Friday, September 30, 2005

Confessions of a drama queen

I have a confession to make.

During the course I attended a couple of days ago, I did something I shouldn’t have.

You see, there were two main speakers, both ladies. One was the senior manager; the other a manager.

The manager was a Malay lady, but extremely pretty. A teeny wee bit on the heavy side, but nevertheless still attractive.

The thing is, I was enraptured with her. She is not only beautiful, but also a good presenter who knows her stuff well. She wore a black pullover with some flower motif. A heart pendant nicely complemented her whole outlook.

I am not one to notice girls, if at all. They seem to like not exist, shadows that move in and out of sight, blocking and unblocking my view of pretty boys.

There but not really there. You get what I mean?

Of course, I am referring to strangers walking on the street and shopping malls, not my mom, female friends, colleagues, neighbours, makcik at the food stall and colleagues.

I recall that once, a colleague sent a Power Point file where one was supposed to do a task involving eye-hand coordination and at the same time, tested one's concentration.

Obviously there was a catch. Less than five seconds after you started, the image of a naked woman with heaving breasts appeared; swinging them sideways and bouncing them up and down.

Needless to say, I didn’t have a problem completing the task.

Guys catch my attention, just like anyone in a skirt catches a straight guy’s eyes.

Though more recently, I seem to notice the other sex more often.

Which is mildly worrying and unsettling.

And the speaker in front of me was, at the time, the most attractive.

When I realized this, I took the opportunity to go further.

I am kind of ashamed to admit this, but I tried to picture her naked.

Just the upper body. Breasts and curvy figure. Soft, smooth skin. Nice to touch.

I didn't feel any stirring at all.


Maybe it was because I didn’t imagine it correctly (after all, the number of times I have seen a woman’s naked picture can be counted with one hand).

So I gave up.

But I was still transfixed on her.

I watched her every move, smile, tiniest of change in expression, how she moved her head a little at the end of every sentence, the way she held her pen as she talked, her gestures, etc.

For a moment there I felt happy. Pure ecstasy.

The idea of marrying her – or another girl - didn’t sound as absurd as it used to be.

I immediately snapped out of it.

On the surface, it did appear like I was losing my homosexuality. Slipping away slowly.

But unlikely lar. How can I wake up one day and become straight?

Though clearly, many irrational people seem to think so. *rolls eyes*

Must be the lack of cute male specimens to keep my perverted eyes occupied.

Or maybe coz I have not met anyone new since CK.

What the heck, it’s Friday. Shouldn’t be cracking my head up with all these questions.

Gotta run off to meet someone ....


'drew said...

Once upon a time I imagined going out with this 'girl'friend of mine, that was quite a scary thought. Just when i thought i had my orientation down pat, here comes this contradicting thought. Good thing it turned out to be nothing.

And when my friends are perving at the hot chick in the streets, I'm still ogling her cute boyfriend...proof that I'm still part of the minority ;)

lost in the gay woods (LTGW) said...

hmm.. dangerous...

canardbidon said...

oh no!! don't you even think of straying from the brotherhood - be strong, my dear!!
Just because we r gay, doesn't mean we cannot appreciate the beauty of the female form - just as we can appreciate a beautiful painting, or house or landscape ... but that is quite distinct from sexual appreciation...

james said...

it's like me watching l-word and drooling over shane.

But then...I do not drool over girls, I drool over shane.

keatix said...

hi there, how yer? does happened to me too, on the contrary that is.

my hensem gay boss whom i told u about is really attractive :)

executorlouis said...

I agree, canardbidon. Just because someone is gay doesn't mean he can't appreciate beauty, and that includes the female form.

Is it just me or is the topic of bisexuality surfacing all around? =p

Chaichakri said...

I have to agree with Canardbidon and Louis, being gay does not exclusively mean you cannot for fall a women...Somehow, I still believe there is a soul-mate for everyone..... maybe i am too idealistic...

Closet said...

Aww, don't worry about it. I'm completely gay, but I have some female friends whom I respect and adore.
Heck, I even sometimes think marrying them would not be a bad thing. Except for the sex part of course.... ;p

canardbidon said...

kitjar: u misinterpreted me! i didn't say that you could 'fall for a woman' even if you were gay - i said that you could still say if a woman was beautiful or not - and have no desires on her!

Espion said...

Perhaps exclusive (natural?) homosexuals are rare. For the rest social values or social permissiveness can just be as significant a factor as anything else.

So if you have grown up in a rural community 300 years ago, when a girl from the next village have been arranged for you to marry when you reached your sixteenth birthday, and where the concept of homosexuality do not even exist is these villagers' mind, it is more likely than not that you will be having 4 children by this age, the eldest already helping you tend the fields. Perhaps you may also be having an affair outside the marriage.

And if the society is non-permissive then you just curtailed your homosexual tendencies - venting those feelings in other acceptable forms like drinking at a bar - and cultivate the other side of you and finally getting into marriage itself.

So in this sense you can choose not to be gay.

Except of course if you are naturally homosexual.

Jay said...

Me, I'm absolutely fascinated by beautiful women. Park me at a fashion show and I'd happily sit and watch the female models strutting their stuff all day long. I don't want to have sex with them - god no, the thought of all those flapping vaginas makes me ill - but there's just something about hot women that I find so... interesting.

savante said...

Maybe it's time you took a walk on the wild side and kissed a woman :)


wingedman said...

Of course we all notice gorgeous women. look how we adore Nicole Kidman and Beyonce.

We just want to BE them, not to bed them, that's all.

Interpret this however you wish.

AJ said...

I've been attracted & kissed a girl, even after I accepted that I was gay, just because, its NICE! She was so hot!

with all the rules society has forced upon us, I really don't see why we should add to the list, but rather enjoy the moments.

That being said, you shouldn't kiss/grope/fondle a girl without prior permission, unlike gay men, they may actually bitch slap you.. lol.

Derek said...

'drew: Heh, we don't want to lose you too!

justin: Don't worry. It has come to pass.

canardibon: Nope, not straying. And you do have a point there about appreciating beauty in its many forms.

james: We know, honey! You like guys, not gals.

keatix: And why has your boss not been introduced to me yet? ;P

louis: Ditto.

kitjar: Being gay means attracted to a guy physically, sexually and all other -ly.

closet: Welcome, closet. Thanks for dropping by.

Sex with a woman .... ewww!

And when are you coming out of the closet to play, honey? ;P

canarbidon: You'll have to excuse him. Heh.

espion: Fascinating theories, as usual.

jay: Interesting behaviour of yours, jay. I don't think I can sit through and enjoy a women's fashion show.

savante: Ooh, that would be really interesting.

Any volunteers?

wingedman: Be them? Tak faham lar.

Trangendered tendencies?

aj: Thank for the advice, aj honey. Though that is quite unlikely to happen - the kissing/groping/fondling part, that is.