Friday, October 21, 2005

Wanted: Friend

It was indeed interesting that two persons should mentioned about wanting someone sleeping next to them; waking up to someone and have the comfort of knowing he’s there. Right beside them.

And that it should happened in the circumstance when there was opportunity for sex.

Deep down, I suppose everybody wants that. Not the sex bit. I meant the feeling of security; a sense of belonging to someone and vice-versa.

Something simple, yet difficult to attain.

Why is that so?

Somewhat related to my previous post, I mentioned about types, as in “You’re not my type” and “He’s my type.”

People ask this question all the time, “What’s your type?”

“Someone with broad shoulders.”
“Dark, tall and muscular.”
“No sissy or soft.”

Most of the time, it’s physical-wise. Though they sometimes state personalities also – common ones like caring, kind, generous, be there for him all the time, etc.

From the looks of it, the personalities list seems to be easier to fulfill. How hard could it be to find someone who is caring, kind, generous, funny, etc?

But it’s not enough as there is this thing called chemistry.

Last week, when I was on leave for a couple of days, I went into IRC. Haven’t logged in there for a long time, and I wasn’t expecting it to be any different than before.

But then, there was someone that caught my eye – someone who was looking for phone sex.

So I messaged him.

Let’s call him L. It turned out that he recently broke up with his boyfriend of five years. Couldn’t bring himself to meet people again, hence he decided on looking for phone sex.

We started talking and I got to know more about him, even after I pretended to be not interested in phone sex although I really wanted to have declined the offer of having phone sex.

From what I could gather, he has lost quite a few of his loved ones, for someone my age. His grandparents, whom he was really closed with, passed away. Not soon after, he was ditched by the boyfriend.

I can only imagine what it feels like – people leaving you one by one; the feeling of being unloved and abandoned.

His sentiments, I suppose, are more real than the bouts of down-in-the-dumps that I have occasionally.

I offered to lend an ear to him if he ever needed someone to talk to, as he didn’t seem to know many gay people in KL.

In times of need, a listening ear can be all that one needs. Or a shoulder to cry on.

I am well aware that in the gay community, which seems to exist below the radar to most of society, there is a distinct lack of avenues for people to seek help. Or even to meet other decent people.

When I told this to my colleague, he was skeptical of people who are looking for friends and dismissed it as a ploy.

Well, it’s true the conversation with L started with the intent of phone sex and I believe (and hope) he found something deeper and more meaningful than that.

I am not trying to blow my own trumpet, but it was the natural and right thing for me to do at the time. And still is.

No one should ever feel lonely or friendless. Or feel that he will never love again.

In such predicament, surely some help to bounce back is needed. Furthermore if he is one of us and break-ups are as common as flies in gaydom.

Of course, he has to also come to the realisation of the above and accept it as part and parcel of life.

Anyway, we exchanged phone numbers and I text him once every few days.

After a few texts, there was something he asked which I found curious – whether I choose friends based on looks.

That was the first time I was posed with that question. Even though people say that we can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends, surely that is taking the latter a little too seriously?

Yes, we can and do choose our friends.

At times, we make friends because it’s necessary and we have to, like when we are in a new environment or workplace and we need to adapt. Other times, we are chosen as friends by others.

In addition, there are instances when we make friends unexpectedly, in all sorts of unlikely places and circumstances.

A person whom we met for the very first time could become a life-long friend and on the other hand, someone we meet often could never be accorded the same privilege.

Anyway, I think I am veering of my point.

The whole idea I am getting at is that we all feel lonely sometimes and long for someone special in our lives.

And sometimes, the solution could be as simple as having true friends. Or rather, the comfort of knowing one has true friends to depend on.

To quote that frequently aired ad from the Befrienders - It's your right to have a friend.


canardbidon said...

we all judge by looks in some part at least! no point lying about it! even with women, i'm sure i consider their looks as well... it's quite normal lah, don't we all like to be seen with beautiful people? ;)

Legolas said...

I do judge people by the looks. But I will also try to take the effort to know him beyond the looks. His heart can change the way I feel about his looks, and those two are in proportional relation.

I feel sorry for your friend, I wish him well.

loopy said...

seriously, i choose fren based on personality. looks has never been an issue. however, i think i might have a tendency of befriending less attractive guys (at least to me) so things dun get complicated later.

Spot said...

no no NO!!! aiiiiiiiiii!!!!

sorry, that line from the Befrienders really pisses me off. that's SO not the point. see, back when I was a Befriender, we specifically had to avoid giving out the impression that the Befrienders are some kind of friendship service. which is what that current tagline implies.

as a volunteer, it gets really tiring after fielding dozens of lonely but not depressed or suicidal callers. Befrienders are first and foremost a suicide prevention service. yes, they are there to listen, but there is a more serious objective behind it.

*deep breath*

that said, it's a real good thing you did. i found that some sex callers (those who call just for the thrill of saying explicit stuff) are sometimes hiding depression.

keatix said...

i m a friend........too...

Chris said...

I guess looks and personalities cannot be denied when it comes to a relationship or a partner... but I honestly would not choose a friend based on looks... but what did u replied to him though when he asked?

I would honestly say "no" to the question...

Espion said...

The real implication here is that if you just look and seek your "types" then you may missed that friend/soul mate who is not packaged in those physical attributes.

Taking the transsexual story again, "her" boyfriend/husband-to-be found in "her" his love, but who just happened to be packaged as a man.

So similarly a gay guy can find that "soul-mate" in a girl too.

"Types" is a delusion. But then there are those who prefer delusions.

I have my types too for sure. But all those I have loved were never my types. And once you love, everything about them is beautiful, and types totally irrelevant.

wingedman said...

For once I agree with espion--you may list all your types but the one you fall for is the one you never imagined yourself with.

Having said that, I never choose friends based on looks. I'd have NO friends, if that were the case.

canardbidon said...

wingedman: i lurrrve your bitchiness ;) No wonder you still have friends!

dmnk said...


i choose friends for looks ;)
personality :)


Derek said...

canardbidon: I know we all judge by looks, honey, but sometimes looks can be deceiving.

legolas: My point exactly. A person can be beautiful in other ways, not just physically.

loopy: Welcome back, loopy.

Heh, afraid that you couldn't control yourself with your cute straight friends?

Well, if it works for you ....

spot: I did notice the shift in the image they project.

Perhaps they want to go further back, even before the suicidal tendencies surface?

I mean, not all depressed cases end in suicides, but many suicides begin with depression.

keatix: Yes you are ;P

chris: Of course I said no. How could you even think otherwise? ;P

Derek said...

espion: Interesting view there - one's soulmate can come in all sorts of packages, in a different sex even than one prefers.

I suppose if one subscribes to the view of soulmates, one might very well miss him or her if physical appearance is judged.

And I do agree that once you love, everything about them is beautiful, and types totally irrelevant.

canardbidon: You can praise all you want at his blog. Hmmph.

wingedman: You are so fabulous, surely you can afford to choose.

Heh, just kidding.

dmnk: Ooh, so you don't have that kind of worry, like what loopy has.

loopy said...

It's not like I go out of my way to avoid the good looking guys but it's just that when I do meet any, being their fren isn't exactly the thing that comes to mind, hehe.

Only when I'm not distracted that I can sincerely develop friendships with them.

BTW, thanks for the comment on my blog but I had to remove your url cuz well, lotsa my frens (still in the dark) read it. Really sorry k. I hope you understand.

M|key^^ thE faLLen anGel said...

Erm.. ppl chose personality to be fren... but chose looks to be bf. :x