Thursday, August 25, 2005


It’s that time of the month again - I have been feeling kind of down the whole day.

Well, it doesn’t come monthly actually. It just comes and goes. When I least expect it.

That feeling of loneliness and sadness, with a tinge of envy towards my friends who seem to be better off.

Depressed as I wondered what I have I done in my life and where will it lead it to.

Feeling stuck in a rut without any way of getting out.

Not that I have a major obstacle or that I am in a quarter-of-a-century-life crisis.

In fact, I should feel relieved that an episode in my life has come to an end.

Basically, feeling unloved and unwanted.

Yup, I should really get a grip.

In the interest and spirit of feeling good, I shall not dwell on my dumpy mood.

Anyway, Jay posted something heartwarming a couple of days back. Goes to show that the there is still hope for the next generation.

On a similar note, I shall post something positive, which I found from Dua Sen, which he came across here.

*Vermont, in year 2000, was the first state in the U.S. to legally recognise civil unions of same-sex couples, with the same rights and benefits of straight marriages.
**Emphasis are my own

A Mother's Reflections

"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving ... to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?"


More interesting search words to my blog. These two are very recent, less than twenty four hours ago.

  1. kevin mcdaid gayporn star (Google)
  2. "mark feehily" leather (Yahoo)


Chaichakri said...

YiPPeee, I am the first to comment!
Hey, Derek, I hope you are feeling much better now, after ranting your moodiness to this blog!

Well, in life, there is always the sense of being envy and jealous. Hey, I am jealous about you, about how brave you are to lead this life and also how cute you are, hee hee. But, that does not make me unhappy and moody?

What you posted from Dua Sen was really touching. I can actually feel the pain this mother went through. BUt, she is an American mother, would my folks and your folks do the same thing?

I'm sure you would find somebody who would love you for who you are. There is always the special person out there for everyone. It only take time!

I guess, when I am doing merit-making the next round, I would be praying for you too. May you too find happiness in life.

Thanks Derek. I have learnt a lot from you and how to make peace with myself. I'm sure you will too!

AJ said...

Just went thru my own quater life crisis not too long ago as well (march).

It was horrible to say the least. But I survived, spent more time with my family, spent more time discovering myself, spent more time improving my job skills & spend more time with the guy I love.

These things don't happen overnite... But until then *hugs* again!

Jojo said...

hi derek. thanks for dropping by by blog. ..hope you feel better now. i do get moody sometimes, but i guess it's less now (not a monthly thing) but when it comes it comes. that's bad about it..get a grip, do something. i'll see you around soon for new post.

wingedman said...

Don't lah feel so down. As kitjar said, you still have a lot to live for, and love for.

It's just one of those days. Cheer up!

Shigeki said...

Hey Derek,

I'd been feeling like you do every once in a while in my early twenties and I did even have panick attacks so I understand a little bit what you are going through. On the bright side, you are sensitive and caring. I am pretty sure there are so many better things waiting for you. Breathe and keep your head up! Smoooch!

weeshiong said...

Well there'll always be ups and downs. But it's the downs that make the ups so much more cherished :)

Ooh. It's that a bot protection you've got on your comments posting thingamajig?

Derek said...

kitjar: Thanks. And I wish you all the best too. ;P

androjane: *return hugs*

Thanks, AJ for being such a sweetheart. Glad you survived the crisis. ;-)

jojo: Thanks, jojo. And welcome to my blog.

Yeah, when it comes, it comes. The last time I was feeling like this was in May.

Does this mean it comes quarterly then? Hmmm....

wingedman: Yes, I got the double meaning of your words, you tease you!

I am feeling a lot better already. Thanks.

shigeki: *smooch back*

Thanks, honey. I love it when you said that I am sensitive and caring.


weeshiong: Yes, good point you have there, weeshiong.

Yup, I have activated the word verification to avoid a repeat of the spam recently.

Nugget said...

Dammit dammit it's a fucking good piece written by a fantastic kick-ass mum. My eyes almost brimmed with tears :P

Alex said...

As Night heralds the arrival of Day, and Winter signals the coming of Spring, sadness is merely a messenger of coming joyful times.
Sorrow and Loneliness are the other great Teachers of Life - they fill our minds and hearts with wisdom and empathy.
What is Yang, if there's no Yin?

Espion said...

" ... feeling unloved and unwanted."

Is that truly? or just a feeling?

But know truly that you are indeed beloved and most wanted. :-)

PS: The word verification was "xhmgay" ... x-tra horny m'sian gay? :-)

keatix said...

well, i share your "uneasiness" but wish to accentuate that it is perfectly normal, it is only human, so, it will go by. take it easy.

Derek said...

nugget: Thanks. Glad like you like it very much. Good things like this have to be shared. ;P

alex: Alex darling. Very beautiful. You do have a way with words. LOL

espion: Just a feeling. I am feeling much better now.

And yeah, the server knows you are gay! ;P

keatix: Thanks. Yeah, it has gone away already. For now lar.

Spot said...

take a nap. it helps. tomorrow begins anew.

savante said...

That is an even more touching letter! Hope you're feeling better by now..


Derek said...

spot: Thanks for the advice, spot. That has always worked for me.

savante: Yup, it is a very touching letter. Darrel shares the same opinion. ;P

I am feeling much better already. Thanks.