Monday, July 24, 2006

Logical incoherence

Speaking of others' faults can also be a way to distract ourselves from acknowledging our own painful emotions.

For example, if we feel hurt or rejected because a dear one hasn't called us in a long time, rather than feel the suffering nature of our attachment, we criticize our loved one for being unreliable and inconsiderate. - Buddhist wisdom

I have grown quite attached to CF. In the early of stages of our relationship, he was the one that was crazy over me while I was slowly building up my feelings towards him. As time goes by, I realized how wonderful he truly is.

Unfortunately, his love high towards me waned just as mine went up. He was past the dizzying warm feelings of love whereas I was beginning to feel them.

Till now, he has not fully recovered.

Obviously, I would like a lot it if he does. But these kind of things can’t be forced, especially on CF.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is best captured in these words. Or rather, the opposite of them.

One of the most important things to know in life is that no one withholds any happiness from us - not even our most loved ones. Our happiness is our charge. While we often place our happiness in the charge of others, it is us who voluntarily do that - and we can take this responsibility back to own it. Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you truly happy - or sad. Only when we mindfully see and take up this personal responsibility, can we truly love - both ourselves and others.

I have somehow made my mood dependent on his to make me happy – his smile, his phone calls, his loving gestures, etc.

Unfortunately, he’s not the lovey-dovey kind. And thus, phone calls from him are hard to come by.

And that would make me unhappy.

Not that he is unloving, but his way of loving is a bit different; it’s subtle and difficult to decipher. At least to me lar.

And he’s intentionally making it not so obvious too …. Sigh!

But I digress. As logical as those words are in a sort of cold and logical kind of way and no matter how much I don’t like it, they are true.

The idea of having a partner is to be able to depend on him, knowing that no matter what there is someone who will love me; someone whom I can share anything and everything with.

Someone I trust.

In other words, he has my heart in his hands and he break my heart if he wants to. Hence, I am vulnerable in that sense.

Because I am attached to him. Emotionally.

So basically, what those words of wisdom are saying is that to save myself from the heartache, if it were to happen, is to become less attached.

Which goes against the whole notion of romantic love.

I have to make the source of my happiness my own; not his or anyone else.

When I can do that, then I would have evolved and become the Supreme Master be able to be happy, which of course will lead me to love myself even more because things are going well (ooh, like having tonnes of money ;P) which I could then share my happiness and love with others.

As you know, to be able to love myself means I am contented and happy. To have the strength to accept myself and the things I can’t change. To realize that life is short and no point making things unhappy or worrying about things that most likely won’t happen.

So basically, everything begins with loving oneself.

Hmmm, I wonder whether that would make me a narcissist? LOL

It’s true – one cannot give what one does not possess. If I don’t have love for myself, how am I to love another? If I cannot make myself happy on my own, how can I make others happy?

I read somewhere that a relationship is not about two persons completing each other, but rather, two complete persons coming together. Hence, to call our partners our other half is to imply that we are only half and incomplete.

Not sure whether I am making much sense.

Still, I have told myself that it’s better to improve on myself and be the best boyfriend I can be, rather than thinking on things that have yet to happen or negative thoughts.

This weekend will be the last time I will be seeing my baby before he leaves. And I won’t be seeing him for at least a year after that.

How I wished he has finished his studies already!


FamezGAY said...

well i think love is like a chemistry. One will love another a lot first and the other is just mildy. After a long period, the milder one grow stronger and stronger and the strong one will grow milder. Then after a series of highs n ups, it will reach equilibrium just like a chemical reaction :) The most important thing is both of u still love each other! and of course love yourself is very important not narcist! its for ur own good!

Babymicrophone@LiveJournal said...

I enjoyed what you written and wholeheartedly agree with the notion that we have to love ourselves and feel complete before we venture finding someone to complement us. If not, we just end up feeling imcpmplete and trying to find someone to fill up our gap and insecurities and in the midst, we actually place so much pressure for our partners to fit into that shoes which is unfair. We end up being too needy and emotional and extremely vulnerable cause our ups and downs depends on your partner.

joshua said...

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!!!

ça va pas la tête said...

lovely lovely. ;)

MrBunnyBan said...

Mooooook. Me read read. Me nod nod.

pink dolphin said...

Well it seems to me that you have wrraped all your problems up nicely with a blanket of word of wisdom. It's great that you looked at yourself first, before pointing fingers or blaming the worls, which is something most people do these days.

Espion said...

But is life about one's happiness?

If it is not then notions like one should make oneself happy before that of others etc become irrelevant.

And also to be happy is really very easy: just delude yourself, like telling yourself to be optimistic, wishing yourself all the best, buying lottery, always have hope that tomorrow is a better day, count your blessings, compared yourself to someone more unfortunate than you and dont compare yourself to someone more fortunate or better, choose to hear pleasant things about yourself and associate yourself with such who say such things, and reject those who point out your flaws, and so on and so on.

But then you may retort that if life's not about happiness than what is it all about?

Well what about knowing and becoming who you are?

Then you may ask, Who am I?

Then I say the journey have begun. :-)

defiant85 said...

I wish I finished my studies too to be with my baby... Sigh...

MrBunnyBan said...

Okay, Espion? That just sounded wierd and irrelevant.

hrugaar said...

The loving yourself thing is always a bit problematic.

Maybe another approach is to find happiness just in who he is, within himself as a person, and the things you can do to make him happy (as opposed to looking for him to provide your happiness by the attention he pays to you).

Yeah okay, the problem is that that could become a bit one-sided, ideally you'd need both people to have the same approach for a balanced relationship. It was just a thought. :o\

The trouble with romantic love and attraction is that it does involve (by its very nature) a considerable amount of desire, wanting and needing - and frustration when we can't get what we want.

weeshiong said...

To love is to brave the risk of losing it. If you're strong enough to face that, then there's really no reason to hold back.

My best wishes to you and CF :)

yw[2k] said...

A year will pass very very fast! :)

savante said...

Doubt that anyone can maintain that love high forever, man :) Not even crazy old me... don't expect conflagrations all the time... in time it becomes a warm ember with the occasional spark that's gonna keep you warm forever :)


Jay said...

Go book a ticket and surprise him lor!

icydefunct said...

awww... sounds so romantic... hehehe...
well, a long distant love is hard to amintain, but believe in yourself, you and your bf will last for a long time... though i only met CF once, but i know he will also stay true to you... hehehe...
time flies, in no time, you and CF will be together again... hehehe...

have an enjoyable weekend with CF... hehehe

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
Surfed into your blog. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in your relationship. I hope you find someone who can give you his all soon.
Maybe my blog will be of interest to you. I'll be sure to check in regularly.

Derek said...

famezgay: Very good analogy you have there about a relationship LOL

babymicrophone: Yup, I realise that now. Thanks ;P

joshua, ca va pas la tête, bunnyban: Ermmm, okaaaay.

pink dolphin: Sometimes, other people express it better than I do.

And welcome to my blog!

espion: Ultimately, to know oneself is the goal. But in the meantime ....

defiant85: Two more years, defiant dear. It'll be over soon ...

hrugaar: Yup, it's a constant search to arrive at a balance, of give and take, of acceptance and understanding.

weeshiong: To love is to risk. You're right.


yw[2k]: I know, but it's easier said than done. ;P

savante: Which is why we should enjoy the high whilst it lasts ....

jay: Err .. surprise doesn't work on him. Not his style ;P

icydefunct: Thanks for the support. And welcome to my blog!

cliff: Thanks. I will check out your blog too.