Thursday, October 27, 2005

Gayvanised

This refers to the last paragraph of my previous post.

=====================================================

Dear Ms Ngu Tao Yan,

There are a few experiences in my childhood which I feel might have affected who I am today.

When I was younger, I had a babysitter. Both my parents were working at that time. Mom stopped working when I was seven to take care of both my brother and I full time.

In fact I still keep in touch my babysitter. She has two sons and a daughter.

I remember vaguely a particular incident at the babysitter’s house. I think I was five or six at the time. The daughter, let’s call her WC, had a room that has mosquito netting at all the windows and door to her room.

There was this one time when she was changing her clothes and I allegedly peeped at her.

Actually, neither did I enter nor was I in her room. I was merely outside the door and it so happened that I looked in, through the netting, at that inopportune time.

After that, there was a big furore from the babysitter, and especially my parents, about how that was a bad thing to do, I was a naughty boy, I would get red eye, etc.

Basically, what they did was scaring me to death, a poor young innocent soul of a five year old. Luckily they did not make it worse, if that's even possible, and say that my little brother would drop off.

There I was, pretty fearful of the consequences of looking at a naked girl. She was fifteen then. I was too afraid and confused to even think properly whether I did looked at her or not.

Actually, I am pretty sure that I didn’t, because her room was dark. And she wouldn't be completely naked either. There's such things called bras, right?

After that, I think I was somewhat scared of her. She wasn’t the friendliest of person to begin with and obviously that little accident didn’t help.

As I grew up, I felt awkward in WC’s presence. I mean, my family and I visit them sometimes and during Chinese New Year. We still talk, but I always feel the need to end the conversation quickly.

What happened might seem trivial, but now, I think I might be gay.

Not because of just that one incident, of course.

There were other things that my father told me, that might have worked against my sexuality. The little things which played into the nurture component of the equation of sexual identity.

Like how he would be extremely agitated and fearful if I were to go near the lingerie section at the ladies department. Needless to say, I was also forbidden to walk the aisles between the racks or shelves that stacked them.

To me, it didn’t make sense. Instead, it gave me the impression that those things were dirty or taboo. As if going near them would cause bad luck to befall me.

Perhaps he thought I would grow up to be a pervert if I went near them.

At the pasar malam (night market), where there are many stalls which sells clothing and they are usually hung from the canopy, I was not allowed to walked under them. Or specifically, under women’s clothing like dresses and skirts.

Moreover, my dad has never encouraged me to go after girls. Not even implicitly. His actions implied that he is not fond of me associating with any girls or girlie stuff.

I am afraid I could be gynophobic (fear of women).

Another incident that I remember clearly was when I was supposed to spend a night at a classmate’s house after Prom Night. I had already packed my stuff and had reached my friend’s house.

Right before I got out of the car, my dad changed his mind and decided that I come home that night. No matter how late it would be.

His reason, “Two guys in a room, don’t know what you guys would be up to.”

Clearly my dad is also against me associating with other guys too closely.

Sigh, what is a guy to do? It’s a wonder I turned out alright.

Which is why I am writing to you, Ms Ngu.

The problem is that now I am shy to look at girls. When there is a pretty girl who is nearby, I would look at her, but then I would also look away quickly.

It’s because I feel embarrassed if I were to look longer.

Similar thing happens with women in swimsuits or even naked. When such an opportunity arises, guys would undeniably stare long and hard. I couldn’t do it even for five seconds.

I am not saying I blame my dad. But surely, my behaviour now has got a teeny weeny bit to do with all those things.

What is done, has been done. Perhaps it was the way he was brought up. I realise that there is no definite or scientific answer if any of those things affected me and to what degree.

But still, I worry it’s the former, that all these has affected me. What is your opinion Ms Ngu? Am I turning gay? Did the experience cause me to be apprehensive around women and possibly, not attracted to them? Could you please help with my problem?

Flushed Around Girls

9 comments:

canardbidon said...

i am the total opposite of you! my parents never had any problem with me walking around bras or sharing a room with guys.. i used to think that i could be gay because i was so 'desensitivised' to all this feminine stuff..

but all this is rubbish la - just goes to show that there isn't a way that someone can 'become gay'.. you're just gay, or you're not.. anyway being gay is great!

Mr. Brian said...

what a neat "letter"

Legolas said...

My Dad said only one thing about girls: Don't get involved when you're still studying.

Well, I'm more than happy to comply with that. ;-P

Derek said...

canardbidon: Being gay is not purely genetic. It's a complex feedback cycle between biology and the environment; genes and hormones and external stimulus.

Although I believe that nature is the larger influence, nurture shouldn't be discarded from the equation of one's sexuality.


brian fletcher: Hi Brian. Thanks for dropping by. Glad you found it "neat". ;P


legolas: And look what that advice has done to you! LOL

canardbidon said...

hmmm... that's what you think - but i don't buy it. I think the amount of discretion one can exercise over one's sexuality is very small

Chris said...

Woah you actually wrote to this Ms. Ngu person!? I'm surprised and shocked too... but meh... I can't believe your parents actually told you all those stuff... good to say I've never believed them... but guess what happened has happen...

rad said...

lol, somehow i feel that you're writing this letter just to tease this Ms Ngu. You're having fun with this, aren't you? ;P

savante said...

It's true. I've actually become desensitized with women's underthings and all. Just the usual for me but then again, I do see naked people all the time.

But the guys still give me a secret thrill sometimes :)

Paul

Derek said...

canardbidon: We can always agree to disagree. ;P


chris: Looks like my sardonic intention was lost on you.


rad: Spot on, rad dear.

And I believe I haven't seen you here before. Welcome *muacks muacks*


savante: We know you are a voyeur, Paul! LOL