi."

How ... thoughtful.

The first thing that crossed my mind, "Why can't he message me directly?" Shouldn't he be texting me and ask me to say hi to the friend instead?

And do you see the irony in TW's words? He told the people we know that CF was back when he wasn't and mentioned the same thing in his Gtalk. But now, when CF is actually back he is saying what's the point of me meeting CF.

The way I see it, TW actually made things worse. Much worse. Without his interference, I would have proceeded with what CF and I agreed on, which was to talk over it and have a clean break up in May 2007. That would be good and we would still have been friends.

But due to what has happened, that has a very slim, almost nil chance of happening. He created hatred in CF towards me, judging by how CF is avoiding my calls. I could not fathom how someone can destroy love in the pursuit of it or in the name of friendship.

And what a fool I have been. TW actually sent me a text, saying sorry for his actions because it was Easter. I asked, what have you done and what are you apologising for? He just said sorry again. I actually believed his words and thought that was the end of it. Obviously, I was mistaken. A leopard never changes its spots.

W: Thank you very much for your time. Any last words?

D: I think I am not a good judge of people and I think I have been wrong about a person’s character before. But I think I made a big one this time. Things, relationships, seem to be unravelling with him around.

My relationship with Nyk was almost jeopardized because of it. It could be coincidence, I don’t know, but it’s just uncanny. As he can read people well, better than most people do, it’s easy for him to play mind games. Some of us might already be in his games without knowing it. He can preempt and anticipate a lot of our moves. Thus I advice caution.

Mind games create illusions, creates falsehood; they destroy rather than create. People hear things that aren’t completely true. The reality is twisted into another version. I am the opposite of all these. I am a direct; I speak what I think. I confront the truth, not run away from it. I also try to be fair, always keeping in mind that there are two sides to a coin, two sides to a story. Listening to one side only doesn’t give a complete picture and one is only fooling himself and will not know the whole truth.

In addition, I want to say that when one truly loves, when one truly understands love, one realise that love nurtures, love makes the other person grow. You want the best for him, you want him to be happy, mature, develop his potential, to learn how to love others, not hate. You want him to be a better person emotionally and ethically, not the person that you want to him to be. The other person's happiness comes first.

Last but not least, I think this will start a war of words, which I seriously and sincerely hope not. I want this to end, with this interview. Someone started it, I took my time in responding and now I have responded. I really don’t want this childishness to continue.

Thank you for your time too, Will.

Any resemblance to actual persons is intended. Some names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Love prevails

He is going through a very rough patch now. I feel so helpless to be not able to do anything. Though in reality, I can't do anything anyway.

Aarrgh ... it's so frustrating.

I have to be strong for him. I have to be patient for him.

I pray for strength for him. For me. For us.

Finally we managed to meet before I go back to Singapore. All thanks to his best friend who helped us out.

I feel very reluctant to go back, with all that has happened since 24 hours ago. I really wish I could stay for another day or two, but I know there's only so much I can do.

Yet obviously I wish I could do more.

But when I heard him say that what I have done was beyond his expectations, I smiled. It's the least I can do actually.

Yes, these challenges have brought us closer together. I realised I can be the provider too - to be the rock in these tumultuous times and in this journey we call life, as you have been for me.