Saturday, November 18, 2006

It's all about me

I know what I should be doing, yet I am not doing it. I should be studying but I am doing everything else besides studying.

Balance is key; moderation is the solution.

Somehow, there seem to be lots of things to be done. More fun stuff. Movies, clubbing, karaoke, shopping, swimming ....

Why do people get attracted to those that seem impossible to be with or that they have very little in common?

Perhaps it's what people call physical attraction. That wink, that cheeky smile, that infectious laugh, that nonchalant attitude, etc.

The things that matter fade into the background.

Perhaps I don't know what I want yet. I thought I do.

I have always thought of myself as confident and secure. But when I am with the person that I am fond of, it's hard to be like that.

Especially if the other person is more confident and more self-assured. More spontaneous, funnier. All the mores that I am not.

On the other hand, when I am with someone a little unsure, I tend to feel taller. Bigger. Not in the sense of showing off or swelling with pride, but more like brotherly kind of attention would be showered on him.

Like I have been there and done that. And now it is your turn and this is how it is going to be like.

I can simply be myself.

When I am in the presence of someone smarter, more experienced and more self-assured, I seem to be not able to hold my own.

As someone I know would describe it, in gay and somewhat stereotypical terms, I become somewhat "bottommy" when I am with so-called "toppish" personality type people and vice versa.

If that even makes sense to you.

Another thing is I am not one trained in the art of subtlety. People would know if I am happy or unhappy by just looking at me.

Or if I like someone.

I am just like an open book.

I realise it's something I have to work on.

Because sometimes, subtlety is called for. That restraint is essential. That people change and feelings are unpredictable.

That in the end, I am me and everything comes back to me.

Work in progress.


defiant85 said...

Everyone's a working in progress lad. Just don't change into something you're not. :)

pluboy@takashi said...

lol.. yea.. haha... but then again.. wat r u saying el?

Anonymous said...

.. that he is more bottommy than toppish? :-)

pluboy@takashi said...

err.. i dun think so.. but then again.. i really cant tell if derek is btm or top hahaha.. :)

josh kimura said...

i agree with the defiant. dont be something that u are not. We might be lost sometimes (i think so) but it all gonna be fine.
Men at work!

Derek said...

defiant: If I am work in progress, how do I know that I am changing into someone I am not? I could be someone I am not and changing into someone I am supposed to be ...

pluboy: Very complicated for me to explain! ;P

anonymous: Possibly. Maybe. ;P

pluboy: Can't tell meh?

josh: Thanks for the advice! ;P

Espion said...

The perennial question: who am I?

Well maybe the answer is to found not within you but from without.

Consider this thought: You are who others make you to be, and others are who they are for what you are.

Of course we get into a recursion, but, for me, this is not a problem, for most of nature is indeed recursive; and finding a recursive way to describe nature is evidence for being closer to the truth than away from it.

Or in a less complex manner we can think of a jigsaw puzzle.

We are a single piece of jigsaw, odd, complicated, meaningless. But when fitted perfectly - either as 'top' or 'bottom' or both, simultaneously - we suddenly make sense, and then, for example, the tinge of red is now seen as essentially and that oddity about us disappears, and a picture starts to form.

And the same situation applies to every piece of jigsaw attached to you.

Now if only everyone is fitted in his/her place, then we get a whole complete big picture. And this picture is flawed and marred should even 1 piece in a million million pieces puzzle is missing.

The single jigsaw needs the big picture just as much as the big picture cannot be without everyone in its place.

William said...

We all adapt to situations. But the original flavour is always there.