Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Decision amidst indecision

It’s Wednesday, two days before and after the weekend. I call it the mid-week blues. My colleagues are still talking about yesterday’s earthquake, sharing stories and experiences. As for myself, I didn’t feel a thing. Yeah, I slept like a log. In fact, my whole family didn’t feel any tremours at all. My next door neighbour did. Well, my mom did always say that I can sleep through an earthquake, and here is the proof. LOL.

Call me fickle minded, but I have decided not to let go (please refer to my previous blog). Well, at least not completely. He is a nice person to be with and I think I will miss the flirtatious banter. Though the feeling of attraction towards him is less now.

The way I see it now is that he’s like my good buddy from school, a forbidden fruit, he can be seen and held but nothing more, a remote chance of anything physical or a romantic relationship. The only difference is just that he is not straight. In many ways, he fits the bill perfectly. He reminds me of the high school friends that I have, who were fun to be with, that I can rely on, but didn’t really care much or in a way that I would like (straight guys are usually like that) and boisterous to a certain extent. In addition, the way he treats me is very similar to the way my friends used to treat me. I would usually be teased or left speechless, due to inability to have a fast comeback. Probably that explains the high comfort level that I have with him. I am not letting him go simply because he is just amazing in my books.

I know it’s a weird set up to have, with lots of chances of me being hurt. What I have in mind about the relationship is it’s a little beyond friendship, but less than a romantic relationship. Not sure what it’s called though. I realised I could grow too emotionally attached, pining my hopes on him again, with all the earlier feelings coming back, etc, but hey, I am doing this with both eyes wide open and sober. To make sure those things do not happen, I would remind myself of his negatives, such as not very empathetic, having too many activities daily, his life being quite unpredictable, etc. Besides, I will still continue to meet people. I will go on searching for someone whom I could love and love me in return.

What I am sure is that, knowing him has been my pleasure. I have also learnt to set my bar higher when choosing someone. Previously, I don’t really know what to look for. I still don’t, but I know I will be more picky. Another thing is that, I feel better about myself. I felt that I have grown somehow, into a better person. Can’t exactly explain why though. It’s just plain weird.

Anyway, I am planning to catch a movie after work. Robots. Need some laughter to kill the mid-week blues.

1 comment:

snakebyte said...

hey... aiya... don't be so emotional lar... you're still young ok... lots of chances... btw, how come didn't invite me for Robots? Hehe... Just kidding... take care and see you soon...