My side of the coin

Will: So Mr Derek, what are all these rumours saying that you are two-timing?

Derek: Yes, it is true.

Will: Gasp! It is? How could you? After all the posts about how good you are and …

Derek: Let me explain from the beginning. As you know, heck, as everyone knows I am no longer with CF, who is studying in Canada. I posted the break up on my blog. The way I see it is that, we are practically no longer a couple. We are a couple only in name. Imagine a husband and wife who signed a marriage certificate, but don’t stay together, don’t communicate with each other and treat each other as friends only. That’s what we were and had become.

W: So from what I understand from that particular post, you have indeed broken up? Then how does the two-timing issue crop up?

D: You see Will, the thing is, everyone in the whole world knows I have broken up, except for my ex, CF. I admit that it was my fault. Things weren’t very clear. We didn’t break up officially, but agreed to talk things over when we meet again when he comes back to KL in May 2007.

However, in my mind, we were already over. Technically, the words “It’s over, let’s move on with our lives” have not been spoken. But practically, it has been said. You get what I mean? Actions speak louder than words, as CF always says. The actions have spoken the above, even though the words have not. His actions have spoken – I still remember the pain that I went through, the uncertainties and the cold treatment I received; I figured those were the signs things were coming to an end. I thought it was pretty clear to me. I thought I made it quite obvious on my blog. But apparently to CF, it was not.

W: Why would he think like that?

D: I am not sure. In the post I mentioned above, in the conversations we had, I thought it was quite clear and difficult to misinterpret. Even after that conversation, I still called him on average once a month. The difference in my tone was there. I didn’t end my calls with “I love you”, the whole conversation sounded quite formal, more like between friends than lovers.

Hmmm, as I think back, I recall that he was surprisingly chirpy in conversations after the break-up, which isn’t like him. In the past when we were still together, he didn’t like me calling; answering calls was like a tedious chore to him and he always sound like he can’t wait to put down the phone. But after that, he didn’t do any of those things. Which was how he talks to friends. Normal friends. Thus, I really believed that we were normal friends only. Oh, and he even said that he started reading my blog again … but I suppose somehow he missed that particular post.

W: Then how did you find out that he still believes you two are a couple?

D: The break up conversation happened in October 2006, but I only posted it up in November. Of course me being single, I could date other guys. I met Nyk not long after that and we started dating end of January 2007. We had wanted to take things slow and thus didn’t tell anyone we were together at the time. But when I was back in KL for Chinese New Year in February, we saw no point in hiding anymore and that was when our friends knew.

W: Erm Derek, you didn’t really answer my question.

D: Yeah, I was coming to that actually. Thanks to this mutual friend that we have, TW. TW knew CF first and TW still calls CF in Canada. According to TW, he treats CF like a younger brother, though TW has also admitted to liking him more than just friends. You get what I mean?

So anyway, I suppose he called CF after he knew I was together with Nyk and found out that CF thinks that he was still attached to me. Obviously, I didn’t know that and TW for whatever reasons didn’t have the guts to tell me directly. He then wrote a post in his blog in early March 2007 about John, Luke and Paul in a love triangle and it was quite clear that he was referring to CF, Nyk and me.

W: I don’t really get it. Why is TW involved?

D: Neither do I. But I remember reading in his post that whoever messes with his friends, messes with him. So even though this has nothing to do with him, he’s involved. It's like someone whacks your neighbour's dog and you go burnt the person's house. That kind of thing. And he seems to be involved in a lot of other things of our friends also, which doesn't need his involvement.

W: Is that how the news of you supposedly two-timing spread? From TW’s blog?

D: People who knew CF and I probably knew what TW was writing about. Of course, they made the mature decision to not interfere and let things work out between CF, Nyk and I. As someone said, as long as CF, Nyk and I knew what was going on, that’s all that matters.

But of course, apparently CF didn’t know. To be fair, I have told Nyk about CF and that we have not officially broken up yet till we meet in May 2007. It’s like a husband and wife separated but waiting to sign divorce documents in front of the lawyer in May 2007, but long before that the love and passion have already been gone.

W: So did you bring forward the “official” break up then, from May 2007 to March 2007? The so-called “signing of the divorce papers”?

D: I didn’t see why it should be. It was already March 2007, just another two months before May. Still, TW went to speak to Nyk personally about this, sowing seeds of suspicion and distrust. Nyk was pretty upset about this, but luckily we managed to talk things over and came to an understanding that I was supposed to terminate the relationship as soon as possible.

