It's kinda lengthy, which is why I post it here instead of at his blog.
First of all, I am pissed, but not that pissed as the others were, at what have you written.
When you didn't know the existence of gays, you lived in a world of your own, oblivious to the reality that is different from yours.
In your case, ignorance is bliss.
The ignorance was discarded when you started your research paper on gays. That in itself is a very obvious sign of something deeper wanting to get out.
When you found out about Paul's blog, that was another step in understanding about homosexuality and also yourself. Of course, how you discovered his blog would be an interesting titbit too.
From then on, you got to know more people, myself included. Or rather, bloggers, not people. You have only known us virtually and let me tell you that online personas are different from our actual selves.
Your typical perception that meeting gay people will somehow influence you to be gay is, as I have mentioned before, completely unfounded.
If that is the case, surely I would have been influenced to be straight by now, with all the heterosexual people in my life, like my parents, colleagues, university mates, neighbours, etc.
In addition, in your 27 years of life, you would have definitely met and known some gay people, without you realising it. Just as other people would have known you, without having any idea that you have a liking for guys.
But now that you know that gay people exist in Malaysia, and in fact everywhere else on this planet, does it make any difference? What if someday you found out that one of your close friends is gay?
Are you any different now that you got acquainted with an online community of gay bloggers?
If I have known you in person and assuming that I am straight, but now I know that you like hot gay sex, does it mean that you are no longer the Kitjar I have known?
You do not change and become gay, you are merely opening up yourself to who you have always been, albeit unconsciously.
Basically, being gay does not make you any different or morally worse off than you were before.
I AM CONFIDENT that I will not live a life of shame or guilt. I will not let down my family, religion, community and state.
I agree that how you live your life is in your hands. Whether it is shameful or guilty, it is not for society to judge. Nevertheless, if you know what you are doing is not wrong and doesn't hurt anyone, you can surely hold your head high.
If you don't have the courage to be yourself and rather live a life of pretense, who are you letting down?
What about when you decide to get married? Who are you hurting if you can't give 100% love to your wife?
Imagine you were having sex with her but in your mind, you see Lukas Ridgeston or Jesse Metcalfe. How would she feel if she knew?
It seems to me that you want to get married because firstly, that is what your family wants and sociey expects of you. Secondly, to have kids.
I may be wrong there; you know yourself best. Though if I am right, that would make your future wife just a child-bearing machine to fulfill your selfish needs.
In addition, allow me to point out that painful truth that things didn't work out for you and Michelle, even though she is, to you, the perfect one.
In today's day and age, you don't need a wife to have kids.
Your mind is on our side of the fence and your body isn't. You are excited to be here, but your body maintains its stand on the other side.
I can understand how powerful your mom and society's influence on you is, but you really have to start thinking for yourself. Because you have been letting them do all the thinking so far.
You are living a scripted life.
You kept asking how we could live a so-called sinful life in Malaysia. The reply is, why not?
It is not difficult once you have embraced the truth and live it.
Parents do not have children for the sake that their children would get married and bear them grandchildren? To a certain extent, yes, but that is only a small part of it, if at all.
All parents want the best for their children, according to what they know. But as I have said, what they think is the best is based on what they know, which may not turn out to be the best.
But most importantly, parents love their children unconditionally and want them to be happy. To be a decent person.
Is it not better for someone to be gay and is good and morally-upright, rather than another who is straight, married with four children and has two dogs, but sleeps around and doesn't mind breaking the rules to achieve what he wants?
In short, you have uncovered the truth about yourself and others, yet choose to go back to where you came from. This is not unlike Cypher, who betrayed Neo in the Matrix. To Cypher, a life of illusion is better than the bitter truth.
It is difficult to unwind that knowledge and pretend to be someone you are not. Just as you can't pretend that Santa and the tooth fairy exist, after you have known the truth.
The truth may hurt, but in the long run, it is for the best.
Ultimately, (I know it's cliché) the truth shall set you free.