You are a very introspective young man; a person who strives to understand himself. As Oscar Wilde said, “The real fool, such as the gods mock or mar, is he who does not know himself.”
Your questions are difficult to answer, as most matters about sexuality are. Until science in this area probed further and discover more answers, I am afraid I can’t provide you with definite answers.
Though the influence of parents on their children cannot be denied. Just like a man usually looks for a wife who is similar to their mother or someone who grew up in an violent environment tends to display similar characteristics.
Of course, the above are generalizations and if someone is aware of what is happening, he can then choose to do things differently.
I can sense that in other aspects of your personality, you realize the effect of your parents’ behaviour. All those superstitions and taboos that your dad holds, have made you someone who does not subscribe to them.
You strive to be totally different from them. Nevertheless, you have to be mindful of being different because it is better, rather than for the sake of being different.
Back to your letter. Whatever the effect may be of those experiences, it is a moot point now.
The fact is that you are gay. And we all know you can’t change that.
About your shyness when you are with girls, or rather only when they are scantily clad or naked, you can look at it this way – you would make a perfect straight gentleman.
As the writer of an article in Saturday’s the Star believes, you’re the ideal guy. She wrote that:
The most intelligent, most charming, wittiest, most desirably flirty boys I’ve known – boys with the most original sense of humour, immaculate grooming skills, excellent taste and ability to listen when you talk – have not been straight.
Unfortunately, they are unattainable, and the only reason they’re so darned attractive in the first place is precisely because they’re not straight, and have no intention of ever being so.
Obviously, that is of no consolation to you.
Still, I believe you will find someone who would love you for you, as you are a sensitive young man with a good head on those strong shoulders. *ahem*
All the best.