Friday, November 24, 2006

Hard love

Someone asked how come I am writing a lot of emo stuff now.

But if you look properly, it was only the last two posts!

I was going through some of the blogs on my links and found two which have a common theme - gay relationships and how it is different from straight ones and how they more often than not fail.

First of all, I understand where they are coming from. Either from their own experiences or observation of their gay friends, gay couples seems to be breaking quite often.

Or maybe, when one is unsure or insecure about their current relationships, they start to wonder. It is a very normal reaction and even I have it sometimes.

Questions like, will this last? Would he continue to love me ten years from now? Would his heart and mind start to wander?

What I personally disagree is the emphasis on differences of gay and straight relationships.

I don't see how the both are different, besides the obvious fact of the sexes. Just like a straight guy and a gay guy is only different in what turns them on sexually, the former being breasts and pussies and the latter penises.

A romantic relationship is a romantic relationship - a foundation and connection between two people to build and nurture. No two people are alike - two guys or one guy and one girl. Thus, no two relationships are alike.

In fact, a guy and a girl are waaaay more different in thinking. So logically, if a relationship were to work it should be two guys since well ... both of them are guys and should theoretically think more alike.

Okay-lar, unless you want to argue about how opposites attract, one soft and one hard, yin and yang, etc.

Or how two gays but very straight and Neantherdal-thinking guys who can't express their emotions properly and tend to pent up type cannot possibly together ....

Admittedly there are differences.

The breeders tend have a common goal - to propagate the human race by having children. If they don't have such a goal, rest assured that they will when they reach age thirty, thanks to busybody relatives or gossiping colleagues or friends.

We don't have a common goal, at least not one defined by marriage or children. We want someone for companionship, to be there when we are in need, to bitch and whine to, etc.

Of course, the society's support is important too. Notice how even people that the couple don't know, like their aunt's brother's son's cousin's friend, would suddenly turn up at their weddings and wish them congratulations.

It's like some people who are too free and only goal in life society's only role is to get every single men and women attached to someone and to attend weddings.

If one were to look at statistics, more than half of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. And the divorce rate is increasing in Asian countries too.

So yeah, the straights don't have it better. They just break up much later.

I am sure you have heard of cheating husbands who walked out on their wives after twenty years of marriage and two children.

Which goes to show that straight relationships are just as bad. And children doesn't necessarily can make a marriage last.

The things that will make a relationship work are deeper and harder to work at. Like a common goal, shared dreams and similar interests.

I can't remember where I have read this, but an article says that for guys, doing things together (not just sex!) is important. They are better off and able keep the relationship alive longer. Guys bond by doing things, not just by communication and talking about emotional or personal stuff.

Which is very true. It doesn't matter if one likes to paint while the other likes to go clubbing, as long as there are a few things which both like to do and spend quality time together, like cooking or watching movies.

It's undeniable that gay relationships are harder to work at, simply because there is not much societal support and when many gay men and women are still in the closet.

It's very rare that one can bring the boyfriend home and say, "Mom and Dad, meet my boyfriend/husband/significant other, Channing Tatum."

No one to give you advice, no one to turn to, no one to ask how things should be done besides your other gay friends or close girl friends.

So basically, it is simply harder because the relationship has to be made stronger from within and from the both of them, rather than from the outside or from parents / friends / relatives / society.

It takes more work also harder simply because both are guys.

I am not saying men cannot be monogamous; it's a matter of willpower and discipline.

Furthermore, as there is a lack of external forces to bind a gay relationship together and usually it is only the internal parties that do most of the work, the ropes that bind two people together may break more easily.

Which goes back to the point of making the rope stronger and this needs lots of commitment and discipline from both parties.

This is not helped by the phenomenon of so-called popular gay culture - clubbing, youth-worshipping, easy sex, etc.

Not many supportive people + Temptations of instant gratification = Easier break-ups

Okay, I think I have veered off my point.

But essentially, a gay relationship needs more work. A gay relationship is not doomed just because it's a gay relationship.

Or maybe I am just an idealistic fool and refuse to face the truth. ;P

From my speaking with other people, they say that one cannot party and club and have dark-room sex forever. The time would come when they would want to settle down and desire the stability of a relationship.

So the question is, when is that time?

Also, long-lasting relationships tend to form when one is closer to thirties. Perhaps at that stage, one is more stable financially and emotionally and has a clearer idea of his needs and wants.

Obviously, there are exceptions. There are people who want to settle down and not fool around when they are only twenty.

In fact, I think many of us grew up with fairy tales of happily ever after and movies and serials on TV that we might prefer to find someone for a long term and stable relationship and forgo the sleeping around and easy sex.

There are many people who think like that. You just have to find them.

When they are found, it doesn't mean the search is over. You haven't arrive at the destination yet.

It's only the beginning. The journey to happiness and contentment is a long and hard one.


quicksilverlining said...

life isn't easy. it wouldn't be very fun if it was. it's like starting a game with a level 99 character, with level 50 being the ingame limit. it's only that some people start with certain handicaps in place.

