Monday, September 26, 2005

Hold me now, touch me now

Last Friday, my colleagues and I went for a buffet dinner at the Legend Hotel. They insisted on having international cuisine while I preferred Japanese. How to argue with the girls lar, so I gave in and we proceeded to Di Atas Brasserie.

Food was excellent, as expected. Legend's fare have always been of high standard, except for the Chinese cuisine.

But that’s not what I want to write about.

For the past week or so, I have been feeling a little off. A bit beside myself.

Perhaps it was the house-moving episode last weekend. I don't mean the porn mag episode though.

Actual house-moving.

Plus the fact that my closest gay friend, NG, just left for the U.K. last Monday, the day after the Mid-Autumn festival.

The whole things-are-no-longer-the-same feeling. Just going with the flow.

Unthinking. Unknowingly.

Like a piece of stick floating in the river, which appears to be alive and moving. But is not.

Alive but not living.

New house, new room, new environment. A significant change after living at the old address for the past sixteen years.

Not forgetting life without the company of NG for at least a year.

In addition to the fact that I haven’t met up with CK for almost two weeks.

Do you get that feeling of loneliness sometimes? The kind that whispers, "No one truly understands me"? That no one knows how special I am and misses my presence?

Maybe it’s the narcissist in me talking. Though I am certain that this was unlike what I felt a month ago.

I have been meeting up with CK a couple of more times after the movie date. We were getting to know each other better over dinner and yam cha (coffee).

He is smart, funny, caring and boyfriend material.

I am also aware of my past mistakes.

Like settling for someone just because he happens to be in my life at the moment.

Like things moving too fast.

Initially, I had put off having a relationship till after my exams.

I know, I know. I realize that most of my plans revolve around my exam schedule and I have used this excuse often.

But this time, my November paper is one that I really need to pass. For my own sanity’s sake. I can’t stand the thought of having to take it again next year.

I was pretty sure a real romantic relationship is not something I want at this time.

Anyway, CK and I have been corresponding through email at work. Everyday.

After feeling like that for a couple of days, I realised what it was the cause.

I missed something that is common in a relationship.

Intimacy. Of the non-sexual kind. And also the sexual, primal kind.

Heh. This is somewhat embarrassing to admit. What I wanted was - someone to hold me. To give me a hug. To tell me that life is OK and everything is going to be alright.

Not that there is anything not fine at the moment.

Maybe I miss NG more than I thought I would. His company. His physical presence.

He knows everything about me; he is the person I have known the longest since I came out to friends three years ago.

After the dinner at the Legend, I went over to CK’s house. Into his room.

He was on the IRC. We chatted a bit about things. About us - assuming there is something there.

He made things clear. Said the same thing that YF said to me half a year ago – he wanted to try out more things, experience the gay lifestyle. He does not want a relationship now.

Well, at least he does not want both. And he’s honest with me.

As he was lying on his bed, I snuck up to him and lay on his stomach.

I took his arms and placed them around me. I asked, “You don’t mind me doing this, do you?”

“No, as long as you do not misunderstand.”

The boundaries have been made clear. The lines have been drawn.

“Of course I won’t misunderstand.”

It felt good. It has been a long time since another guy has touched or held me. What more in our culture of “no hugging” and all.

The warmth of his body, the beating of his heart, the feeling of his arms around me.

We laid there for about ten minutes.

“This is turning me on.”

“I know. Me too.”

I went home half an hour later.

What a girl wants, what a girl needs,
Whatever makes me happy and sets you free.
What a girl wants, what a girl needs,
Whatever keeps me in your arms.
And I'm thanking you for being there for me.

-What a girl wants, Christina Aguilera


Espion said...

Half an hour is a loooooong time ... :-)

Legolas said...

Oh dear. I have that same feeling last week, totally lost control over myself. My emotion just collapsed and there was nothing I can do....

You are luckier than me. I hope you will be alright. Everything is going to be fine. :-)

canardbidon said...

yeah - don't worry it will all be fine!
we all need somebody to hold tight at times - at least you know when you need it!

lost in the gay woods (LTGW) said...

I havent been in a man's arms for 7 months... at least i know i need one as soon as possible (dont misunderstand ok.. not for sex, for comfort and support, somethin +ve) you're just way too lucky man..

weeshiong said...

Nothing embarassing about needing a hug. We all need one every now and then :)

Jay said...

Well, it's nothing like the real thing, but I can give you a virtual, cyberhug.


Derek said...

espion: Not really. But long enough to get what I wanted. ;P

legolas: Thanks for the wishes. Hope you are fine too.

canardbidon: Yup, I know when I need it and better still, there is someone to provide it.

justin: I am sure you are lucky too, no?

weeshiong: *hugs*

How understanding of you!

jay: *hugs back*

Thanks, jay. Virtual ones work too. ;P

snowdrop said...

aaw... how about a hug from a little girl pig? *hug*


lost in the gay woods (LTGW) said...

hi derek, me being lucky? hehehe.. i dunno man, but who is my bf now?

savante said...

So what's going on with CK now?


Derek said...

snowdrop: Hi snowie. First comment!

Little girl pigs are always welcome. ;P

justin: You should be telling me who is your boyfriend ;P

Still, no hurry to get one lar, right?

savante: He's working and will be out of town this weekend.

Anything else you wanna know, Paul dear? ;P