W: And did you?

D: I didn’t. And not because I didn’t want to. It’s because of how I perceive a break up should happen. Like what I explained in my previous post. I am a believer in doing it right, of doing it properly so that we can still be friends. Imagine getting an email which said, “Due to bla bla bla, I don’t think things are working out. Let’s not see each other anymore.” I think my post captured what I want to say more eloquently.

W: So what made you only clear the air now? Why didn’t you do anything earlier to stop these whisperings of two-timing from spreading?

D: I thought I could counter them by talking and explaining to close friends that I know, the people that matters and which the truth they should know. I thought that would be the end of it, that it would die down and let me do what is necessary when the time comes in May. But apparently, when one doesn't put out the fire, it doesn't burn itself out but becomes stronger.

You see, the news was being kept alive as it was mentioned again in TW’s blog and presumably in his conversations to our mutual friends. I kept getting asked about why am I being unfair, as recent as last weekend. Furthermore, I am in Singapore, while TW is in KL and he gets to meet all the people that I know too.

W: And that is why you can’t keep silent anymore?

D: Yes. And there’s more actually. TW actually put strange nick in his Gtalk, like “Welcome back Chris. Is Operation Payback on?” and "Welcome back chris. Enjoy your 3 mths holiday. Is the plan still in play?" And that was in early April, when CF was still in Canada. There were a lot more of those, but basically all saying that CF is back in KL when in fact, he was not. CF only arrived back in KL on 1st May.

For what purpose he did all those silly things, telling the whole world that CF was back in KL when he actually wasn't, I don’t know. One can’t really fathom a mind that is erm .... different, which wanted to create the illusion that CF is back when he is not.

In fact, TW actually sent a text to a friend on 30 April, one whole day before CF actually step foot in KL, saying “I'm out with Chris. He wants to know if u want to meet up for lunch next week. He says he got some stuff from Canada for you." Can you spell delusional?

W: What do you think TW is trying to do?

D: I have no idea, honestly. I think he is trying to play mind games or something. But what kind of mind games I don’t know. I mean, he keeps saying that CF is back when he is not, probably he’s trying to scare me or something. He wants everyone including me to know that CF is back. Or telling me indirectly to meet CF when he’s back in KL.

I mean what use is it for me to know that CF is back unless it was for me to meet him?

W: So are you going to meet CF?

D: Of course I do. But you know what the strange thing is? CF kept telling me that he is not coming back this year. I spoke to CF on the phone during Chinese New Year, another time on his birthday in early April and even on the day he was flying back (29 April in Canadian time), he still insisted that he was not coming back. When I called him a few days ago, I suspect he was in the airport yet he still said that he was not coming back to KL. So obviously, CF is as much a part of this mind game as TW.

W: Are you sure?

D: From the looks of it, yeah. TW texted me yesterday and said that CF knows all the texts that he sends out that refers to CF. So CF clearly knows what has been going on.

But you know what the interesting and amazing part is? CF never actually uttered a word on this thing. Everything that has happened was done by TW. Absolutely nothing from the horse's mouth. So come to think of it, I am not too sure whether CF knows. Or he knows but just go along with all these weird psychotic mind games which probably came from TW. At best, I can only guessed, since CF has not said anything to prove his involvement or non-involvement in this. But he certainly knows. And certainly, CF's name has been tarnished because of this.

It is more likely that TW orchestrated the whole thing on his own, coz you know, he did have feelings for CF. He might still do.

W: When are you going to meet CF?

D: You see, that’s the thing. I called CF’s house yesterday afternoon, like more than 10 times before it was finally answered. His mom answered, asked me who I am, said hold on, she’ll get CF on the phone. A moment later the phone was put down. Obviously, CF doesn’t want to speak to me. I have also tried texting and calling his mobile, so CF must be really blur if he doesn’t know that I am trying to contact him.

Do you know what is more insulting? CF, or maybe it was TW again, actually asked his brother to write me an email saying, “If you have nothing important to talk about please stop calling the house phone or if you have any important things to say just e-mail back to me with what you want to say and I'll sms him” If it was nothing important, I wouldn’t be calling CF’s house like, 20 times? And if it is important, he wants me to pass the message through his brother? What, he thinks I am not important enough to personally speak to me? I think that even if I didn’t make it clear to him earlier about this whole break up thing, I deserve some basic courtesy?

