Logical incoherence

Speaking of others' faults can also be a way to distract ourselves from acknowledging our own painful emotions.

For example, if we feel hurt or rejected because a dear one hasn't called us in a long time, rather than feel the suffering nature of our attachment, we criticize our loved one for being unreliable and inconsiderate. - Buddhist wisdom

I have grown quite attached to CF. In the early of stages of our relationship, he was the one that was crazy over me while I was slowly building up my feelings towards him. As time goes by, I realized how wonderful he truly is.

Unfortunately, his love high towards me waned just as mine went up. He was past the dizzying warm feelings of love whereas I was beginning to feel them.

Till now, he has not fully recovered.

Obviously, I would like a lot it if he does. But these kind of things can’t be forced, especially on CF.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is best captured in these words. Or rather, the opposite of them.

One of the most important things to know in life is that no one withholds any happiness from us - not even our most loved ones. Our happiness is our charge. While we often place our happiness in the charge of others, it is us who voluntarily do that - and we can take this responsibility back to own it. Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you truly happy - or sad. Only when we mindfully see and take up this personal responsibility, can we truly love - both ourselves and others.

I have somehow made my mood dependent on his to make me happy – his smile, his phone calls, his loving gestures, etc.

Unfortunately, he’s not the lovey-dovey kind. And thus, phone calls from him are hard to come by.

And that would make me unhappy.

Not that he is unloving, but his way of loving is a bit different; it’s subtle and difficult to decipher. At least to me lar.

And he’s intentionally making it not so obvious too …. Sigh!

But I digress. As logical as those words are in a sort of cold and logical kind of way and no matter how much I don’t like it, they are true.

The idea of having a partner is to be able to depend on him, knowing that no matter what there is someone who will love me; someone whom I can share anything and everything with.

Someone I trust.

In other words, he has my heart in his hands and he break my heart if he wants to. Hence, I am vulnerable in that sense.

Because I am attached to him. Emotionally.

So basically, what those words of wisdom are saying is that to save myself from the heartache, if it were to happen, is to become less attached.

Which goes against the whole notion of romantic love.

I have to make the source of my happiness my own; not his or anyone else.

When I can do that, then I would have evolved and become the Supreme Master be able to be happy, which of course will lead me to love myself even more because things are going well (ooh, like having tonnes of money ;P) which I could then share my happiness and love with others.

As you know, to be able to love myself means I am contented and happy. To have the strength to accept myself and the things I can’t change. To realize that life is short and no point making things unhappy or worrying about things that most likely won’t happen.

So basically, everything begins with loving oneself.

Hmmm, I wonder whether that would make me a narcissist? LOL

It’s true – one cannot give what one does not possess. If I don’t have love for myself, how am I to love another? If I cannot make myself happy on my own, how can I make others happy?

I read somewhere that a relationship is not about two persons completing each other, but rather, two complete persons coming together. Hence, to call our partners our other half is to imply that we are only half and incomplete.

Not sure whether I am making much sense.

Still, I have told myself that it’s better to improve on myself and be the best boyfriend I can be, rather than thinking on things that have yet to happen or negative thoughts.

This weekend will be the last time I will be seeing my baby before he leaves. And I won’t be seeing him for at least a year after that.

How I wished he has finished his studies already!