Ban said...

I was about to say something witty, but my brain froze. Oh well. :P

defiant85 said...

Funny how you and Xavier posts about the same topic but in a different light. :)

Life Cafez said...

I like this post! Meaningful and I totally agree!

Well, people always say want to find true love and plu always say there isn't true love exist in gay relationship. But the point is what is true love for them? Everyone have their own definition of true love.

A lot of people think they want to find a true love but they themselve never be pure and be true in their heart. Once they got or own a guy's heart, they will start to search for another new and better or should I say a fresher one. Maybe they're not so obviously "searching" but deep inside their heart, after some times being together, they will start to find something "fresh"...

If ones can really have faith in love and their partner, I believe the relationship will works out and lasting. As both people do have realistic planning for future, have life target and goals, endures all the pits and falls together... Sweet Talk everyday won't make ones live and survive. Sometimes I think we need to be realistic, relationship need efforts and sincerity to growth and blossom.

It's no point we keep on asking "Why I can't find true love" but deep inside the heart, ones don't know what they want, which type of lifestyle they wanna go for, do they personally have that quality to go for true love etc... and be frank, it's very sad that most plu's true love will based on the FACE and not the HEART & MIND... Love without Heart and Mind is disasterous and will definately end up in the drain.

Personally, I still believe true love in gay relationship exist! :P

Love is patient and kind,
Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things...

Good Luck to you mate! Hope you will find your true happiness! :P

William said...

Hey, I did mention "the last couple of posts", so I was technically right. :P.

Doomed or not, dunnolah. But perhaps not so rosy.

I have seen so many examples where the guy screws arounds until he comes of "marriageble" age, settle down with the last hoe he was with, or the one that took his years of shit the best, AND then continue to screw around. It's never the age, it's the person.

Ban said...

Go to xaviers blog and comment please!

Espion said...

I dont think it - "it" meaning "being together" ( what does that mean?) - is all a matter of work, or the lack thereof: what will be will be.

Anonymous said...

true in every sense of the word, what you have written. Men normally will stop and realise the importance of it all when the age or 'stage' arrives... maybe to save from all this drama, they should allow gay couples to adopt.. at least something to hold them back from anyhow 'screwing'

well perk up.. all is not lost..

Theres still many more 'fishes' hehe...

But till then.. Que Sera Sera..

- Vincent

coolgardy said...

Relationships are a very delicate part and parcel of our lives. I'm no stranger to its ups and downs in my life too. But, I learnt after so many years is to let go..and enjoy life as it is.
Yes, Loneliness creeps in, but then again, I always believe that whenever a dark situation happens, a Light will shoot out to guide us to show us out of the darkness.
Perhaps I'm just being optimist but then again, if we do not choose something more positive to look at, then what is life about? Doom and all negative-ness?
I respect the dark effects of our lives but I do not allow it to control me, I move on, choose to be happy and knowing that one day, well, not in this life time, maybe the next, happiness might just surprise me somewhere. :)
Just my two cents.

savante said...

When it comes down to it, we are still all guys - despite being wildly homosexual. And unfortunately not all guys remain faithjful. Most guys are always on the prowl for something better, something hotter...

Sigh. So who said that being gay is a choice again? Come on, why would people choose this? :O

k said...

i think its how much a person cherishes his current relationship that counts. lets face it temtations are all around, and there's always a hotter guy around the corner. Whats to stop us from having sex with all of them? its the will to say no and be faithful. But sadly not many are able to stand strong. Maybe us guys are really built this way :P

Damn you testosterone!

Musang said...

oh my...

relationship is hard to find, hard to conquer and hard to keep.

might as well ride it all along then. as long as we can take it.

relationship is a bitch.

Yen said...

A relationship is definitely not easy to maintain. You have to work hard at it. The returns on investment is usually worth it.

lainieyeoh said...

hmm. well i barely know of any happy, meaningful relationships, straight, gay or otherwise.

i think it's just not easy to find someone.

Derek said...

qsl: Erm, ok. Interesting analogy there. ;P

ban: Brain still frozen? ;P

defiant: We did, eh?

lifecafe: Thanks. I think that's one of the longest comment I ever got. ;P

Yeah, love is what we make of it, it's in our hands.

william: Heh. You are even more cynical than I am.

Or is that from your experience? ;P

ban: Already did!

vincent: If someone is really into sleeping around, I doubt a kid will stop him.

But who knows?

coolgardy: It's hard being optimistic all the time, but I try my best to be. Life is worse if one is not! ;P

savante: The same people who thinks that man rape woman who dresses sexily. Neantherdals!

k: It can be controlled, dear k. Just use the brain instead of the dick to think! LOL

musang: Yeah, but we still all want one, don't we? ;P

yen: Hi, welcome to my blog!

I agree. It's worth it, even if it doesn't work out.

lainie: It's quite easy to find someone, but keeping them is difficult! ;P