Oh, and you know what takes the cake? The cake with layers of lies upon lies? TW said he was there beside CF when I called. I can only speculate, but I doubt he was. If he was, he could easily have picked up the phone and said "CF doesn't want to speak to you. So fuck off!" But instead, CF's innocent brother was dragged into this and "supposedly" sent me that email saying "Get lost!", which I just mentioned.

W: From the looks of things, I don’t think you can meet CF. From what I have read in your previous posts, this would be like your first relationship where there was no proper closure? What do you think?

D: I sincerely want a proper closure. A proper conversation, wishing each other all the best and move on. Maybe a hug before we part. But of course, with CF pretending that he is not even in KL and ignoring my calls …….

W: Breaking news. This just in ... according to TW, he said "Why should Derek want to come clean now when he has Nyk? To CF, it's like Derek telling him that it's over and it's time to move on. It's easy for Derek to say that coz he has Nyk. I couldn't believe some of the SMS that Derek send Chris." What do you have to say?

D: First of all, I am not coming clean NOW. CF and I have acted like we have broken up when we spoke on the phone, as I have mentioned earlier in this interview. Also, the way it was said seems to imply that I am breaking off because I have Nyk, which isn't true. Remember, from CF's actions, I took it that he has lost interest in me when he went over to Canada.

Also, even if I am not dating anyone now, I still want to meet CF and have proper closure. I had gone through the pain, the process of the break up more than six months ago.

There's this unposted item which I wrote last in September 2006:

I called him on Monday morning, under the impression that his orientation would start the next day. Apparently, he was busy moving furniture or whatever and wasn't appropriate for a long chat.

As such, I tried to keep it short and asked some stuff like whether he has got his PC, how's things so far, did he make any new friends, etc.

I said I would call back later. Which I did, but my calls went unanswered.

A few days later, I received a text message on Friday night, not from him, but from a mutual friend, TW. The message said "He asked me to tell you hi."

How ... thoughtful.

The first thing that crossed my mind, "Why can't he message me directly?" Shouldn't he be texting me and ask me to say hi to the friend instead?

And do you see the irony in TW's words? He told the people we know that CF was back when he wasn't and mentioned the same thing in his Gtalk. But now, when CF is actually back he is saying what's the point of me meeting CF.

The way I see it, TW actually made things worse. Much worse. Without his interference, I would have proceeded with what CF and I agreed on, which was to talk over it and have a clean break up in May 2007. That would be good and we would still have been friends.

But due to what has happened, that has a very slim, almost nil chance of happening. He created hatred in CF towards me, judging by how CF is avoiding my calls. I could not fathom how someone can destroy love in the pursuit of it or in the name of friendship.

And what a fool I have been. TW actually sent me a text, saying sorry for his actions because it was Easter. I asked, what have you done and what are you apologising for? He just said sorry again. I actually believed his words and thought that was the end of it. Obviously, I was mistaken. A leopard never changes its spots.

W: Thank you very much for your time. Any last words?

D: I think I am not a good judge of people and I think I have been wrong about a person’s character before. But I think I made a big one this time. Things, relationships, seem to be unravelling with him around.

My relationship with Nyk was almost jeopardized because of it. It could be coincidence, I don’t know, but it’s just uncanny. As he can read people well, better than most people do, it’s easy for him to play mind games. Some of us might already be in his games without knowing it. He can preempt and anticipate a lot of our moves. Thus I advice caution.

Mind games create illusions, creates falsehood; they destroy rather than create. People hear things that aren’t completely true. The reality is twisted into another version. I am the opposite of all these. I am a direct; I speak what I think. I confront the truth, not run away from it. I also try to be fair, always keeping in mind that there are two sides to a coin, two sides to a story. Listening to one side only doesn’t give a complete picture and one is only fooling himself and will not know the whole truth.

In addition, I want to say that when one truly loves, when one truly understands love, one realise that love nurtures, love makes the other person grow. You want the best for him, you want him to be happy, mature, develop his potential, to learn how to love others, not hate. You want him to be a better person emotionally and ethically, not the person that you want to him to be. The other person's happiness comes first.

Last but not least, I think this will start a war of words, which I seriously and sincerely hope not. I want this to end, with this interview. Someone started it, I took my time in responding and now I have responded. I really don’t want this childishness to continue.

Thank you for your time too, Will.

Any resemblance to actual persons is intended. Some names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.