Decision amidst indecision

It’s Wednesday, two days before and after the weekend. I call it the mid-week blues. My colleagues are still talking about yesterday’s earthquake, sharing stories and experiences. As for myself, I didn’t feel a thing. Yeah, I slept like a log. In fact, my whole family didn’t feel any tremours at all. My next door neighbour did. Well, my mom did always say that I can sleep through an earthquake, and here is the proof. LOL.

Call me fickle minded, but I have decided not to let go (please refer to my previous blog). Well, at least not completely. He is a nice person to be with and I think I will miss the flirtatious banter. Though the feeling of attraction towards him is less now.

The way I see it now is that he’s like my good buddy from school, a forbidden fruit, he can be seen and held but nothing more, a remote chance of anything physical or a romantic relationship. The only difference is just that he is not straight. In many ways, he fits the bill perfectly. He reminds me of the high school friends that I have, who were fun to be with, that I can rely on, but didn’t really care much or in a way that I would like (straight guys are usually like that) and boisterous to a certain extent. In addition, the way he treats me is very similar to the way my friends used to treat me. I would usually be teased or left speechless, due to inability to have a fast comeback. Probably that explains the high comfort level that I have with him. I am not letting him go simply because he is just amazing in my books.

I know it’s a weird set up to have, with lots of chances of me being hurt. What I have in mind about the relationship is it’s a little beyond friendship, but less than a romantic relationship. Not sure what it’s called though. I realised I could grow too emotionally attached, pining my hopes on him again, with all the earlier feelings coming back, etc, but hey, I am doing this with both eyes wide open and sober. To make sure those things do not happen, I would remind myself of his negatives, such as not very empathetic, having too many activities daily, his life being quite unpredictable, etc. Besides, I will still continue to meet people. I will go on searching for someone whom I could love and love me in return.

What I am sure is that, knowing him has been my pleasure. I have also learnt to set my bar higher when choosing someone. Previously, I don’t really know what to look for. I still don’t, but I know I will be more picky. Another thing is that, I feel better about myself. I felt that I have grown somehow, into a better person. Can’t exactly explain why though. It’s just plain weird.

Anyway, I am planning to catch a movie after work. Robots. Need some laughter to kill the mid-week blues.