Taken from the Onion.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.
"I love my son," Oebrick said. "But, you understand, I'm worried, too."
Among the many "small signs" that suggest that his son may be gay, Oebrick cited a home video in which the toddler crawls across the living-room carpet of the family's suburban Scottsdale home, wiggling his hips from side to side.
"I don't think it's normal for a baby to move like that," said Oebrick, wincing as the infant paused and flapped an arm in the air. "Don't you think that's a little strange?"
According to Oebrick, Michael has an excessive fondness for bright colors and "things that sparkle."
"Sequins, glitter, feathers," said the recent father, listing some of the things that Michael likes. "And he really likes flowers."
According to Oebrick, Michael is fussy during meals and picky about his clothes. When he hurts himself, he "cries like a baby." Additionally, the toddler has a "very strong attraction" to a stuffed lion with a rainbow-striped mane, an apparent preference for bottle-feeding over breastfeeding, and an evident love for bouncing up and down in his jumper device "like some guy at a club."
New to parenting, Oebrick said he is "plagued" by demanding responsibilities, unexpected expenses, and "a million tiny things" that indicate that his infant son might be a homosexual.
Oebrick said he doubts that strangers can even tell that Michael is a boy when they first meet him, but he acknowledged that this is not his biggest concern. According to the recent father, his most urgent concern is the confused baby's constant need to suck on a pacifier.
"That can't be right. Can it?" Oebrick said.
Oebrick said he first began to worry about Michael's sexual orientation when the boy was two months old.
"He would giggle constantly," Oebrick said. "And he had a very weak handshake."
Oebrick recalled the first time he saw his newborn child smile.
"Obviously, I was thrilled," Oebrick said. "But the thing is, he kept on smiling. He'd smile through breakfast, he'd smile in his car seat, he'd smile at strangers. It was excessive. It was around then I started to think, 'What if Michael can't help himself?'"
According to Oebrick, there were several months during which the infant's head would wobble if it wasn't supported by an adult.
"He was always swinging his head around," Oebrick said. "Our pediatrician told me it was normal, but it seemed pretty... well, gay."
Oebrick's worries were renewed last month during a Memorial Day cookout, when Michael "seemed too interested in my buddies," staring at them for long intervals.
"My friend Ben was bouncing Michael on his knee, and he was giggling and drooling like crazy," Oebrick said. "That didn't bother me so much, but when Ben put him down, Michael started crawling after every other guy at the party, giggling and grabbing at their pants legs like crazy."
"It was like he was the belle of the ball," Oebrick said. "When Rob played peek-a-boo with him, he got so excited he actually wet his pants."
Oebrick repeatedly said that, no matter what his son's sexual orientation, he refuses to be a "distant father."
"My dad was rarely around," Oebrick said. "He was always either working or drinking with his buddies, and that left my mom to raise me and my sisters. It won't be like that for Michael. He'll have a strong male role model. It looks like he's really gonna need it."
This is how my letter to him would look like.
Dear Mr Oebrick,
I can understand where you are coming from. Let me assure you that your child is so obviously not gay. Before anyone starts throwing their pink bunnies or collection of Mariah Carey CDs at me for being a traitor, allow me to explain.
Mr Oebrick, I am sure you are a decent and good man, but growing up in a society with a strong Judeo-Christianity influence bordering on conservatism would have definitely make you a very strong, macho man, albeit somewhat thick like a brick (Oebrick?). Though I salute your perseverance in not giving up on the baby.
There was no mention of a wife, so I would assume you are a single parent.
Without a wife or another maternal figure around, it is definitely difficult to differentiate what is gay or not.
With a few clicks of the mouse (not the furry type), it was easily determined that babies like bright-coloured and shiny things. Why, they even have favourite colours.
Being the traditional male that you are i.e. not very observant, I don’t suppose you have noticed that sweets are often wrapped in such paper? How babies would usually reach out and play with a woman’s earrings and jewellery? And how shows like Teletubbies and Barney have grown-ups in horrendous colourful suits acting really silly?
Oh wait, Barney doesn’t count; he is gay.
By the way, I think that flowers fall under the category of bright-coloured objects too, no? Unless they have died or wilted, of course.
Actually, what I found more curious is, why are there a ‘stuffed lion with a rainbow-striped mane’ and ‘sequins, glitter, feather’ lying around in the house? Where do you even get that lion anyway, from ‘Gays-R-Us’?
In case you haven’t notice, eight month olds are babies. They can’t talk or form words yet. All they do is cry. And cry. And cry some more. Like a baby. I don’t know exactly what you were expecting them to cry like. Banshees?
Regarding your ‘most urgent concern is the confused baby's constant need to suck on a pacifier’. To quote from this link,
‘.... babies suck on a pacifier for most of the day, and some children suck on them all the way up until they are three years old’. While pacifiers can be a pain, and it can be hard to break a child from it, it is at least better than thumb-sucking (it is even more difficult to break a child from the thumb, because you can't just throw it away).'
I seriously doubt that he is learning, sorry for being crude here, to be a cocksucker. If sucking a pacifier leads to that, the gay population would definitely be much, much higher.
About the Memorial Day incident, it seems to me that you seldom, almost never, bring Michael out of the house. If indeed that was the first time in a crowd when there is a celebration going on, it is not strange, in fact perfectly normal, for a baby to get excited to meet new faces and sounds and explore the place a bit.
In addition, he could be behaving like he did because:
1) you have never, ever bounce him on your knee
2) you have never, ever play peek-a-boo with him
3) you have started hiding the lion with the rainbow-striped mane
4) he is not getting enough attention and care from you, that he has to resort to and pulling other men’s pants legs to get some TLC
5) he needed to check they were real and wondered how long you were going to keep all those hunky men from him
Michael certainly lives a very deprived life at home.
Besides, have you seen a baby who starts bawling and wailing when bounced on the knee? Mopes when playing peek-a-boo? Just sit there and not explore in a new environment? In other words, un-baby like and instead scowl like an alien bent on destroying the Earth?
And the giggling? What is wrong with that? You mean to say that straight babies don't giggle and they pout instead?
What the heck is wrong with you?
Before I end, I would like to applaud your decision to not be a ‘distant father’, typical of many gay son-father relationship. But I bet you know that already.
And strong male role models? Yeah, that would probably help. Better still, ignore the ‘role’ part.
I hope I have put your mind at ease. Your baby is definitely not gay, though I am not so sure about you. As they say, it takes one to know one.
The gay baby expert