Friday, July 08, 2005

I, version 2.0

I have wanted to put this in words for the past few days but never got around to it. Something that has made its presence felt as I was writing the post titled You live, you learn.

I didn’t give much thought to it as it was Friday and attributed it as TGIF-feeling.

On Wednesday, I attended a gathering of the KK hike group cum farewell for our group leader Eddie. It was held at this obscure (to me) place called Café 69. Yup, obviously it is a gay-friendly place.

There were about thirty of us. I got to know a few new friends, as it was attended by Eddie’s other friends as well.

The feeling resurfaced. I realized I was in a good mood. Cheery.

I was happy to be there, excited to meet new people, basically enjoying myself and having a good time. Which is quite different from what I usually feel. Even though I am not naturally an extrovert and sometimes I have to make myself go out there and be friendly, I was totally at ease.

I realised that I have been feeling much better about things in general, after my KK trip. Life hasn’t change, but it does seem to be better.

Nevertheless, things have looked better for me. Life doesn’t seem as bad, not that it was before this.

This got me thinking of the reason. Is it because of the wonderful KK trip with seventeen other beautiful souls?

In part, I would say yes. I know, I know, I have been going on and on about KK. But as reflected in my postings, the people I went with was the reason the trip was so memorable.

Yes, I met someone special. Or at least someone who makes me feel special.

I believe I know myself quite well. Not completely but enough to understand why I do the things I do, think the way I think and the reasons I perceive things the way i do. Basically, how I function and my outlook on life.

In the daily grind of life, we get so caught up in work and doing things that we forget what living is all about.

‘Action speaks louder than words’, so the saying goes. But often words are just as, if not, more powerful than action. Indeed, sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me is not entirely true. More often than not, harsh words are etched in memory and the pain lasts longer than any physical wound ever will.

But I digress. Just as people use words to put someone down, words can also lift another’s spirit. More so if they are spoken from the heart.

I don’t usually get a lot of compliments, but if they come my way, I do appreciate them. They are great ego and confidence boosters. It doesn’t harm to have a few of these every once in a while.

And it has been a long time since I get any. Not that, but compliments.

In fact, it is not just the words. I can truly feel the warmth and care permeating from my computer screen as I read his emails.

If you remember, I spoke fondly of one of my group members from the KK trip, LP. We have been keeping in touch.

It is a good to have someone who really appreciates me and could see me for all my strengths and weaknesses. Someone who looks out and wants the best for me. Someone whom I know I can count on, all the time.

I believe that LP and the knowledge of what he is to me are the reasons for my change to a more confident and upbeat person.

For that, I am extremely grateful. It has been my pleasure and good fortune to know him. Life does seem rosier.

The point I am getting at is that, I am no longer insecure and desperate for someone I can call a boyfriend to be in my life.

Whoa ... even I surprise myself sometimes.

Coming back to the gathering on Wednesday, I felt like I was a different person. Chatting, laughing, making friends; I was comfortable and having fun. And I don’t think it was because of the cocktail they served.

What accentuated the fact was that, I didn’t want to go just the day before. The reasons were firstly, the people who are important to me won’t be there and secondly, monetary (hey, I have two more expensive dinners this week). As such, I thought that I would probably not enjoy myself.

Of course, this does not mean that Eddie is not a friend and his going away does not matter.

But then, someone texted me in the evening and I changed my mind.

So there I was, instead of feeling obligated for being there (which would be my usual mood), I was feeling good.

It just occurred to me that it could also be due to the hike itself. Telling people I have reached the summit of Mount Kinabalu (though not too difficult), elicited expressions of impress and gasps of amazement.

OK, there weren’t actually any gasps.

Anyway, I think the achievement gave me a sense of anything-is-possible and life-is-more-than-just-whatever-that-I-am-doing-now-and-there-is-still-

Not that I didn’t know that before, but it is good to be reminded occasionally.

On the contrary, I could be reading too much into it.

Still, life is better, because I feel better about myself.

I have evolved.


Spot said...

strange, i thought i'd posted a comment early this's gone! i rebel...i put again!

"life is better, because I feel better about myself."

that's just the bee's knee's bud. i so believe in that. good for you!

Derek said...

Thanks spot. I knew you could relate to that.

And I have the same problem with posts too. My post went missing in Will's blog; I did not repost as it was a long one.

Espion said...

Salt in wounds hurt. But cleaning wounds with saline solution is almost standard medical procedures. It seems the salt kills off bacteria allowing the wound to heal themselves. By the way "rubbing salt into a wound" comes from seafaring days, English I suppose, where sailors after being flogged, have salt rubbed into their wounds to prevent infection. I wonder which was the more painful, the flogging or the healing process.